BREAKING UP WITH BAD

A few months ago, I decided that I was going to break up with sugar and wine.

I don’t mean break up in terms of never engaging with again, but more so in terms of break the addiction that told me daily consumption, and getting my ‘hit’, was a necessity, required, something I just ‘had to have’ or couldn’t seem to stop myself with.

It was actually incredibly easy to do this. 

I stopped instantly the very day I fully made the decision, despite that I don’t think I had more than 5 wine free days in the past 2 years, and my daily intake was more than I care to admit.

Sugar and I were more fickle lovers than that, on again and off again like an emotive couple who manage to hold back for several weeks or months, perhaps even feeling they’re totally over one another, can absolutely live without the other, but then inevitably come crashing back together again at some point, despite a lurking feeling that ACTUALLY –

This may not be healthy, or serving, for either of us.

If not for one –

Automatically not for the other!

But yet, in such cases, we often repeat, repeat, repeat.

I’ll explain in a moment what I did to cut the wine and sugar addiction, completely and instantly, to where since then I’ve found it no concern at all to have just the odd glass once every week or so, and a little chocolate here or there, but the addictive ties, the hit, the ‘need’?

Completely gone.
Killed it deadibones!
Kaput.

This morning, as I pedalled furiously on the X-trainer during my 5am HIIT cardio workout, shortly to be Heathrow-bound for my Emirates First flight back to Australia, thinking about what it really meant to insist on FIRST CLASS in every area, I felt a familiar little spike of something I know well.

Something which I recognise at times with fondness, at times with deep frustration, even woe.

Ah dopamine, my old friend and sometime foe!

How closely I’ve grown to depend on you, in so many ways!

The spike inside of me told me –

You NEED that hit!
LOOK for that hit!
Go CREATE that hit!

GO GET IT GURRRRRLLLLLL!

No, I wasn’t looking for a hit of sugar or wine while in the middle of sweating my ass off at 5am, what I was thinking about was a person.

Wanting to connect, reach out, ‘touch’.

And all of a sudden, not for the first time I suppose, but for the first time this CLEARLY, it occurred to me –

Breaking my addiction to this person is as simple as acknowledging that it IS an addiction, that no it does NOT serve me, and that I’ve established and known that for some while. Yes, even as I covered my own eyes and ears and mouth and la-la-la’d noisily in order to try and deny it!

With this acknowledgement being said and known, I also couldn’t deny that breaking it could be as easy and instantaneous as it was with the wine and sugar.

In some cases it’s been a cycle of negativity, depletion, and toxic energy, interspersed with enough false highs to allow me to ALMOST trick myself into thinking it was worth staying the course –

And in other cases it truly seemed to be all positive, valid, worthwhile, uplifting, and expansive.

Yes I need this!
Yes it serves me!
Yes I feel GOOOOOOODDDDD, and I want more of that!
Validate validate validate me, and fill me UP! Huh.

All the while pretending not to hear that silent whisper of the heart, soul-led and telling me –

Hey hey.
You KNOW you’re not honouring your own value and worth here.
You KNOW that your choices here are not reflective of a standard of excellence.
You KNOW that not only is this NOT truly serving you, but that actually – and most horrifyingly of all – it’s crowding up your energy where space NEEDS to be made, and must be made, in order to call in the TRUE thing you want in this area, aka love.

Here’s a simple rule of life which we’d all do well to write on our foreheads in mirror writing:

Iff you don’t make space for what you truly long for, and know is absolutely what you deserve and also GET TO HAVE –

It ain’t gonna happen.

Not now.
And maybe not EVER!

You MUST make space for your dreams, and yes this means walking away from anything that is even the SMALLEST bit not that.

No exceptions.

When I decided to break the feeling that I ‘needed’ wine or sugar, it felt hard, and scary, at first because I had made those things represent something I DO need, desire, and KNOW I am worthy of.

Namely – sweetness. Joy. Comfort. And sometimes, sure, a little escape. A release.

What I recognised though, what I could no longer keep kidding myself about, was that, firstly – there are ways to meet these needs and desires which DO serve me, elevate and expand me, and ARE healthy for my body and soul –

Daily sugar and wine, quite simply, for me, is not that.

