DON’T BE AFRAID TO SHOW YOUR NOT COOL FACTOR
I had such a big wake up call and lesson this morning. I’m laughing at myself right now at how damn obvious this is, and how I didn’t see it before.
There’s this guy.
Well, there was this guy.
Well, I guess he is still a guy, just not one I am talking to any longer.
I’ve been speaking with him for a couple weeks, and I REALLY wanted to meet him. Partly because God damn, I’ve never had such a leave-me-breathless sexting conversation in my life, if this man actually showed up with even 10% of what he was talking about as far as his ability to understand what driven women want and need then he was something that makes Unicorns look commonplace! And partly because of the rest of the conversation, the way his mind seemed to work and his observations about life, people, etc. You know I’m SUCH a sucker for anybody who doesn’t operate on the earthly plane!! I get pretty attached pretty easily when I come across somebody in real life who is even a bit ‘like us’. Nevermind if they’re talking about THAT sort of other-worldly sex!
Anyway –
I didn’t really tell this guy about what I do … or I guess, who I am. I just decided to keep it on the d-low, and see where the conversation went without going into this whole thing about online me. BUT, I also didn’t really show the actual OFFLINE me.
Instead, somehow, I made it about being the cool or hot chick. We were sending a lot of photos, and I sent all photoshoot ones … culminating with some pretty wtf photos and videos from behind the scenes at one of my shoots last week, one that went just a LITTLE bit more risqué than what I’ve ever done before, at the fight gym.
I guess without thinking about it consciously at the time, my underlying mindset was that to keep this guy’s attention I should play the role of being this hot sexy cool chick. So I sent him a pretty cheeky video of myself and another girl, just playing around at the shoot.
And I literally stopped hearing from him the next day. When we’d been talking pretty continually up til then.
VERY unusually for me, I followed up. He still didn’t answer, and then a day ago, so after a week of ghosting, randomly messaged me something small.
Now don’t get me wrong – I already knew this isn’t going anywhere, as if I was to actually date a guy it definitely wouldn’t play out with all THAT, but something in me decided to actually ask.
I sent him this:
“Please select all options which apply and let me know ASAP as I am unreasonably annoyed with you for disappearing on me and I hate not knowing things. 😂
1) you got worried maybe I am secretly a porn star after I sent you photo shoot videos last week and therefore I’m not safe to have sex with or something, maybe I am out there talking to or fucking alllll the men (seriously this is what my mind is thinking you must have thought after you disappeared … side note I run an online coaching business, the photo shoot was a lot of mucking around, also I am exactly the opposite of a player) 🙄
2) You never intended to meet, were always just talking shit or playing or have a girlfriend or something like that so just decided that’s enough now 🙄😢
3) suddenly ghosting me then sending random kisses a week later is part of your master plan for making me even more fascinated by you 👿
4) you were / are on a silent retreat
5) don’t know, I’m sure I’ll come up with a new theory if I keep thinking it, about which I guess I’ll now stop if you’re still gonna be all mysterious after this, but the fact that I AM already still thinking about it is pretty ridiculous … I am grumpy that you managed to get my attention enough for me to send you videos etc that I never sent any other guy AND fascinate me with conversation and then oddly just leave right when you knew you were driving me crazy sooooooo –
There you go.
😘“
I didn’t expect a reply, I mean really – this was just an online connection that fell away, get over it, right?
But, he wrote back. And gave a pretty straight up (if douchy, according to Amanda Frances) response as to why he cut off conversation, part of which was about the photoshoot stuff and it just being a bit much. Just as I thought!! There were also other reasons which are not relevant to this story.
Now here’s the thing –
I FULLY know that any guy I date is gonna be okay with me being all of me, including the performer aspect. The me who was playing around being way over the top sexy and silly IS part of me. And in no way would I ever let somebody into my space who doesn’t honour and adore all of me! So yeah … if ANY part of you is ‘too much’ for someone, even if it’s only a part of you that comes out to play super rarely and not for the public, it still gets to be honoured and adored!
