IN 2020 GOD BROKE ME

2020 was not a year I made more money than ‘ever before’ in my business.

It was not a year where I grew my audience, put myself out there in bigger and bolder ways, made new connections, hustled or even flowed into that ‘next next level’.

2020 was not a year I found my soulmate, and found true love.

None of these things in the obvious ways.

In 2020 my income stayed ‘stagnant’ at around 3.3 million $.

My email list stayed roughly about exactly the same as it’s been for years.

My overall social media went DOWN (due to a bunch of not aligned folks who’d ended up on my Instagram after I went in one of those growth competitions once at the end of 2019).

My expenses went UP, as I hired new team members.

In many ways – it was a year of standing still, or even of feeling like I was a little adrift, not quite sure if I really wanted to keep doing what I’ve done for years now; at least not in the way I’ve done it.

From an ego perspective, in 2020 I spent a decent amount of time wondering what was ‘wrong with me’ that I couldn’t seem to pull my finger out, dig deeper to create more or grow more, get back in that super flow lane of ever increasing income.

I watched a LOT, quietly and from behind the scenes. I watched new people rise as leaders in the online coaching world. I watched established ones go deeper into their message and brand. I watched lots of people I thought I aligned with, have spent time with, become extraordinarily nasty and off-balance in what they spewed forth online about those with different viewpoints to them. I watched my own triggers wash over me, ebbing and flowing like the tide, as I observed my reaction to not feeling like I was definitely ‘one of the top’ anymore. I observed how that was probably largely my own feelings because I knew I wasn’t quite dropped in on everything I was doing anymore, not in the way I had been back when I had that EVER-building Midas touch.

I watched myself from the outside in as my values shifted more than they have in years, as my priorities changed accordingly, as I just … stopped caring about a lot of it. And couldn’t seem to bring myself to get that care back.

I watched the ‘best’ online coaches continue to really love that all in showing up which I myself have taught for years. I started to feel more than ever that the whole thing is just like a high school playground. (Something I’ve felt for years). I started to want to remove myself more and more. I still showed up when the message came through (always do that; try stop me!), and considering it comes through a lot I was still infinitely more prolific than 99.99% of those online. But to me it felt … different.

In 2020 I stopped caring about going ever further with a personal brand, being ever more seen in THIS space.

I reconnected with an old soulmate friend and we laughed together at the idea that it was ever just about ‘build an awesome coaching business and then die’. Yes I’ll always love having my coaching business! But that’s not my life.

And in 2020 I started caring deeply, in a way I’ve not so deeply cared my entire life, about going ever further with my relationship with God, and self.

In 2020 I met the man I soon thought I’d spent the rest of my life with. We met on a plane, I KNEW before I got on the plane I’d meet him, we whirlwind dated and started to fall in love before he was excommunicated back to America (his homeland) in March due to Covid, and we fell fully in love digitally after that. We planned a life together. He started to make moves to move here. Marry me. Look after me for life. It was everything I’d waited for for years. The way he showed up for me, who he is as a person … WOW. Nobody I know had met a man who shows up like this! Who is so deeply ingrained in his values, his truth, his core.

In 2020 I fell out of love with that man, it just … faded. Towards the end of the year. And by early January 2021 I was certain. Was the love real? Yes. Was the possibility of spending our lives together real? Absolutely. Was he the man for me? No. I waited on this, took it to God repeatedly, the whole time we’d felt God was guiding us anyhow, so how could it change?

It did.

I ended it last week.

Certain. Calm. At peace. And so grateful for what was and so grateful for him. I had 4 separate VERY clear pieces of confirmation from God within the same day after ending it. I already had God certainty before I did. But that was … wow. And more since then.

In 2020 I realised – the reason I met that man and we went through everything we did, which was SO intense was –

2020 was not the year for me to make more money.

To get more ‘famous’ online.

To ‘blow up my audience’.

To make a ton of new badass friends.

2020 was the year for me to fully lay myself before God.

In 2020 God broke me down and renewed my soul, and although I’d fully been FOR him before that … hm. Maybe not. (I know the journey of submitting to God will never end!)

In 2020 God CHANGED me. At dinner last night, my best friend Kelly, when we were talking about the huge changes of late in my personal life, said – “well the biggest difference in you this past year is God”.