And that secondly – if I wanted to achieve and easily maintain the level of excellence I desire, know I am deserving of, and know is available to me with my body, not just the 6-pack and HAWT legs and booty I love to have, but also the way I want to FEEL –

Then I needed to make space for that, and I needed to start making choices which would naturally lead to it.

It was not, and I don’t feel ever for me will be, that I needed or desired or felt it required to completely eliminate these things.

But that I wanted to switch what had inarguably become an UNHEALTHY relationship into one that was healthy, whole, and meant that when I do enjoy a glass of red or some delicious chocolate or dessert, it’s not coming from a need to FILL SOMETHING THAT IS MISSING INSIDE OF ME.

I can enjoy it for what it is.

Without it impacting my emotional state, my ability to ‘function’, or my self-worth, in one direction or the other.

When we become addicted to the ‘hit’ of something, either the rush it gives us, or the way it helps us to release, we slip into a sort of dependency which becomes a negative cycle of despair, shame, self-loathing, and the certain knowledge that I AM NOT IN MY POWER.

It’s easy to NOT feel these things a lot of the time, as we become experts at justifying, excusing, or buying in to our own stories about it making us FEEL good and, once again, that we need it.

But, if we’re ever to have what we LONG for, and know in our hearts is available for us, we must choose to be BRAVE enough to see it for what it is.

Mustn’t we?

An addiction to a feeling. One which we are ABSOLUTELY STRONG ENOUGH to break free from. 

We must be honest with ourselves.

And decide we get to have the REAL DAMN THING, the healthy version of the emotional or hormonal hit, and in turn allow ourselves to receive the RESULTS we’ve been holding at arms bay.

What I realised this morning, is that the addiction I had to certain people in my life was just that –

An addiction to a hit of dopamine, a rush, a feeling of (often false) expansion, and the delusion that I was getting what I really longed for or wanted.

An addiction which, if I didn’t admit it and then do something about it, could very well, no WOULD very well result in me never ever reaching the physical manifestation of what is inside of me.

I wonder –

Do you have any such addictions in your life, which are rising up for you right now, which you KNOW you can no longer deny?

I’m quite certain you do.

It would be quite unhuman of you not to, and after all – this stuff works in layers.

No need to think you’re ever done! There is always something else we GET to notice, and shift! The beauty of being conscious is we never need to stop growing. And this is of course a good thing, a great thing, so I’m not suggesting there is anything to admonish oneself about; quite the contrary. How wonderful, to be able to do the work, for life.

Don’t you think?

So, when you notice a pattern to break, it’s about being soft.

And it’s about getting excited, actually, that you’re now ready to step deeper into your truth and with it, your power and the ability to receive to the next level.

When I admitted to myself that my desire to keep strong connections with certain people, to have that hit of hearing from them, or reaching out to ‘touch’ them, or in some cases to try and justify or prove myself, was simply an addiction to feelings and hormones –

I was able to clearly see that, just as with the sugar and wine, there are other ways to achieve those feelings or ‘hits’, ways which are healthy and which TRULY serve me, and also –

That continuing allowing the addiction to live was flat out going to result in me not being able to receive or allow in the REAL thing I want.

Namely, deep love, intimacy, connection, a healthy and whole connection which is not based on me trying to be good enough, and not based on getting a rush from surface-based attention, either good or bad.

Except for in one instance, also just like the sugar and wine, this did not mean I needed to eliminate anybody from my life, or completely sever a relationship.

It meant I needed to be honest with myself about what the true healthy and soul aligned manifestation of that relationship would look like.

As with certain foods, certain relationships can sometimes fully serve us for a period – and well these ones did, for me! – and then all of a sudden, they don’t.

If we desire to live a life of purpose, passion, flow, and having the TRUE soul version of it all, we need to be honest with ourselves about it when this happens, and then act accordingly.

For me it felt so easy, this morning, as I noticed that WANT to connect with somebody, and recognised it as what it is – an addiction to the hit and the false fulfilment, a longing for a quick fix of validation, or a shadow version of love – to see that if I broke the wine and sugar habit so easily, I could do the same here.

How, you might wonder, did I do that then, and how am I doing it again now in this new area?

