HOW TO STOP FUCKING IT UP, AND BE A BETTER ENTREPRENEUR, MOTHER, PERSON, YOU
I yelled at my daughter this morning.
Next level SCREAMED, I should say. My throat is actually hurting right now. Which I feel like – serves me damn right.
I feel like a bad Mum … and maybe a bad person.
You know that feeling of slightly slumped shoulder disheartedness, where you’re NOT proud of yourself, and there’s also nothing you can do to ‘fix’ it except just allow time to pass, and promise yourself you’ll show up better? That feeling of ‘well, great – the whole day is now clouded with this shit’?
Yeah … that feeling. I’m SWIMMING in it.
Why did I yell? Well, the details don’t really fucking matter, do they? Suffice to say, raising a very defiant mini-version of your own self, who seems to already have 100x the attitude at just 8 years old, can get to you at times!!
God knows she is going to take NO shit from ANYONE as an adult, and will probably lead an entire freaking revolution of her own, all while doing what she wants, ON HER TERMS, questioning EVERYTHING and accepting NOTHING, demanding and insisting on her own way, but right now …
Well. That latter bit especially is what already happens. Which is admirable mixed with infuriating, when you’re trying to parent the little badass!!
I was patient through the first round of back and forth.
The second.
The third.
But at the fourth, yep, I lost my shit. FULLY. Which did NOT in fact result in her obeying / listening, but instead we BOTH just kept going.
After I dropped her at school, ‘I love you’s’ and kisses not really making up for the energy of the morning, I drove off feeling heavy-hearted and wondering –
What could I have done better here?
Last night as I drifted off to sleep, lying between my two babies in my bed, I set an intention to myself that I want to be a better Mum. We had a great day of outings and activities together yesterday, but there were still all ‘those’ moments, and I guess I just felt like, well –
I should be better at this by now, right?
Why do the STRESSFUL bits just keep on happening?!
So, I set the intention before bed, and I think maybe this morning came along as a test perhaps!
Right now, I’m sitting in the car writing this after dropping my son off at his kids club, and I feel reluctant to get into the rest of the day. I want to fast forward to where I’m connected in love with my child again, and we both feel GOOD about it. So, I ask myself –
What could I have done better this morning? How could I have been a better Mum?
SHOULD I have just kept on repeating the same thing ad infinitum despite her not listening to me and then firing back smart-ass replies AT me? Should. I have stayed patient, calm, not raised my voice, ‘let’ my child talk to me like that?
Well … no, I don’t think. so. But then again … why was she talking like that? Where was SHE not feeling heard or understood? These are some of the things I wonder, and try to remind myself to catch myself in reactivity next time, and to calm back to groundedness before replying, yes even when things feel SO DAMN ANNOYING. lol.
But here is what else –
When we ask ourselves ‘how can I be a better mother … entrepreneur … person … etc’, from a manifestation and RESULTS gettin’ point of view, there is one simple HUGE problem right there:
If you’re stating you’re NOT yet what you want to be or think that you SHOULD be, you are going to KEEP yourself in that place of not there.
Instead of asking ‘how can I be better’, a better QUESTION could be –
‘How can I choose to love and accept myself FULLY, just as I am, right here in THIS moment?’
It’s not easy to do, is it? When you feel like you screwed something up, or you feel ashamed perhaps, of how you showed up.
NORMAL is to blame and shame ourselves, rap ourselves metaphorically over the knuckles.
YOU’RE A BAD MOTHER.
YOU’RE A BAD ENTREPRENEUR.
YOU’RE A BAD PERSON.
YOU’RE NOT GOOD ENOUGH AND PROBABLY NEVER WILL BE.
WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU?!
These are the things our minds say to us, in such circumstances.
And I wonder … since we’re talking about kids and all … I wonder … would a single one of us think it was a SMART FUCKING IDEA to say such things to a CHILD? Our own or someone else’s?!
We all understand that what you say to a child is implanted into their sub-conscious mind, and can even impact what they then step into BEING.
But also – we’re not actually assholes! We would never think it’s acceptable to talk that way to another person, would we?! To say you’re a bad PERSON, a bad ANYTHING, or that something is WRONG with you?
Well, we may well have said stuff like that on occasion, for sure. AND we know it’s not cool.
But yet, when we perceive that we ourselves have screwed up, we AUTOMATICALLY go into blame and shame.
It feels almost like the RIGHT thing to do!
I should punish myself … I don’t deserve to feel good about myself … that way I will LEARN.
Except …
It’s not how it works.
When you say you’re doing it wrong NOW, and that you should be something different to what you ARE, you are in NON-ACCEPTANCE OF SELF. Not to mention non LOVE of self.
