YOU ALWAYS KNEW
I remember being 8 years old, standing in a line for something or other in the school yard, an endless queue of students waiting patiently to be admitted for perhaps a special assembly, looking at the girl standing just ahead of me, a year older and who I didn’t know at all, watching as she seemed sad, and down, and lost, and had that whole “I don’t know how to be” vibe going on, and thinking to myself –
I can help you.
I can show you the way.
To confidence, to certainty, to standing tall and upright and proud and OWNING who you are.
Of course I didn’t think it out in quite such adult terminology at 8 years old, but I certainly did think ‘I can help you’, and what was behind that was a feeling, a knowing, an essence, of what I just wrote.
A little sign of who I always was and who I would one day become.
What’s funny about the story, is that I myself was the worst example of a kid who was certain, confident, upright and proud, ‘cool’ in any way, or owned who she was!
I wore the most God-awful hand-me-down clothes you’ve ever seen in your life …
I was THE most introverted girl in my class, always, and also the school square / top of the class always, a combo which does not exactly make for ‘cool factor’ …
I ALWAYS felt like I’m doing it wrong, ‘it’ being, well, whatever it was the normal girls or cool girls were supposed to be doing!
Even my SCHOOL lunch was uncool, with brown wholegrain sandwiches long before anybody was eating THAT, and often bizarre concoctions such as alfalfa with peanut butter and sultanas, plus banana mashed in.
You can’t make that shit up. The trauma is real haha.
But yet something inside of me looked at this lost and sad girl who had no friends and no clue of who she was and just KNEW –
I can help you.
I can help you to understand who you are –
How life works –
And how to find your way.
As I grew older, the fascination with understanding people only became stronger. I spent months in 5th grade, at 10 years old, studying psychology and body language in my own time, and doing my school presentations on said topics, and pretty much from then on I was hooked at going deeper with something I’d always naturally known how to do –
Read and understand people. See them beneath the surface. Understand in a HEARTBEAT, or less, who they really are, what they’re hiding from, what they know they are meant to be living for, what their SOUL is screaming and fighting and almost dying for.
I see people better than what they have ever consciously seen themselves, and I am also gifted with the ability to see EXACTLY what it is they need to say yes to, own, acknowledge, or ‘do’ in order to say yes to all of them. To top it off, I have the ability somehow, just through my presence, my breath, a look, barely anything I need to say, to somehow impart over to people the inner strength and fortitude they need to then go DO it.
When you hang around with me, for even the briefest of moments, you remember who you always were –
And then you become it.
The thing is … even though I can very clearly now see that this was always there and ONLY who I always was, it took me literally decades of my life to fully own this power, and allow my business, my life, my very AM-ness, to be about it.
I was drawn towards being a lawyer because I knew I can win anyone over with words, there’s not an argument or debate of intellect or EQ which I am available to NOT win, and I am a master at pulling the exact precise download, transmission, CERTAIN objection overcoming statement out of thin air.
When I go into the space, and DEMAND it?
The magic appears.
So I got the grades, I went to University, I stopped going straight away because as it turned out there was really no magic to be found in studying a process, a system, and being told what to do and how to think, what the rules of the game were.
Why would I need that?
How was there even a pre-defined game to have rules for?!
Without understanding myself remotely at the time, I understood enough to know that no –
This wasn’t going to work out.
Sorry, it’s not me, it’s you. You’re a rigid and boring system and I just won’t follow through.
I was drawn after that to pursuing my other childhood dream, of becoming a professional writer, a journalist, one in great esteem writing for the greatest paper in my home town of Melbourne!
I lasted maybe … 5 weeks? I don’t remember exactly. Studying Professional Writing & Editing.
I didn’t like being told how to write …
But I still didn’t understand myself, and what I felt mainly was a little worried that me, the A++ ‘top of the class’ student who was MOST suited (according to high school teachers) for tertiary education and a life of societal esteem, was FAILING HORRIBLY at following through with ANY of the proper adult pathways.