But –
The reality is I never showed this guy much more than JUST my over the top supposedly ‘cool and hot’ bits.
Here’s what I wrote back to him this morning:
“Well, thanks for all of that I didn’t really expect a reply
How interesting.
It’s so funny to me, I knew the shoot was some kind of trigger, it’s funny because my life is so basic / NOT that sort of thing at all usually and those last 2 shoots were kind of a one off wild aberration from my normal self and I thought it would be hot to send. I spend 99% of my time head down in gym gear writing; I’m a writer and also a huge introvert in real life.
This is who I actually am. Writing writing writing.https://
This is a great lesson for me … I showed you only one very small side of me, the performer aspect with the photos etc, which is something I do deliberately to try and bring myself out of my shell and get more comfortable with performing.
But who I am day to day is the shy writer chick who mostly avoids people unless they operate on a non earthly level in terms of mind / connection to soul. Which is what attracted me to you. I pretty much only showed that one part of me and played it up because I still have that part of me that thinks being only the quiet introspective one is not cool or interesting enough.
I am aware that’s a lot of really unnecessary over explaining I guess I just wanted to clear it out of my head!”
Quick side note for all the love coaches / femme power babes on my feed:
I GET that I didn’t need to explain myself to him.
I GET that I get to be all of me with a guy.
And I also get that of course there are amazing men out there who I can have an insane sexual AND energetic connection out there who want all of that.
But what I got from this mostly was, well, what I wrote above. Holy shit!! Without even noticing it, when it comes to men, I have been pretty much automatically showing only what I think is the cool / badass side of me!
I think my underlying mindset STILL is that I’m lucky to have any male attention at all. So I tend to latch on to it, and then try to be who I think I need to be to keep that attention!
I know, right? FACEPALM! No need to tell me 🙂
But, couple my insecurities in this area with my INSANELY high and rigid standards (the dude has to rock my head, my heart, AND my pussy … OBVIOUSLY) … and it does kind of mean I only very rarely engage with a man in any capacity.
As I said to Amanda in talking about it – I DO believe there are amazing men out there who will be all the things and also want me as I am … I just wish they would show up faster.
But if they’re gonna show up, what I can now see clear as day which I just couldn’t see before, and which is HILARIOUS considering I fully know and live by this and also PREACH it, in business, every damn day, is that I DO NEED TO SHOW ALL OF ME.
Not just what I think is cool or hot or sexy and will therefore get male attention. I mean, really – as I write this I can see how offensive that mindset would be to a true high-value man, to even think that that’s what will grab him!!
But where it came from of course is my own shit. My own shit which still lingers around not being good enough … cool enough … worthy.
In business I have long ago re-framed and SHRED those beliefs, because I learned that if you don’t show all of you then you obviously attract the wrong people! And your true peeps won’t even see you. So obvious once you actually see it, isn’t it?!
But so scary at first to live into.
I can tell you that if I wasn’t ALL of me in business I simply would not have this incredible soulmate-only community, nevermind the ease and flow with which I’m able to generate multiple 7-figures per year AND do my full purpose work in the world!
In theory I already ‘knew’ this would also apply when it came to men, but sometimes it takes a few lessons before you actually GET what you know. Part of that getting it is, for me at least, realising that you need to show all of you upfront. It’s NOT about hooking people in with glitz and glamour and your so-called
‘coolest’ bits as firstly those bits are probably based on your own insecurities and where you think you need to over-compensate, and secondly – the only thing that will truly attract in your soul peeps is you being all of you. From the get go! The good, the bad, the crazy, the messy, the ugly, the random – all of it!
I know all my love coach babes on my feed will be chomping at the bit right now to offer sage advice around this stuff, but that’s not what this post is about.
If I want advice I’ll ask for it 🙂
I guess what I came here to say and share is simple:
1) Where are you over-compensating and playing up a certain part of you (in business or life) which you’ve always felt is not good enough, thinking this is who you need to be in order to be accepted and cool?
2) What would be different right now if you decided not to be afraid of showing your NOT cool factor?
3) Do you dare?
That’s all 🙂
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