BUT I NEVER ASKED YOU TO BE PERFECT – I JUST ASKED YOU TO BE YOU

{A love letter and reminder to the me who once thought that the answer was to do everything, perfectly, always}

It was late at night –
As is often the case –
And the tasks I knew I must do were weighing heavily on me.

The resistance was strong on this day, stronger than perhaps ever, but for the first time in a long while I found myself getting curious about what the resistance was there to tell me.

See normally I would run and hide, in fact I was an expert at it!

Binge eating, for years.
Replaced by being busy, productive, getting shit DONE.
A very socially acceptable way to avoid doing the real work.
Or facing into truth.

But on this particular night it seemed that it was time to look within, ask the hard questions, accept and also ACT on the answers.

And don’t you just find that accepting answers is one thing but ACTING on them, whew boy –

That’s another thing entirely, isn’t it?! It feels SO DAMN HARD, even though as SOON as you leap, the very SECOND, you wonder what in the actual fuck it was you THOUGHT you were thinking, by not following truth.

So there I was.
Stood in my kitchen.
The laptop set to the side, the knowledge that I really HAD to sit down and ‘do the work’ draining my very soul, and all I could think, in DESPAIR, was –

“BUT I DON’T WANT TO!”

And I found myself –
Slumped over –
Head in my hands –
Trying to figure out WHAT then, I should do.

I didn’t want to go to bed, I was SO tired of going to bed feeling as though I hadn’t shown up for my LIFE.

But I didn’t want to do the work, that’s for sure! I was SO exhausted from CONTINUALLY HAVING TO DO ALL THE THINGS, to stay ahead, to get on top, to PROVE myself.

As I stood there, slumped forward, gazing at my own reflection in the mirrored panel of the wall behind the bench, a whisper came to me, from God:

“Sit”.

I raged – !

“SIT?! I can’t SIT! What am I going to SIT for? I CAN’T sit; I won’t even be ABLE to sit!”

The whisper came back, a little more insistent:

“SIT”

“Fine”, said I –

“I’ll sit. But only for a MOMENT, what on earth is SITTING going to do?!”

The whisper breezed through me once more, and clearly God has attitude – !

“You’ll sit for as long as it takes”

I felt the fight go out of me – a LITTLE!

I poured some wine.
I went into the lounge.
I took my blanket over me.
I sat.

I leaned back.

And I thought about how TIRING the whole thing was. How much there was ahead of me. Scary things which I knew were coming up in my life, and I didn’t know how to handle them, even though I know, I know – everything happens FOR me, not to me.

I stared up at the ceiling, seeking I suppose some divine inspiration, and almost immediately, a scripture came to me:

“I can do all things in Christ who strengthens me”.

I knew it was true.
I’ve always known it.
But I suppose –
It WOULD require me to ask.
And to trust.

And I find … I have found … it’s a hard thing for me to do, you know? To ask. To trust. I wonder if you find so too?

I heard it once again –

“I can do all things in Christ who strengthens me”

Take what you will from it, but what I took was this:

“Okay then God – what should I do?”

And clear as clear can be, as is always the way, when I listen within, to God, to my Self, to the message, to truth:

“Delete it all.
All that you’re holding on to.
Every single list.
And should.
And must.
Wipe the slate clean”

I thought about how freeing it would feel, if there was nothing I had to do, no lists and lists and lists and daily MUSTS hanging over me –

And I knew, I’d already known, since for EVER, but in that moment I knew it once more:

Of course.
I would be fine.
Of COURSE.
I would find my way.
Of course.
I ALWAYS know what the aligned action to take is, and in fact EVERY thing that has gotten me to where I am has come from inspired action and flow, from intuition and gut, from God and truth.

Not from a fucking list.

But yet I found myself, still, FIGHTING. There was SO much that had to be done. Important things, and people, too, to get back to! What if I FORGOT something that MATTERED! What would people think? What would HAPPEN if I didn’t do ALL THE THINGS, perfectly, always?!

And a million thoughts started to race through my mind –

About how I just wanted to be taken CARE of, and how angry I felt that I’d attracted in relationship after relationship where I WASN’T.

Followed instantly by the bucket of cold water truth that if I wanted to be taken CARE of, I should try taking care of my SELF.

We always rail against not receiving from others –
What we refuse to give ourselves.

The next thought raced in just as quickly, and almost cruelly:

Well Kat –

If you were taking CARE of your SELF, you wouldn’t be giving your LIFE for all of these things –
These SHOULDS –
These promises, to everyone and every THING, but YOU.

You’d be acting from flow.
Creating each moment IN that moment.
Present.
And in attendance.
With your life.

Nothing you ever had to do …
Yet always aligned action to take.

I felt my eyes close with the heaviness and the truth of it all, I felt like I should get up and write all of this down, but yet the voice was clear:

“No.
Not yet.
You SIT.”

And so, I sat.
And the thoughts kept coming.

About how long it had been now, how many years and perhaps even decades, I’d been promising myself that I’d get to do what I really wanted. That I’d live for what MATTERED. That I would TRUST in myself, in God, in truths which I KNEW, in my heart of hearts to BE true.

And how for just as many years –
I’d continued to delay –
To put off –
To have ‘just a few more things that needed doing first’.

And how very very possible it was –
That if I didn’t change something NOW –
My entire life would be played this way.

In case you’re wondering –
By this time I had accepted that yes. Perhaps it WAS a good idea to sit!

And I tuned in –
To how I very could have easily, once more, spent the next 4 or 5 hours, getting shit DONE, so that tomorrow – tomorrow, I promise! – I’d finally have my slate clear so I could do what MATTERED.

Once more, that knock on the door of my soul reminding me: you’re not taking CARE of you. Taking care of YOU is not responding, reacting, doing what everybody else expects, keeping up.

“But I HAVE to get it DONE!” my fearful mind shrieked. “There is SO much to do! And BESIDES, there are people, SMART and SUCCESSFUL people, who I know for SURE who follow a structure, a process, a schedule, and so I MUST TOO!”

(Even as I knew –
Of course –
I really just CAN’T. Never could. Never will. But still, yet, I RAILED!)

And then –

In one simple sentence –

The fight fully left my body.

And I felt the tears rise, as I heard God say, the thing which finally broke me –

Got through to me –

And I share because perhaps it will also, to you:

“But I never asked you to be perfect.
I asked you to be you”

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