Would you like me to share with you a few lines from my journaling this morning, what I’ve been working on allowing, receiving, letting in?
It was actually about love … it often seems to be, lately, my journaling … but as I wrote about now choosing to be great at receiving LOVE, open to love, and it being safe to receive love in all ways, I had the realisation and remembrance that there was a time, in the not so distant past, when I actively, albeit mostly un-consciously at first of course, resisted allowing myself to receive MONEY.
And it made me wonder –
It’s funny, don’t you think, that we build up these barriers and walls around ourselves to stop ourselves from receiving or letting in the things which we so need, desire, deserve. I mean, really – why on earth would it not be safe to receive MONEY, or let it in?!
And I suppose the answer is simple, and obvious, and you’ve already said it in your head or under your breath as you receive –
For the same reasons that it may not be safe to receive LOVE, namely –
Maybe you’ll get hurt.
Maybe you’ve been hurt.
Maybe you’re scared you’re not good enough.
Or that life couldn’t be that good!
Or that it will come at some mysterious PRICE which you’d rather not pay.
And it makes me wonder, yes, a lot of wondering today! –
When do you think it might be that you’d like to break up with your money story?
‘Cause I gotta tell you … I KNOW, from first-hand experience, how damn difficult it can SEEM to let that shit go, and how easy it is to instead keep on toting it ALL around, but I also know this:
As soon as you decide to be done with all the reasons you CAN’T and it’s SCARY and what if THIS and what if THAT, and as soon as you decide to simply and calmly and graciously just ask for what you WANT, instead of pretending you’re okay with some sort of conditional or sub-standard VERSION, you’ll –
You’ll fucking GET it baby, because here is the truth about asking, in faith, in alignment, from TRUTH, and on REPEAT until it’s done:
And this morning as I wrote –
I am GREAT at receiving … money, fun, love, flow …
I am great at receiving LOVE!
I am open to love
It is safe to be loved
I allow myself to be loved –
– it occurred to me –
That perhaps I could now decide to break up with my story around love, around romance, about having to hold back, just a little, or maybe a lot, about needing to keep my emotions at arms length because HEY, everybody KNOWS –
Love fucking hurts.
It might DIRECTLY HURT YOU.
And it’s not real, anyway … it’s just a house of cards ..
And so on.
And so forth.
And MAN and DAMN, don’t we just make up SO much bullshit in our heads and then insist on carrying it around like obstinate children refusing to do the fun thing just because we’ve been told to?!
And I know –
There are reasons.
And I know –
They are real.
For why you feel scared. And it really DOES feel unsafe. For how things have HAPPENED, don’t you understand Kat, they’ve HAPPENED, and it’s just not, it’s just not, it’s just not that EASY, to FORGET about them!
Oh baby, how I KNOW.
And I also know this:
Do you WANT to keep carrying that around with you? You do realise, right, that at ANY moment you can just decide:
Thank you very much for playing.
I appreciate your intent.
Yes, yes, I see you still there trying to boogy-woogy scare me.
And thank you.
But no thank you.
Your services here are no longer required.
I now get to CHOOSE TO ALLOW.
A day or two ago somebody … okay, my ex … said to me that I just don’t allow love. I have my guard up. I’m blocking or protecting myself.
And I thought –
Well. That’s interesting to think about. And yes –
And I also thought –
OH WHAT A FUCKING SURPRISE.
And then I softened, and I smiled, inside of myself, and I just sat with the reality of what it is and who I am and who I get to be.
Yes. I accept, I recognise, and I’m also OKAY with the fact that I have held love at arms bay for a long time, and maybe since a very young age. Who cares what the fucking reasons are, or how my mind at some point decided it was more important to be safe, well, it always IS more important to be safe, but who cares about how or when or why I decided LOVE was not safe, and then how or when or why or with who I kept on CREATING AND ALLOWING IN FUCKING EVIDENCE of that so I could keep on living into that story and proving it.
It doesn’t matter.
I am who I am.
And at any point in time, I can clearly choose to see how my previously made choices or beliefs are maybe, right now –
No longer necessary.
And so I get to turn in, and tune in, and soften, and just be in ME, and I get to say:
That I did that.
And then, decide:
I am ready to receive, in this area.
I am now open to receive.
It is safe to receive.
I am GREAT at receiving!
And it reminds me of many moons ago although really not that long, when I held money at arms bay.
I allowed myself to get into over $100,000 of credit card and tax debt.
I continued to MAKE money, and it flew through my fingers just as fast.
I sold my house, my car, my shares, even my handbags on eBay, to keep my business and life going.
There were many times I not only couldn’t make rent but also food or even (God!!) COFFEE.
And yet –
I just kept ploughing forward.
And I am GRATEFUL for myself that I kept showing up, had the discipline, did the work, HUSTLED like a mofo, but to be honest???
Kinda like going on a million dates with no openness to receive.
Which I have NOT in fact done since being single, because, I suppose, I look at other areas of my life, and I seek to fail and then elevate FASTER in this area which is relatively new to me.
And in this case, to realise:
I could ‘do the do’ for a year or a hundred, and it would be the same as back when I kept on grinding and selling but yet unconsciously held money at arms bay because I was SCARED of all the REASONS why maybe I couldn’t have it.
And I think …
I don’t need to drag it out like that or make it so hard like that, in this case.
And I think …
Maybe you don’t need to either?
Or perhaps love!!
Or whatever else it fucking IS.
And I guess what I’m saying is simple –
Does it actually even fucking suit you anymore?
Does it FEEL good?
Do you WANT it?
Or would you like to instead CHOOSE –
And perhaps –
You know, somebody said something to me the other day which I thought was fascinating, and is the answer to EVERYTHING when it comes to GOING ALL IN:
Just remove the fear of loss.
If there’s nothing to lose.
Because you’ve decided that actually you are FULLY ENOUGH AND IN LOVE AND ACCEPTANCE AND COMPLETENESS just in and of yourself –
Then there’s nothing to fear.
About giving your heart.
Don’t forget –
Life is Now. Press Play.