I STILL MOSTLY HIDE FROM MY SUCCESS
Sometimes I feel as though I turn away from acknowledging what I’ve created, or celebrating the difference I’ve made, let alone my own wins, because a part of me feels like, well, I guess –
I don’t mean I shouldn’t celebrate or acknowledge, but more – I shouldn’t even be thinking that I am this person. That sort of person. A person who has done some pretty epic shit, ugh, it makes me feel squirmy. A person who has helped people by sharing her gifts with the world, MEGA ugh. It makes me feel like I want to run and hide because how is it possible that that could be true?
I recognise the ego in this, the go in not simply BEING in my beingness, in making it in a way ‘about me’. Oh, look at the poor little badass rich girl who lives a life that the typical 0.1% er STILL doesn’t even dare dream of, all shy and uncomfortable about her own success, her impact. Everyone give her a hug. lol. But still –
it’s how I feel.
It’s why I went years not using or asking for client testimonials. I gathered hundreds of them regardless, as people gave ’em whether or not I asked for them. But I hid them. Even from myself. Would not even watch or read them! I had to very sternly coax myself GRADUALLY into this a few years back, and then into using them on my sales pages and socials and what not.
I STILL avoid reading them most of the time.
It’s why, sometimes when my programs are kicking extra EXTRA butt I just … fade. Not for long, as I’m pretty gee darn active in my groups!! But for little bits, ESPECIALLY when I see super love and KILLER breakthroughs, I just kind of – turn away. Energetically block it off. Refuse to absorb it.
Yes this is fucking weird!! But I don’t know if I’m alone in this …
Why do I do this, feel this way, feel SO uncomfortable with owning who I have chosen to become and what it has meant in the lives of SO many other women, men, humans, and also who THEY have gone on to impact?
Is it a fraud thing?
Nope. Not really. When I feel into it … which I largely avoid doing, #obvs … it’s more like –
I don’t see that what I do in the world, the empire I built, the message I unleash on the daily for decades now, the ways in which I’ve been the waymaker in this industry, the strips I’ve torn off conformity, the norms I’ve burned down, the stakes I’ve DRIVEN into the ground –
or any of the money or fabulousness I’ve accrued –
has anything at all to do with ME.
I see it like …
that’s some other girl who I let loose on the world.
It’s not ME.
Yes. This is also fucking weird to say!! Especially given I live and breathe my message of ‘be fully you’. And who I am in my business is – fully me! So why then does it feel like NOT me?
I don’t know.
I separate it out. I see myself as being ‘that’ girl, the one who I always wanted to be and deep down knew I was, the one who people I do or do not know on the internet think … whatever it is they think about, and then, simultaneously I see it all as having ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO WITH ME.
A me who is still that shy ‘good’ girl, always wanting to be the top student, always quietly creating, writing, selling alongside winning at whatever she chose, always floating away in a world of her own while she did it all though.
A me who, in her current life, is mostly still just floating away in a world of her own and vaguely noticing all … this. Almost like some sort of fascinated observation of something that is ‘hers’ yet in some kind of parallel life.
As though all the people who send me SO much love and gratitude,
or the ones who think I think I’m all that and a half,
or the ones who wish I’d just get to the point,
or the ones who trigger me,
or the ones who’ve paid me,
or all the things I’ve done, achieved, attained, changed my own life with,
or the way my message has so powerfully gone forth and done ITS work,
is all just –
SLIGHTLY outside of the fact that all that I am is a girl who wants to be left alone with her thoughts,
and then still to this day just finds it slightly or sometimes extremely startling that she seems to have accidentally blurted said thoughts out all over the place.
Is that really me? Did I say that? To people think I AM that? Ha! Okay then.
I’ll just be back over here lost in my world,
vaguely aware that money seems to be made,
people seem to be responding,
the world seems to be spinning on its axis in a whole new way
What is the point of this post, I don’t know. But I do know this –
our job is just to keep on twirling ever deeper into wherever TF it is our soul is taking us
and if it happens to result in a 7 or 8-figure empire and a fuckload of people on the internet who think you’re the shit?
cool.
But all we actually do is step aside and let what’s in us out.
It’s as surprising to me as it is to anyone that I actually am all this.
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