YOU’RE WAITING FOR NOTHING, AND GIVING YOUR LIFE FOR IT

When you finally get to ‘there’, the place where you’ve done the thing of being the thing and creating the things in your life which you said you would and always could, you’re not going to look back, not even for a single second, and say that it happened the way you figured it out to, exactly like ‘they’ told you you’d have to, or any of that sort of hooha.

It’s going to happen in a way beyond your most detailed plans and imaginings, and in particular?

It’s going to happen in a way beyond the fears you allowed for so long to tell you that you couldn’t, that you shouldn’t, and that even if you did then it WOULDN’T –

work.

Not for you.
Not like that.
Not THAT amazing.
Or at the very least not yet.

Can I tell you something?

It’s a thing that I like to do. 

You’re waiting for nothing, and yet giving your life for it.

Think about that. Really think about it, sit with it, feel into it, BREATHE IT IN BABY BECAUSE THAT IS THE GOOOOOOOD GOOD. By which I mean BAD BAD HOLY SHIT REALLY REALLY BAD.

You’re waiting for NOTHING, and yet?

You’re giving your life for it.

Your stories, your doubts, your ‘what about this or that’, your ‘but I’m HERE! And I know how to be good, maybe a little better, maybe a little better still at being HERE! I don’t know how to be THERE, there is a scary and mystical and wonderful and bad place! I DON’T KNOW IF THEY WILL LIKE OR WANT ME THERE! Maybe peoples will EAT me there!’

(and anything else you wanna add to all of that because I KNOW you got it),

none of it,

no NONE of it,

not a single.tiny.silly.BIT of it,

is valid.

I don’t mean there’s not shit that could happen, even blow up in your face, cause the destruction of major parts of your identity and perhaps even life, if you choose to go there.

But valid?

VALID?

Mofo VALID?

No girl, no.

I don’t think so.

When you look back, should you be given the chance, you’re going to say “I waited for nothing, and I gave my whole life for it”.

That’s IT.

That is it.

It’s that terrible and that simple and that God awful and, well, it’s that.

So –

is it worth it?

Is it worth the day after day after endless day, in which you vaguely think or feel or silently scream about who you’re not being, and promise yourself that soon enough you will be, that you’re going to get on top of your CURRENT life shit, and then, and then, and then –

(do you ever actually finish the ‘and then’?)

– you’re going to FINALLY get off your place and figure out how to hack your way into ‘there’,

but yet you don’t, and in actual fact you don’t even try because you’re busy being busy continuing to be whatever it is you’ve allowed yourself to SO far be.

Is it worth it?

Is it worth that, even though in many peoples book, a lot of ’em in fact, you’re pretty freakin’ cool. You got stuff going ON. A good life. Maybe even great. That this.is not.what it.was supposed.to be!

Is it worth it?

That again and again and again you have to go to bed at night KNOWING you didn’t go all in, you didn’t even actually go anywhere except for where you always are,

doing and creating more of the same, and PERPETUATING, like your life depends on it, the same identity cycle.

Is it worth it?

And I get it. No, really, I get it. You already shape-shifted before! You DID the identity upgrades! You left so much behind, you walked into the light, you created a new reality for who you are and now you are LIVING it!

How many people can say that they did what you did?!

Not many.

And that is for real.

BUT SO WHAT SO WHAT SO WHAT SO MUCH FREAKING WHAATTTTTTTTTTT?!

You and I both know that it has nothing to do with ANYTHING, whether or not you are remotely a certified badass because of all the next level cool shiz you’ve created, overcome, said yes to, allowed through!

Write a list, I’ll read it and I’ll high five you all over the place. Gold stars on every point, and I bet there’s a lot of ’em!

And then write a list of everything you said you would be, you knew you CAME to be, and yet still have not CHOSEN to be.

Write a list. I’ll read it.

I bet there’s only one or two things really.

But they’re everything.

And I’ll hug you and cry with you and wipe your tears away when the end comes and you turn and you sob and you say –

I waited for nothing.

And I gave my life for it.

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