“BREAK MY HEART FOR YOU LORD”

“Break my heart for you Lord”.

“Break my heart”.

I immediately felt a piercing feeling, and a PAIN in my heart so real that for a moment I was mildly panicked and quickly followed with a request that the heart breaking not effect my current status on earth.

“Can that be?”, some part of my mind wondered.

I’d been in prayer for some time already this morning, and as I entered into a time in my prayer when I was interceding for others, praying as I often do that God would PIERCE a certain persons heart for Him –

a prayer I pray often, for quite a few people –

it suddenly hit me that I’d never asked God to do the same for me.

I’d been reading James again earlier, which is a FANTASTIC book to read if you desire to grow your faith in God. I DEFINITELY DESIRE TO GROW MY FAITH IN GOD! In fact I ask daily for a greater outpouring of faith, for greater wisdom to know and see and hear from and discern God, such that my faith naturally grows as do many other things!

And I claim, CONTINUALLY, that I AM A WOMAN OF GREAT FAITH. I am a righteous and holy woman, a warrior woman, a godly wife in a Kingdom marriage, a woman of GREAT AND UNPARALLELED FAITH IN THE KING OF KINGS AND ALL THAT HE IS, HAS ALWAYS BEEN, WILL ALWAYS BE!

Amongst other things 😉

Here is the thing with faith.

We can want it.
We can choose it.
We can ask for and indeed petition for it.
God will REMAIN FAITHFUL AS HE IS and through His might, power, grace, mercy, strength, wisdom, Spirit, Word, and ALL that He is will CAUSE OUR FAITH TO GROW as we continue to seek and submit to Him.

And?

We can also still be walking around aware that some part of us is holding back, or, in my case, seems unable to quite fully FEEL.

My faith is real, it is true, it is also PROVEN over and over again in the physical and ALL DAY EVERY DAY SUPERNATURALLY, and I FULLY believe in God and His promises and word.

And yet.

I have been aware that there is a separation there from my FULLNESS with God because of MY holding some piece of me back.

“Why am I doing this?”, I asked the Holy Spirit this morning.

And the answer came back simply, and easily –

“Trust. Past hurt. Hardened pieces with which you are in agreement to … ”

Hmm. What was it, I wondered and asked. Stubbornness? Denial? No, not these things, not obviously so.

Aha – !

“It’s a feeling that you need to do things yourself. Take charge for them to be taken care of. And also in order to feel safe”.

Self-protection.

A common story, for so many reasons.

Me, I learned to harden off and reserve pieces of my heart because honestly? It not only seemed safer, and was in so many ways, but it also seemed easier.

What was the point of letting go and leaning in, falling? I was the one who was going to have to take the lead, deal with things, protect or make things okay in the end always.

Ah, the ENDLESS THINGS I COULD SAY ABOUT ALL OF THIS! The inherent ungodliness of it all! But also the compassion I have for the me who was hurt, unsure, unsafe, and also just DERAILED.

And so here we are now. Reasons of the past not relevant IN this now.

“Lord. Pierce MY heart. Help me to love you FULLY, that I may KNOW you fully, and that my faith is able to grow because my heart is open and soft and surrendered ENTIRELY to you!”

And then suddenly I heard and simultaneously said the words –

“Break my heart for you Lord”.

THE PAIN CAME IMMEDIATELY IT WAS INSTANTANEOUS IT WAS UNMISTAKEABLE AND IT WAS ALSO A LITTLE SCARY AS I SAID BEFORE.

He BROKE my heart the moment I asked.

And as I clutched my chest and weeped, I realised –

If He’d broken it He could restore it. WOULD restore it.

“Lord restore my heart. Please restore my heart Lord. Restore my heart in and through and to and from and fully FOR you Lord. Make it yours. Heal and seal it for YOU Lord”.

Instantly, the pain went away.

“Yes Lord. Yes Lord. Yes Lord. AMEN AMEN AMEN I RECEIVE”, I cried.

Here is the thing –

God is so real you have no idea. Well, maybe you do. But I honestly believe that even those of us who KNOW … and I feel like I’m only even BEGINNING to know and that I’ll only EVER be at the beginning … God still wants to blow our minds. Not because it’s cool (although tbh that was pretty freaking cool if you want to talk STUFF JUST HAPPENING INSTANTANEOUSLY LIKE SUPERNATURAL HEART SURGERY OUT OF NOWHERE), but because He is GOD.

And He wants to give us ALL of what He has for us. As we give Him ALL of who we ever could be or ever are!

I had been planning to go for a beach walk after praying, but the sudden heart surgery left me just feeling – wiped.

“Duh”, I thought to myself. “YOU JUST HAD SURGERY. REST”.

So at 6.30am this morning, 2 hours into my morning time with God, I found myself laying weeping – again lol, honestly, it’s pretty endless lately – in a magnesium bath. Just – worshipping. Praying a bit more. And thanking Him.

Listen –

you can be saved and leave it there. And that would be EXCELLENT. If you’re not saved the ONLY thing which matters in your life is becoming so, and accepting Him.

But if you are saved, and you’re sitting on your laurels wondering why your faith isn’t great enough to claim what’s rightfully yours, or why life seems to continue to throw you down …

start seeking Him more.

God wants you to have all that He has for you.

But it’s up to you to ask,
claim,
decree,
and choose.

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