And here’s the rub –
If you want to expand –
Grow –
Improve –
Be ‘better’ –
It comes about only from a foundation of being in love and acceptance in the NOW.
It comes from knowing that yes, even though we want SO much more, and we also demand or expect so much more OF ourselves, we are actually already enough –
Complete –
Whole –
Right here –
Right now –
In this moment –
Just as we are.
It feels REALLY hard to do, or believe though, doesn’t it?
For me in THIS moment, that feels really hard. I FEEL WRONG. I feel like I DID wrong, and I AM wrong.
And, I know, that for me to show up powerfully for my child, I need to get OUT of my own martyr mindset and into accepting who I am now. Into ALLOWING myself to sit with who I am now. Into perhaps compassion for my own self – ‘why did I respond that way? What did I actually need? What are the FACTS, not the emotional reactivity?’
And:
I love myself.
Even though I desire to make different choices, or to find a way to improve communication in this area, I love myself.
I accept myself.
I am enough.
I am doing enough.
I am good enough.
And THEN, with all the cloud of drama removed, coming to calm, and ‘okay, cool – so, what will I choose to be aware of or consider for next time? Where will I seek to CATCH myself next time, and make a different choice? What would feel ALIGNED in terms of responding to a defiant child?’
This is more useful than simply – I did bad! I screwed up! Something is wrong with me! I have to be BETTER!
Isn’t it?
In your business, I bet there have been too many times to count, where you’ve BERATED yourself for screwing up, fucking it up, or just doing something silly.
When your outcomes have led to a LESS THAN DESIRABLE result, or feeling.
And, what have you done or said to yourself, in those situations?
I hear clients, community members, and even friends, every week, say things like –
“That was so STUPID of me!”
“I’m such an IDIOT!”
“Why can’t I get my SHIT together!”
“I know I have to do BETTER!”
And I say these things from time to time about myself, too.
And then?
I catch it.
When clients or friends or fans say it and I notice?
I catch it.
I call it out.
Because it’s not fucking USEFUL to say I did wrong and I should be better.
USEFUL is – ‘oh. I notice that that didn’t feel good … or that I haven’t created the outcome I COULD have … what would have felt good / what I would love to try next time is …’
And so on.
And then also, as for the so-called ‘screw up’ or the flaking out or. whatever it was, how about this?
‘Why did I feel I needed to choose that?’
‘What did I ACTUALLY need?’
‘What would I do differently in that situation, if it arose again?’
‘What do I now decide to commit to or remind myself of?’
‘What would alignment and taking care of myself look like right NOW then?’
And also:
Even though I chose to take that action / not take that action / do or say that thing / etc –
I love and accept myself fully.
I know I am enough.
I am worthy.
I love myself.
I honour myself.
I did the best I could with what I had available in that time.
Emotional chaos REMOVED.
DRAMA de-misted.
CALM and connectedness to core RESTORED.
Do you see?
And only from THAT place can you actually see straight, to decide what IS aligned, and what you now choose.
The thing is …
We all want to in some way be perfect, never fuck up, get to ‘done’.
The thing IS though …
There is no done.
The learning will never end.
The JOURNEY will never end.
There’ll always be a new layer to drop into.
Sometimes kids will drive you bat shit crazy and you’ll snap.
Sometimes you’ll do ‘stupid’ stuff in business, and you’ll want to slap yourself over the head.
Sometimes you will think you know NOTHING about ANYTHING, as a person, and that every move you make is ridiculous!
But,
What if there were no mistakes?
What if you ALWAYS made the right decision?
What if EVERYTHING was unfolding just as it was meant to?
And what if, the stuff which most feels UNCOMFORTABLE or you want to fix | get away from | rewind, was the stuff most sent along to help you to grow, learn, and become, even more of you?
And if that were true, well …
How you gon’ get what you need from the experience if you’re over there beating yourself up about it?
It feels like the ‘right’ thing. to do to be harsh to yourself.
Actually, it is the unthinking thing to do.
Get conscious.
Wake up.
Get curious.
Get into COMPASSION.
Remove your STORY.
And uncover the truth.
You are enough, just as you are, and. EVERYTHING which makes you feel otherwise?
Is just there to show you how to go deeper.
Allow yourself to experience and fully lean INTO that growth, or don’t be surprised if you just keep on getting the same lessons served up again and again.
Be GRATEFUL for the opportunity to grow, and be strong enough to do the damn work around it.
You want it all, and to be the best?
Drop the not good enough story.
Be here now.
Look withIN.
And realise that from that place? Hell. YEAH you can be whoever you want, go to where you dream of, be the BEST version of yourself, and it ONLY gets better.
But you ain’t gonna get to there –
If you refuse to accept that right now you’re here.
DON’T FORGET –
Life is Now. Press Play.
Kat
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