CALLING IN ABUNDANCE, AND NOT GIVING A FUCK. A LESSON ON RECEIVING
I just spent $567.53 USD on dinner, for one, plus tip, and I OVER tip as a rule. So – $697.53, actually, since I just signed the check midway through writing this blog, and have now amended this first paragraph.
STOP READING NOW IF PEOPLE TALKING ABOUT SPENDING MONEY … INFINITE MONEY … INFINITE ABUNDANCE OF ALL FORMS … TRIGGERS YOU!
$416 wine. BORDEAUX, of course, what were you thinking?
Rest rest, food, whatever it was, it was amazing.
I have to admit, I’m kinda embarrassed to post about this … it feels pretentious, or audacious, or reckless, or just like, the kind of thing you ‘shouldn’t’ talk about … but then again, I’ve always been a sucker for talking about things one should not speak of
There are certain places in the world, where I seem to go out of my way to make some kind of a POINT, about spending money.
Those places are called A-M-E-R-I-C-A, largely
Okay, especially New York. And especially LA. And definitely also London as well, when I’m there (dw, I’ll get back there soon enough!)
Okay, okay, basically any amazing city, especially when I’m alone. Or especially when I’m with clients. Or especially when I’m feeling high vibe as fuck! Or EXTRA especially when I am alone, and yes I know I already said that. It’s double true.
O-KAY then. Most place, most of the time. Haha.
The truth is, actually, if you want it, that I AM proving a point. Since I never wrote about this before, and I’ve been wining and dining myself this way (amongst other fancy things!) for years, I’d say largely to ME. But now let me make it to you –
There was a time when I not only was categorically not buying $416 bottles of wine just for a quiet working dinner for one, but I couldn’t even buy COFFEE.
The horror. It was as awful as it sounds, and then some. I don’t know what was worse actually – worrying about paying my wifi bills, or worrying about paying for coffee. Fuck food, I was failing at the grocery store checkout all the TIME. I used to go in there like I was playing the lottery – bizarrely I would choose NOT to login first and freakin’ CHECK my bank balance, I would get about $30 of food and just pray.
Sometimes it worked.
Sometimes it did not.
At least 2 or 3 times a week it DID NOT, and I would fumble some excuse, or just abandon my stuff at the self-serve checkout, and leave.
It never occurred to me that given the frequency with which this shit occurred, it might have been observed by staff … #doh
I learned to live on the knife edge of the knife edge, as so many entrepreneurs do, and maybe you are right now.
Coffee, wifi, food, those were my daily struggles.
But, I also sold my house. My car. My pitiful share portfolio. My husbands motorbike. Even my (not great!) purses on eBay. It ALL just disappeared.
Travel, when we did it, was budget as FUCK. EVERYTHING was budget as fuck. Except for growth. lol. Somehow I also made THAT work!
I stayed there, on the knife edge, for YEARS.
Never QUITE drowning.
But always gasping for air, going under, and wondering if I’d come back up again.
Somehow I always managed to break the surface at the final moment, shocked expression on my face as I realised just how close I’d been to COMPLETELY bottoming out.
And to make matters worse (or funnier, depending on your perspective!) the one time I cried out to God and asked ‘how much longer; I can’t TAKE it, He answered –
“You’re going ALL THE WAY DOWN before you come back up again”
Actually, it was a huge blessing in disguise, to hear that. In fact, it wasn’t even so disguised.
I’d been fighting SO HARD to stay afloat. Resisting like a MOTHERFUCKER. And refusing to ‘be’ where I was.
In that moment, something inside of me snapped.
“Well, BRING IT ON THEN GOD!”, I shouted, and I FLUNG my arms out in the air, quite literally.
“IF I’M GONNA GO DOWN, THEN LET’S JUST FUCKING DO IT, AND FAST!”
YEP, I cursed at God.
I meant it though. I had this vision come through me, in that incredible moment, in which I heard (I swear!) the AUDIBLE voice of God tell me I was going to GO TO ROCK BOTTOM.
And the vision was me on a rollercoaster.
Holding on oh so tight.
REFUSING to let momentum take its course, on the scary downward slope.
I saw quite clearly, that if I didn’t LET GO AND SURRENDER, I was going to get to the bottom and have NO MOMENTUM TO GET BACK UP AGAIN.
In that second, I let go.
BRING IT ON THEN GOD!
I surrendered, FULLY.
I let go, FULLY.
I decided to not GIVE a fuck, FULLY.
And in that SECOND, my life was changed, because all of a sudden I was NO LONGER BOUND BY FEAR.
What good had it served me ANYWAY? None! So why not just OWN and EMBRACE where I was.
And so I did.
