I TRUST MYSELF TO DO IT RIGHT

“I trust myself to do it right.”

I used to repeatedly hold back on doing things the way I wanted to, or trusting myself to choose right, and what I found was that life used to repeatedly feel held back from ME.

It wouldn’t be fair, or accurate, to say that life held OUT on me, although old patterns had me nearly doing just that! But no. The truth was – I cock blocked life from giving me what I wanted, because I repeatedly failed to clearly demonstrate I KNEW what I wanted, or that I had given myself permission to have it.

What this was really about was that I inherently felt not good enough, or scared that I wasn’t good enough, or scared of being seen as not good enough, or some sort of glorious mixture of all of that! Which in turn led to an underlying belief that there is a right and correct and expected way of … EVERYTHING.

From the biggest life moves to the tiniest little decisions, about what to eat, or where to go, especially if those small decisions were impacting on someone else who I wanted to think of me as having done it RIGHT … I was continually second guessing myself, or flat out not just saying or doing what I wanted or what MY instinct said was ‘right’. Right for this MOMENT, of course, as opposed to the rigid idea of there being an inherent FIXED ‘right’ about anything.

Because this was such a deepset pattern, it became my ‘norm’ to worry over things, endlessly chop and change, drive everyone around me mad if my chopping and changing impacted them, and live with a sort of perpetual anxiety once I did decide upon a pathway. ‘Cause it was probably the wrong one!

I felt validated in my need to worry and second guess, because quite often things just didn’t … flow.

Money would show up, but only ever just enough and often at the last minute.

I’d get results I wanted in other areas of life, but just never EXACTLY what I wished for, or not fully.

Day to day things like activities or outings or just everyday choices were often tinged with the stress of the whole endless back and forth thang, so that even if it was a good or great thing that had then be decided upon, it kind of lost its lustre.

Life was exhausting.

So, I did what made absolute sense, and worried my butt off about how to stop being that person! Should I commit to this, or that? Go right, or left? Cancel all of it, or go all in on EVERYTHING? What do you think? What does everyone else think? What does the dog next door think? But how do we know for sure that’s right?! lol.

No wonder I had a full-blown binge / purge eating disorder for so long. It was the only peace I got.

Here is what got me out of all this:

I decided to just make myself right.

Not just when I ‘knew’. But by DEFINITION. Always. As a personal policy. No matter what!

Don’t get me wrong. This wasn’t the audacious backing of myself ego-fuelled move it could appear to be, and nor was it about just deciding to ‘cop’ the fallout if I … erm … WASN’T right.

It was seated in something far deeper than that. In a decision to continue forward in life with an underlying belief that I.can.TRUST myself.

“But how? Who said? Can you prove it? And what if you CAN’T?! What if – YOU DESTROY EVERYTHING!”

(said my shrieky fear mind)

Except –

I can.

And I will.

And I am now going to.

(said my determined soul).

Because I was exhausted, partly. I was exhausting my loved ones. But also, something beneath my worries told me the truth. And the truth was this:

The way I live my life … what I feed in to my heart, mind, body and soul … the actions I consistently take and have built habits around for years … such as my journaling, looking within, writing, creating, speaking, expressing, and building a business and a life which, despite all of my fears and worries, truly is built on that inner drum guiding me to PURPOSE … the continued call back to God and destiny, even though I worried more than anything about getting THAT right … but yet I kept choosing it.

all of this is enough to lean on.

And so I decided to lean on it.

As much as I so often felt, and still feel, like I am just muddling through. And who knows where it’s going!

But at some point you have to realise –

the muddling through is not only enough,

it’s the entire mofo POINT.

And at some point you must also decide:

And now I will lean on the way I have chosen to do life.

And choose that it is enough.

For GOOD.

From this place, I still fall. I still cry. I still ‘screw things up’, depending on perspective. But what I really do is this:

I back myself on what my nudge is. In every thing, big or small. I just go with that. It makes it so EASY, but more than that?

It is what I have CHOSEN as right.

Because it saved me? No.

Because it just kept showing me. And eventually –

I gave in.