Well, I simply acknowledged that my desire to allow excellence, and to KNOW I was making aligned choices which FULLY serve me, had reached a point of outweighing my desire for the false hit.

Sometimes it takes a little while to acknowledge that 

And that’s okay! You always choose exactly what you need, for your soul’s learning, growth, and evolution into the next level you.

Once that desire was acknowledged, I made a decision –

I will act FROM where I know I can be, as though I am already that person.

With the wine and sugar, I spent an hour or so on that day when I broke the pattern, visualising myself reaching for my chosen drugs, and then I mentally slapped myself in the face. Yes, I created an actual visual of slapping myself on the cheek, and at the same time replacing (in the visual) the wine and chocolate with a cup of herbal tea, and sliced cucumbers. Because I’m fancy.

Laugh all you like, it worked! INSTANTLY that very day. I had broken the neurological need for the fix, and so when it came to evening, the connection just wasn’t there anymore.

I was able to see it for what it was – food and drink which currently did not serve me. And I had not even the smallest desire to reach for it.

Since then, like I mentioned, I’ve had these things only a few times, and I’ve felt zero attachment to them, and also – importantly – zero emotional surge, in either direction.

I am no longer getting my joy, my sweetness, my release, or some other part of my identity needs from something outside of me, simply because I acknowledged that I don’t NEED to, that it’s all IN me, and I broke the hormonal and emotional chain.

You can do that in an instant, when you TRULY desire something else, and decide to have it. I know people who have even done it in an instant with hard drugs. It’s available for you too, no matter what your addiction.

I let my desire and decision to have what I REALLY want (the body I want, and the FEELING I want) outweigh my addiction to false satisfaction.

With breaking the addiction to a person, it really is the same thing.

Admit that it’s an addiction. That you’re getting a surge which is available to you from within, and that this addiction DOES NOT SERVE YOU.

And, if this is speaking to you, perhaps admit also that your desire to have relationships which DO fulfil your needs, and which do not result in a dependency whereby you only feel filled up, good enough, worthy if you get your hit, outweighs your desire for that surface stuff.

Then, DECIDE.

I will notice the feeling of I want, I need, I have to have!

And I will replace it with a mental image (and maybe a slap on the face, why not?!) of something that serves me FULLY.

Which is most likely the full love and acceptance of your SELF, for starters, and along with it the admission of what EXCELLENCE, and honouring your value and worth in this area, allowing yourself to have what you TRULY dream of, would look like.

As you do this, just as I did with the wine and sugar, take heart in the knowledge that even though the false ‘need’ will likely come back to try and grasp at you, each time you remind yourself of your truth and choose NOT to respond to it, choose to act FROM where you desire to be and know you can be, you weaken the chains that were binding you.

With wine and sugar, I truly did break it in that one day. I haven’t once felt the craving, need, or false want.

With breaking the addiction of a few certain people … not so much 

I continue to feel it a lot. Not strongly. But consistently.

I am enjoying being the observer of that.

Noticing it, learning from it, seeing it for what it is.

And, in particular, I’m enjoying feeling it fade, just a little, each time I show it that no, no thank you –

Thank you for checking in! I appreciate your persistence! But your services are no longer required.

I’m grateful for the lessons! (I say to the feeling, the demand).

And I want to let you know I have now learned these lessons, so, no need to keep on a’knockin’, just mosy on your way.

I’ll be over here keeping my eye gaze firmly focused on the vision of what I KNOW is available for me, and what I WILL have.

Ever trusting that it can happen in a moment, in the blink of an eye, why not?!

And ever surrendered to staying the course until such time as it does, even if it means I give my life for it.

The thing is –

I don’t think you will need to give your life, to call in what you want.

I believe, and I’ve seen, with business, with money, with soulmate clients, and also several times already with my body, that when I am FULLY honest with myself about what’s serving me, and I follow my TRUEST desires, and decide to do what I know I must, magic happens.

FAST.

That’s just how it is.

It’s often not easy, is it? To endure the pain of not responding to an addiction, a need, a want.

It hurts.
It feels tiring at times!
Or just not fair, like – why do I have to endure this?!

And then you remember –

But that’s who I am.

I do what others won’t.

So I can live like they can’t.

And suddenly?

It’s the easiest damn thing in the world.