I launched my Dream Life Academy Bootcamp. And then I cried.

Have you ever wanted something so badly that you’ve done everything in your power to NOT make it happen? You wouldn’t really see it that way of course, or at least not until you’re on the other side looking back and you realise that it wasn’t being busy, or not knowing where to start that held you back, and even though it played a part it wasn’t really fear or self-doubt either.

It was simply that it mattered SO much, would transform your life and your very essence so much that you knew that if you did begin? You were going to have to end. You were going to have to birth the damn thing and it was going to be bloody and gory and painful and you didn’t know, you just didn’t know if you could handle that. Even though you so very badly wanted the outcome.

On Monday I launched my Dream Life Academy Bootcamp. This program, this calling, has been burning on my consciousness for over 3 years, perhaps really for my entire adulthood. I’ve wanted so badly to step into my true mission as a success and dream life creation leader. To rise up and take ownership of the fact that I am here to help women – you – live your dream life. Your BEST life. A life in which you are absolutely on purpose, alive with passion, caught up in incredible joy and flow. A life where your ‘one day’ hopes and dreams and fantasies become your everyday reality, a life in which you press play and go for it. For ALL of it.

I’ve known this is what I’m meant to do. I’ve always believed my destination is one of leadership to thousands of women, as an author, speaker and coach.

I’ve known it and yet for so long I’ve managed to evade it. I’ve created just about everything else in my business BUT that. I started working on the sales page for it over a year ago. Let it sit for 6 months. Came back to it, told myself no. I couldn’t face it. I couldn’t handle what it would mean to truly give myself over to it.

But eventually, it was time.

Eventually, I couldn’t run any further.

Eventually, I’d done everything else I thought would be good enough instead, and still it wasn’t.

I’d made great money, created great programs that changed people’s lives, made a name for myself, hit just about every other goal in my personal life and business. Seeking constantly to fill the void that I knew could only be filled by stepping into my destiny.

None of it was enough.

None of it filled me and nor did it fuel me.

Instead, what made me come alive was the occasional ‘off the cuff’ blog post on dream life creation. I should have paid attention to this sooner, and I did … sort of. But not enough to make it mean that it was time to take action.

Until, I did.

2014 began, and I knew it was time. No more running. No more trying to fill the void. No more trying to be what I thought I had to be first.

I spent close to 100 hours crafting my message. Getting ready to bring this program into the world. 75 revisions. I’ve never cared about something so much before in my life. Eventually there was nothing left to change. And I pressed publish.

The next day (Monday) I went live.

And then I cried.

The entire morning I felt shaky, disorientated, even scared. We drove to the gym and Enzo kept asking me what was wrong. I felt like I couldn’t even lift my head up properly. I felt like I might fold into a puff of smoke.

I cried as I did tricep dips on the bars.

I cried as I walked through the gym between sets.

I cried in the sauna.

I cried on the way home.

My creation was live and it hurt just as much as I thought it would. I don’t know why. I can’t even say how it hurt. But it was also the most amazing release I’ve ever experienced. It meant so much to me that it impacted every part of me. Emotionally I felt bruised, tender, ridiculously sensitive. Physically I felt shaky, unable to think or feel or process anything. I wanted to celebrate, to mark the occasion, but I couldn’t think of anything appropriate.

How do you celebrate finally doing the #1 thing you are meant to do in your life?

I felt almost as though now that this was out there, nothing else mattered at all. I felt as though my mission on earth was complete. I felt as though this demon that’s been inside me for as long as I can remember, telling me I’m still not enough, still not doing enough, was for the first time in my life quiet. Silenced.

I shared my odd (I thought) reaction with my mastermind group and their response was ‘of course’. And ‘totally normal’. And I thought –

Why have I never felt this before?

I thought that everything I was doing, everything I was trying to be was enough. I’ve loved what I’ve done. It’s mattered. It’s helped. It’s been an incredible journey.

And yet none of it has been what I was meant to be doing, and therein lies the release. The breakdown. The breakthrough.

And I realised. I don’t have to celebrate by doing anything particular, buying myself a gift. (Although I might do that anyway; I’d love a beautiful new pen!). I’m going to celebrate, quite simply, by continuing to dedicate myself to this cause. To this calling. To give my all, every day and over and over again, to helping women to get clear on what they want out of life and then to live it.

I’m going to celebrate by helping others find the thing within them that needs to be released into the world, so that they too can break down at the incredible wonder and joy that comes from living life the way it was designed to be.

I’m going to celebrate by trying to never again tell myself I can’t, or this other thing must come first, or that it might not work.

I’m going to celebrate by letting my light shine the way it’s meant to.

I’m going to celebrate by being honest, open, vulnerable.

I’m going to celebrate by giving my all to this program, and to the women in it.

I’m going to celebrate by continuing to do what I’ve done to get here, however long it may have taken.

Which is, of course, by remembering, always –