HOW I GOT OVER BEING SHY, SCARED, AND NEVER COOL ENOUGH, SO I COULD BECOME THE REVOLUTIONARY LEADER I WAS BORN TO BE, LIVE MY DESTINY, AND CHANGE THE WORLD
For as long as I can remember all I ever wanted was to be heard and seen.
As a child I never felt good enough, I flat out KNEW I wasn’t cool, I didn’t have the right clothes, the right hair, definitely not the right confidence (or any, really!) and not even the right SANDWICHES!!
I was an awkward, shy and uncool misfit from pretty much day one, and I knew it. At the same time, I always knew I was super intelligent, that it went without saying I’d be top of every class academically, and that I was born to rule and lead.
I know … weird mix!! But it was really like that, I guess just that the whole future success thing always did feel like something that was to be part of my life one day very very far away. If I’m being honest, and even though I realise this makes me sound extraordinarily arrogant, I never QUESTIONED it though.
It’s just how it was, how my future was pre-ordained. I knew I was going to do more, create more, impact more, make millions and maybe even change the world.
In the here and now of growing up however, THAT was little more than a one day future that I didn’t need to really concern myself with.
Growing up was hard and I felt constantly out of place. I had friends, don’t get me wrong, and I had an awesome home with my parents and 3 younger siblings, and I was certainly loved and taken care of so I guess the HARD part really was this pervading sense that in spite of the hazy future which lay ahead I just felt like I had to work so hard to even scratch the surface of being ACCEPTED, acknowledged, or seen.
I look back now and wonder why it was such a big deal to me, when I really did have everything I needed. Why did I need to be noticed as MORE? Why did it matter to me so much to be one of the cool kids? What was this desperation for EVERYBODY to give me their seal of not only approval but of being enough, more than enough, special?!
Of course now I fully understand where that came from, what it was really about, and why all natural born leaders feel the same way.
Now I am GRATEFUL for that drive within, that feeling of LACK within, of having to prove myself and be MORE, as without it there’s no way I could ever have made it to HERE.
The truth is that without that constant itch of needing to show the world how IMPORTANT I am I would never have been able to get over myself, learn how to show up as who I was born to be, create this following, build this empire, and maybe even change the world; a little.
And here is the other truth, and what I know some people reading this will find hard to believe:
I never got over being that shy, insecure, please NOTICE me girl who was not quite good enough and wanted to be accepted, liked, acknowledged, heard.
I still haven’t.
You think I’m joking, you think I’m SO confident and out there, maybe even full of myself, that I expect the world to bow before my command?
Well, sure – I get how you see that and I also get how I DO that and I’ll explain in a moment.
But at my core? I still just want you to like me, and listen to me. PLEASE listen to me, what I have to say matters and EVERYBODY SHOULD HEAR ME!!
There’s no point in my story at which I evolved into being an EXTROVERT, a COOL KID, naturally sure of myself. And the truth is that I don’t know a single leader, artist, high level creator or performer who isn’t in some way driven by a need to prove themselves to the world and be heard, who isn’t at heart, when the curtains are closed and the crowds have turned away, an introvert who just wants everybody to SHUT THE FUCK UP AND LEAVE THEM ALONE.
But then come back the second we turn it back ON and hang off our every word, move, breath, thought!
Right?!
Right.
Anyway.
I never became the extrovert I know many see me as. You see me jump around, dance around, with my high energy and my red hair and my Chanel and my BLING.
That’s Kat 2.0. That’s Kat the performer. That’s me doing my fucking JOB. That’s me stepping into the role of a lifetime, the role of my lifetime, the role my lifetime was ALWAYS meant to revolve around.
So that I can do my true work.
LIVE into my calling.
Live on fucking purpose.
And impact millions with my words.
That is NOT me being the me I grew up being, and that is NOT me being who I’d be if I showed up in my business or even LIFE based on what my ego or the voice of doubt inside of my head had to say about it.
My teen years were just as awkward as my childhood years, and maybe more disturbing in a way, since it became more important to wear the right clothes, act a certain way, be sure of yourself and shine a light on your awesome. Again, I had plenty of friends and I was FINE, but I still lived with that constant sense of being not GOOD enough, not COOL enough, had no clue how to act around boys, seemed to automatically just act WEIRD when they were around, developed an odd sense of fashion, kept being top of the class academically and STILL not great in sports or at parties or at anything that really ‘mattered’, and through all of that STILL –
Really really REALLY wanted to be heard, acknowledged, seen, LISTENED to.
The one thing that got me through those years is that deep down I always felt like I would magically graduate out of high school into a Cool and Socially Awesome Person Who Knew Everything and Had No Insecurities. I honestly just ASSUMED that surely 18 years of age must be an age where you had your shit SORTED.