Fast forward 4 weeks from SURRENDERING, and I had made an extra 40k ‘from nowhere’, a new idea which just WORKED.
6 months after that I was going 50k a month.
8 months after that 80k.
And 10 months after that, November of 2014, I had my first 100k month, and right away wrote one of my 50+ Amazon best-selling books, ‘The 100k a Month Formula’. This is a MINDSET book, duh.
So what has all of this got to do with spending what most people would consider a foolhardy amount on dinner and wine even once, never mind on repeat?
Well, I’ll tell you.
Part of what I REALISED in that moment of crying out to God, having Him respond, seeing the accompanying vision, and making the choice to LET GO, was that I was talking a decent game on abundance at the time, but I was not BACKING myself.
Maybe sometimes …
But I certainly didn’t ‘always do what my soul desires and requires’, like I do now!
NOW I know (and live by, and speak of, often!) that WHEN I SAY YES TO MY SOUL, LIFE SAYS YES TO ME.
It’s a rule.
Only if you fucking FOLLOW it, always though, not just when it feels convenient or logical or not scary!
I realised –
That if I really believed ABUNDANCE WAS INFINITE, then I would ALWAYS be saying yes to what I, well, felt like!!
It sounds reckless, doesn’t it?
How could you trust yourself?
What if your soul feels like REPEATEDLY GETTING INTO DEBT FOR MENTORS AND COOL SHIT, AND OTHER SHIT?
Well, what if?
I dunno … I dunno what YOUR aligned path is at all, and I would certainly never tell you to get into debt ‘or else’, in fact I wouldn’t tell you to do ANYTHING, except for whatever YOUR soul says!
But for me? Honestly? A big part of MY journey WAS getting into (at my ‘worst’, let’s say BEST!) over 145k of total debt!
I am GLAD I did that.
I learned so much.
And I NEVER said no when I knew I had to work with someone | travel somewhere | buy a thing | do a thing.
Somehow, I always made it work … just. Head above water, gasping for air, barely, just in time.
It was exhausting.
It was relentless.
It was terrifying.
It was my fucking PATH, and I wouldn’t change a SECOND of it.
I sit in very fancy restaurants by myself (or with friends, but these deep moments tend to happen mainly alone)
I might be in one of the highest rated Michelin star restaurants in New York City, as I am right now.
Or, anywhere, really.
And there’s this moment.
This moment when I look back –
And I remember the girl, the girl who since 11 years old, KNEW she was born for more. Who read Tony and Brian and Zig and Harry at that age and said YES –
That’s what I’m going to do.
Not – ‘I want to do that, or I’ll try’.
But, that is what I WILL do.
The girl who, then, had no idea HOW to do it, and so initially sought to embark upon a normal ‘successful’ career, become a lawyer. Got the grades for it. Went to University for … a week? Stopped going. Started selling random shit instead. Freaked the fuck out over what she was doing with her life. Became a personal trainer, basically as a way to prove she was finally one of the COOL kids. Got married at 25. Divorced at 26, messily and with much trauma. Had a ‘quarter life crisis’ at 27, and suddenly realised – fuck! All of that stuff she dreamed of wasn’t gonna happen if she didn’t MAKE it happen. Started a blog. Had no idea what she was doing. Heard about ‘ebooks’. Wrote one. Made $407 with her first online launched. Realised instantly, in her kitchen, as she looked at the sales, that if she could make $407 she could make ALL THE MONEY IN THE WORLD AND SHE WAS UNSTOPPABLE. Started to listen more to what people said, needed, wanted. Made info products. Then more. Lost her way. Found it again. Got married again. Had kids. Left a marriage again, EVEN more messily. Kept going, somehow, through it all. Eye on the prize, KNOWING she was born for it, KNOWING that if she just.kept.going she would GET there.
I remember that girl.
And I remember how somewhere, deep within, she ALWAYS fucking knew –
That what she felt inside of her was real.
That ABUNDANCE was real.
That it was INFINITE.
And that whatever she asked for IN FAITH and held true to and refused to sway from, took SOUL ALIGNED action towards, would HAVE to come true.
I remember that girl, so fondly, and I see her, now finally, with true love and acceptance when I look at her.
And I guess all I’m saying is, well –
Sometimes I like to raise a rather fine glass to her, and to all she became, and will still become, and all she knows, and has always known.
I just wanna fucking prove the point that every dollar I spend is returned to me tenfold, and then some.
And either you believe fully –
And act accordingly –
Or you don’t at all.
Either way –
You already chose.
Your actions show it.
And your life?
Is created by it.
I love you.
I honour you.
I believe in you.
Don’t forget –
Life is Now. Press Play.