What was to become of me?
Who would I be?
So, I went to Europe for a few months, gained some weight, became a gym junkie as a follow on from that, and then a Personal Trainer for the next 13 years of my life as a follow on from THAT, and because hey –
Why not?
I loved fitness, and PT working for myself under the support of a large health club allowed me to utilise my natural talent for sales.
I crushed it.
But I was not so great at ‘just’ being a fitness trainer … new clients would wonder what the fuck was happening as within 15 minutes of meeting me they were bawling in the members lounge over the state of their life and how NOT on purpose they were.
“I thought I was going to workout!” they would wail.
“Yeah yeah, we’ll get to that”, I said.
“No point working out if you’re not connected to what you really want in life, who you’re meant to be, and why you’re not doing it! Connect to THAT and you won’t need motivation or willpower for fitness!”
Most of them were astounded, and grateful. Some got super fucking angry with me as I in minutes managed to pull up the truth about what they’d always been running from, and who they were not being.
Over the years, MANY of my high-level corporate and professional PT clients quit their jobs … lawyers, analysts, CEO’s, even a brain surgeon! And would always say something to me like “this is because of the conversations I’ve had with you. You’ve made me realise what life is about, and I can’t keep doing this”
The day my brain surgeon client (who was young, in his first year) told me this I was equally in awe and fascination of my own gifts whilst also terrified his parents might come hunt me down. Who the fuck was this 25 year old personal trainer who had caused their son to throw his whole life away?!
Well … to FIND it. But you get my point 🙂
Meanwhile, in 2006, I started to blog.
I created a fitness website, and then blog, and I wrote about fitness, nutrition, and fat loss, because hey – that was who I was, right?
Well … not really.
The inner work, the values stuff, the press PLAY stuff, it just kinda kept creeping out.
But I continued to brand as a fitness chick.
For years.
And I built a very successful online fitness biz to multiple 6-figures per year, well before anybody was doing such stuff on the Internet. Why I was so successful was of COURSE because of my true message, but yet, no –
I wasn’t owning that or allowing myself to be known for that.
But I didn’t know how … I was fitness! Who would want to listen o me on all that?
In 2012 I decided to take the leap and rebrand under my own name.
This was it! Time to be the REAL me!
Instead, somehow, I accidentally just switched from surface based fitness coach to surface based business coach, once again teaching mainly nuts and bolts and shitty at the world and myself for NOT LISTENING TO OR WANTING THE TRUTH.
I would keep putting offers out there around living your dream life, being fully you, doing the real work, and so on … and they’d fall flat.
I wasn’t owning it.
I didn’t know how to really express it.
It was just something I FELT.
Fast forward to now.
There is ABSOLUTELY NO DOUBT, in my own mind or anybody else’s, that who I AM, is the person who, more than ANY other person in the world, can help you to find – remember! – who you always were, and THEN BECOME IT.
I have ABSOLUTE message clarity.
I own it fully.
No filters. No edits. ALL the madness.
And I am paid millions of dollars a year for it.
For the same thing which I looked at that girl in the schoolyard about, and thought –
‘I can help you’.
YOU ALWAYS KNEW.
There was no way I could have or did have the clarity confidence and certainty that I have now about who I am, sooner.
I always knew, and yet I only found OUT I knew through showing up for all the other stuff.
The way is only ever revealed through action.
Blind faith.
Leaping, stepping forward, trusting, when you can’t see and don’t know.
In the end you WILL be who you always were.
But if you don’t simply BE now, show UP now, with what you have and who you are in THIS moment, and as best as you can?
Then you risk never remembering.
Never knowing what you always knew.
And certainly never becoming it.
So stop waiting to be sure.
Stop looking.
Stop trying to get CLARITY, and using lack of it as a reason to not show up.
I only came to know what I always knew through showing up for every other possible thing first, and then slowly but surely noticing the pattern of what I always came back to, or somehow managed to make it about.
And just take the next damn step.
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