Long story short, it didn’t really happen. Slightly longer version – I completely screwed up much of my twenties (still had an awesome time a lot of the time, mind you!!), developing a 10-year long bulimia habit, getting married at 25 and VERY messily divorced at 26, walking away from all my savings, from my apartment, my car, my job, many of my friends, and every last possession we owned except for the cat and a few bits of crockery, before embarking on a 3-year adventire of all night binge eating and drinking coupled with mad insomnia – an hour a night sleep was a GOOD night – and about 18 short blacks a day. All while bouncing around town as a perky pretty personal trainer, remodelled from my natural brunette self to a COOL GIRL blonde, finally presenting myself as GOOD enough to the world.
Yeah … that was a fun time!! So no, the whole sort out my shit and be ENOUGH by 18, 20, even 25 thing didn’t quite happen.
Of course through all THAT I held firm to the fact that a few years later, by 30, I’d DEFINITELY have it made. Ha!!
I guess it’s kinda like how now, at 36, I assume that by 40 I’ll be a REAL AND PROPER GROWN-UP! One day we’re all going to have to come to terms with the fact that who we are at our core is who we will ALWAYS be, and that maybe just maybe that’s OKAY.
Of course now I have finally found my place in being accepted and heard, and more importantly I’ve learned to accept mySELF, but honestly? At the same time I really am still that geeky shy girl who wants to be noticed for her special gifts. I’m just a version of that girl who also wants to make millions, impact millions, and change the world.
And that’s the thing, okay? THAT is honestly the thing, because at my CORE I am who I’ve always been, who I always will be, the only person I CAN ever be, and why would I ever want to change it?!
But how I show up, how you see me, the role I play to build and run this motherfucking empire, be a revolutionary leader, MAKE those millions, get my message OUT to millions, and even to CHANGE THE WORLD?
The me who you see playing with her jewellery, playing the cool girl or the slightly spacy girl or the in your FACE and straight to the POINT girl who will leave you breathless with the truth of her MESSAGE all whilst rambling from idea to idea to idea and MAYBE even dancing on a livestream?
The me who will rant and rave and leave NO stone unturned to show you the path to alignment and then kick your ass in no uncertain TERMS to get you there?
That’s me just finally showing up as who I need to BE in order to live my freaking destiny baby.
That’s just me having finally gotten over not FEELING good enough and deciding to BE good enough.
That’s just me having finally acknowledged that if I wasn’t going to do it THEN – and NOW – and for every single FUTURE now – then when was I ever?
That’s just me having finally gotten the fuck over never getting there, never being ready, always waiting in the wings, the shadows, to be seen, to be heard, to be ALLOWED.
That’s just me finally having given myself fucking permission, not because I felt I’d EARNED it, no, not that, although inherently I think we’ve ALL fucking earned the right to walk and talk and live and breathe as who we fucking ARE, but because eventually I just got damn tired of never BEING there.
Aren’t you tired of never being there?
Haven’t you had enough of never being GOOD enough?
Haven’t you got SICK of waiting to be the cool girl, the popular kid, to be accepted?
And don’t you finally want to be heard?!
All true leaders –
And artists –
And performers –
All natural born revolutionaries –
Are really just shy kids longing to be seen.
And here is the TRUTH, which I finally had to admit:
MOST natural born revolutionaries, artists, creators, leaders with a MESSAGE, those who, like me, were born to make millions, impact millions, and change the WORLD –
Are NEVER GOING TO MAKE IT.
Never be seen.
NEVER be heard.
Never be known at ALL.
Not because they shouldn’t be, not because they’re not good enough, NOT even because they don’t have what it takes, but instead because very simply and very BRUTALLY truthfully they JUST NEVER DID.
You want to know why I show up the way I do, why I carry on the way I do, why I am CONSTANTLY putting myself out there all day in every day, maybe so much so that it even gets under your skin a little – or a lot! – at times?
You want to know why I have this following, which I’m growing, and a multiple 7-figure empire, which is becoming a $100 million dollar empire, and how it is that I get to spin the world on its heels every damn day as I be | do | have | create EVERYTHING I ever wanted and was born for and all the while essentially screaming EYES ON ME PEOPLE?!
Well let’s get REAL then honey, about why I have this, am this, have created this and you’ve perhaps not, not yet, not quite, or even at all, because it sure as SHIT ain’t because I have more confidence and certainty and readiness at my CORE than you –
So if it’s not that –
And if I really am that person who I’ve just told you I AM and swear on my kids lives that I am, then it can only be one thing really, can’t it?
I just decided to.
I just fucking DECIDED to let my message and my DESTINY be bigger than my fear and my uncertainty.
Quit deluding yourself with a bullshit fantasy that YOU can’t be like me or anybody else you aspire to because you’re not that confident, high energy, whatever.
You can do whatever the fuck you decide to. The only question is WILL YOU, because here is what I know for SURE, about leaders born with a message:
You’re either doing it NOW –
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