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F*(k You Bulimia

bulimia

I did something interesting this morning. I (first) published this post, which is written in the present tense, and failed to mention that it’s from a journal from 8 years ago. It’s been amazing getting so many messages and emails of support this morning and it means a lot to me. I do want to clarify, however, that with professional help and a lot of mental battling, I did overcome bulimia in my mid twenties. Thankyou for your support 🙂

Warning: this post contains explicit language; which I have never before used on my blogs (and try not to use in everyday life!). I thought about changing it to something tamer, but to be honest it just changed to ‘rawness’ of how I felt when I wrote this piece. U

This is Part 3 of the series I’ve been sharing on my history with binge eating. The series is based on extracts from my journals. I’m not necessarily posting them in order! You can read Part 1 here and Part 2 here.

Fuck you bulimia.

Today I stared down the barrel of mindless emotional eating followed by purging, and for one of the very few (but slowly) increasing times I won. It feels like coming up for air after being trapped underneath water. I wanted so so badly to just give in to the relief of stuffing down mouthful after mouthful, not stopping to think about what I’m tasting or even to really chew. To skim read some sort of crappy chick lit without paying any particular attention to what I’m reading. The story doesn’t matter, I’ll read anything so long as it’s mildly engrossing and banal enough for me to tune out of having to think. About my life. Tuning out of life, really.

There’s a certain point in most days when I feel it (bulimia) coming for me. Like a little devil on my shoulder or the ‘naughty’ side of my conscience, it tempts me. Telling me that it doesn’t matter. That one more time won’t hurt. That it’s not really affecting me anyway. And reassuring me that of course I can quit tomorrow. That I’m totally in control, and that only by succumbing to it’s call can I prove that to myself.

Most of the time, I give in. And the relief? It’s instant. Exhilarating. I have my escape; nothing else matters. Stress, overwhelm, self-doubt – they can’t touch me.

And then I start to feel the fullness. The burn of too much sugar in the back of my throat. Sometimes the little cuts in the roof of my mouth start stinging; if what I’m eating is something like chips. It’s not as though I let them become pulpy before I swallow them. I don’t have time! I just have to eat more and more and more until suddenly –

The shame. The guilt. And I’m pissed off at myself for giving in again. For being so weak. For breaking so so SO many promises to myself. And for the realisation that now I just have to go through it all again; I have to start afresh at trying to quit. And I WILL do it this time, I tell myself. That really was the last time. After all, I feel disgusting. Not just physically, from the racing heart and shaky hands – a combination of the sugar and just the speed with which I’ve eaten – but mentally I feel vile.

This is good – it makes me so so certain that I’ll be able to with resist the call next time around. Why would I want to feel like this again? Why would I want to do this to myself again? I wouldn’t! And I won’t.

Until I forget, of course, which happens all too quickly. I’m trapped by this illness or weakness or whatever you want to call it, and I don’t know if I’ll ever escape.

Except today, I did. And I forged just the tiniest of bonds to a new Katrina. To choosing NOT to listen to that little voice. Choosing to eat like a normal person, even if just for today. And tomorrow I know I’ll have to deal with it all over again, but that bond I just made? It’s tiny but I think it’s strong. And I’m going to cling to it like nothing else, because ultimately I choose freedom from my fears and from the bonds that have held me so tightly up until now.

Ultimately, I choose life.

Thankyou for letting me be honest with you about my eating history. Even though it’s tough for me to do, I think it’s important to share this story as I know that so many women relate to it. And I must admit it is also liberating for me. Please note that I have overcome the battle with bulimia that I fought years ago, I now feel more comfortable sharing my story. At some point I will write about the methods and professional help I used to win the battle.

I will share more of the story when I’m ready.

Don’t forget –

Life is Now. Press Play.

Kat x

P.S.

Here’s the thing girlfriend.

Sister.

Brother.

BADASS REVOLUTIONARY FUCKING LEADER YOU.

You came here to be all of you, be all of you now.

And now?

It’s time.

👉👉 IDENTITY.

10 Days with Katrina Ruth to Wake You Back Up to You. And Unleash the Game You’re Done Waiting For.

Day 1 LIVE Asskickery shooting into your soul in just a few days time!

DAILY you + me + God + soul to follow.

This?

Is the do/not/miss time going into you that you’re soul has been hungering for and it’s time.to.FEED it!

Here’s how it’s going down:

> 10 Days ALL new live online course with Katrina Ruth

> DAILY asskickery | activation | bulletproof coffee up the booty (that’s me)

> DAILY journal prompts | worksheets | exercises to get you going and flowing into ALL of you

AND:

> (this is crazy!) DAILY bonuses to help you implement our IDENTITY work in different areas of your business. Money. Body. Relationships. Life! Application of what we are working on out the wazoo!

> All trainings recorded and yours to keep for life in your Katrina Ruth Members Dashboard (training times will be announced day by day as we begin. Day 1 live asskickery at XXXX. Training times will vary day to day to account for students all around the world!

> Live Facebook Group with Kat and the #KatNinjas throughout

> IMMEDIATE and then DAILY and then FOREVER AFTER switch flickin’ into YOU as soon as you say yes! (That is just how this works).

What to expect, from this time together?

Every.single.thing. you’ve always known was there within.

> Certainty. Of soul, of God, of what flow requires, of, well, everything.
> Ability to always know the right decision to make, and how to make it. NO MATTER WHAT.
> Courage and abilily and inner strength to then ACT as you need to
> Ability and soul certainty walk away. Know what to walk away from. Shred and burn. Immediately and as required. Amen.
> ALWAYS ability to access flow. Message certainty. Soul guidance on what you create, unleash, how, to whom.
> Magnetism. Activated. From within. To and from your soul peeps. In all areas.
> Money certainty, where it comes from, how to inhale / exhale it, infinitely, PEACE on this.
> Peace. In general. Where it comes from. How to be IN it. How to return to it when it seems far away.
> Moving through the ‘woods’ of business, of life, of you. Recognising it. Being okay with it!
> Leaning in. Surrender. The things that go with this. How to let it be easy, happy, a joy!
> JOY. From God. From within. All THROUGH you. AS IT WAS ALWAYS MEANT TO BE.
> Forgiveness, and grace. Where you know it comes from. How to receive it fully.
> RECEIVING. Unlocking the portals to. Opening up the floodgates. Seeing where you dial it back. Stopping that shit!
> Turning up the dial in all areas. What it means, and how.
> BEING the mofo light. Being all of it. Owning your too muchness! SWAYING with it.
> Being in the dance with God and soul and life and ALWAYS knowing your next move. ALL of that. And so much more.
> Creating. Being the artist the messenger the performer the leader the shift the YOU, who just lets it flood out. Knowing what works. Does not. How to release. Go deeper. And also? Sell TF outta that game.
> Being the leader NOW. Appointing yourself. What it means and why you’re already pre-approved.
> BIRTHRIGHT. Accessing and owning your soul blueprint. The blueprint of YOU. Of purpose. And destiny. And truth. Let’s go!

You want more?

There’s so much more.

^^ This? Is the warm-up, the first bit of what dropped through to me when I felt in to this, allowed it to come through, for you.

We will see what unfolds,
when it unfolds,
when we enter this dance,
together!

But what this is really about, and why you know you need to be here?

You’re done with playing the game of waiting to play the damn game.

Identity, baby.

IT’S TIME.

https://thekatrinaruthshow.com/identity

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