I cried.

My whole life I’ve known that God is the game-changer. My whole life I’ve known – it’s about how you plant yourself in him, and others will see that and be changed from it.

2020 was not the year I made more money.

Nor was it the year I found the soulmate I thought I had.

Nor was it a million other cool things.

2020 was the year NUMEROUS of my friends and clients told me they were restoring their relationship with God, and it was because of me.

2020 was the year I truly gave my ALL-ness to what it was given to me for. For my purpose and my path in HIM.

2020 was the year I learned to open my heart again, to receive and give love, to break down and breakthrough and shatter into pieces a million times as deep deep wounds healed,

and I saw for the first time the possibility of true lasting love, with God at the centre.

2020 was the year I started to truly believe and claim the sort of marriage I will have, the additional babies, God willing, the life, all of it.

I thought it was with one person, well – that bit changed. The rest, no. I was shifted into a woman ready to have and be fully in the marriage and family she knows is there for her.

In 2020 I did not make more money.

Build shiny mountains on the Internet.

Find my new soulmate.

But I found God. Properly.

I made tons of new friends in real life. Friendships which will last me FOR life.

I laughed more than I have my entire adult life. Stomach cramps / pants wetting laughter for hours each week. Tuesday night/ CAH crew, you know who you are and you’re a big part of that.

I spent more time than ever before in family and adventure mode with my kids (and we’ve always done a lot of that!).

I had amazing new private clients come into my space, several pay in full for a year. I continued to mentor the amazing clients I’ve mentored in some cases for years.

In 2020 I easily and effortlessly raised my 1:1 coaching rates to $10,000 per month. It was such a reminder that alignment always feels like the smoothest dropping in of a piece of the jigsaw puzzle,  and nothing else. Never say no to these nudges…

I 2020 I had more millionaire and becoming millionaire clients than ever. I stepped even more deeply into KNOWING the work I am here to do with clients and in my programs, and it ain’t business coaching.

In 2020 I created some of my best work ever. I did less than I have in years (which is also saying something, as I nailed that whole flow life millionaire thang a long time ago!), but what DID come out of me was WOW. So good. So blessed.

In 2020 I purchased my first commercial property, which we are now fitting out for virtual event space, production, a set, masterminding, and of course the fun and play and dance of each new day with my team.

In 2020 I grew my personal wealth SIGNIFICANTLY.

In 2020 I overcame 19 years of chronic glandular fever, and got about 6-7 hours a day back. Holy wow. I also found out about a ton of food allergies, and reverse aged every bit of my physiology by about an extra 10 years!

In 2020 I LOVED being who I am, being 40 and then 41, being THIS woman in THIS time, but I also saw so clearly where I’d been hiding out from what more deeply matters to me.

In 2020 I truly started to feel, honestly for the first time in years, like I could be proud of ALL of who I was becoming, not just of some business ‘accomplishments’. This is about God. It was always about God.

In 2020 I found (again!) I couldn’t be bothered with being pretty and polished and perfect and proper and OH so shiny online. I marvelled at the women who do it so well. I felt the old triggers. And I reminded myself who I am, and that I’ve always been about the raw, the gritty, the mess.

In 2020 I claimed more deeply than ever that everything still coming for me will show up because I DECIDE. Really mean it. And simply choose to see myself as being now the embodiment of that decision. That’s how it works. It’s how it always works…

In 2020 I lost my way completely, in so many ways. I let things slide, or stay in limbo. I was not motivated to care.

But in 2020 I found the raw.

I found the grit.

I found the bleeding pulsing HEART of the thing, in ways so huge and new it was like I’d never known me before at all.

Except I always of course had.

In 2020 God changed me.

And I let Him.

Today I come here to remind you:

it’s never going to not be about where it’s always been leading for you. I STRONGLY recommend you give in now.

In 2021 I am pretty sure I’m going to get married and pregnant (curveball!). I’m quite sure I’ll create epic new things (try stop me!). I’m even more sure I will have adventures and fun to rival the most adventure-y and fun of you out there! I KNOW I’ll do amazing things in and with and for God. I’m CERTAIN I’m going to have the best year of my life. Again.

In 2020 I dropped even further into remembering who I am. In 2021 I’ll drop further still.

AGAIN.

Was there really ever any other point to all of it?

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