METAMORPHOSIS: How I Went From Shy AF to, Well…This
I was always the shy one growing up.
Introverted as fuck, kinda gangly, total ‘baby deer learning to walk’ sort of situation going on until I was at LEAST 16 or 17 years old. Man, I was SO uncool it almost begs belief.
Not only did I always have the ‘wrong’ clothes, school lunch, mannerisms, and was 100% of the time picked last or second to last for team sports, I was SO shy that for a good chunk of my primary school years I’d spend the play break in a little tunnelled out section of bushes on the side of the quadrangle. Hidden with a book. It’s not that far from who I am now, ACTUALLY, as if I’m not jumping around on camera and showing up AS the leader you know me to be I’m mostly STILL hidden somewhere with a book, or else, perhaps, writing another one 
I look sometimes now – when I have a moment to pause and draw breath – at what I’ve created and who I’ve become and how I dare say most people see me, and I have to shake my head at the wonder that is this life.
I can say with CERTAINTY that 99.99% of people who knew me when I was a kid would be shocked at the way I play and show up on social media now, masquerading – apparently!! – as an extrovert, as one who is sure of herself, as one who knows her place in the world and CLAIMS it.
Of course it’s not a mask, not really, is it? I MADE myself into this online star, leader, entertainer. Meaning – I allowed what was inside, always, to come out. I quit letting my bullshit be bigger than my dreams, and made a conscious choice to step into the version of me who WAS all the things I now show up as being.
But here is what you have to understand about that. About me becoming THIS person, and about you stepping into what’s waiting inside of YOU.
It is a CONTINUAL process of turning up the dial.
It is CONSTANT growth.
It is REPEATED stepping forward INTO the discomfort, or space, of something new, when you want to shy away.
As I pushed my body up the Miami beach stairs this morning, one of my favourite outdoor workouts, Miami Gold Coast btw, not Florida, it occurred to me how what I was doing was so similar to what I have learned to do in business, and life.
I had decided I’d sprint the stairs 10x.
The first run up was fine …
The second and third I was totally ‘fuck this shit’, I’m stopping after 3.
I then decided I could make it to 5 …
By the 6th and 7th I started to notice how much my body wanted to PAUSE, or even PRETEND to stumble so I could have a small ease off of the push and the burn …
By the 8th I was kind of LOVING it …
And by the 9th and 10th lap not only was I going FULL FUCKING PELT, but I felt like the Queen of the world, and SO damn proud of myself!
As I sit here now at the cafe most of my entrepreneur friends and I hang at through the week, panda mascara eyes on point and my body still tingling from the session, I can’t help but think of all the times on this journey I’ve wanted to stop long before I said I would, or take pause when I didn’t need to. I can’t help but think of all bizarrely NATURAL it is to back away when things start to burn, to ease off when it gets scary, or to just not really even get started at all when it doesn’t right away feel like flow and fun.
When I do cardio sprints, which I do a few times a week, I frequently notice that it will take me even up to about the 18 minute mark of work time to really start to be IN it!! Similar to today, the first few sprints or minutes I am SO not into. Every cell is grumbling and stamping its foot and its just not FUN. Usually by about a quarter of the way in I start to accept that maybe I can handle continuing on. By just over halfway I tend to feel a FLICKER of flow, and also start to pay attention to ways where I can act more as who I WANT to be, rather than pull away from the discomfort. Lean INTO that shit!! And by the 70% or so mark I’m on fucking fire and never want to stop.
And it makes me wonder –
How many times, DESPITE this, and despite how conscious I AM of this shit, HAVE I still backed away from growth? Allowed myself to believe I need to pause … slow down … stop short … or not even begin at all?
How many times I have allowed the emotion of the NOW to rule me, rather than seeing the vision of what I am choosing and boldly squaring my shoulders, gritting my teeth and being THAT person, ‘whether or not I feel like it?’.
Take today –
My videographer is about to arrive to shadow me around for NO FUCKING REASON. Usually when I get my video crew in there is specifically something cool going down. I act into it. I’m ready for it! Other people are typically involved. There is a PLAN.
But, the next level me is continual (well, frequent!) documentation of me doing what I do, and next level content as a result of that. This is 100% what the FUTURE me knows to be aligned. But the now me? She’s kinda fucking pissed that she has to come out from hiding in the bushes and let the world see more of her. She feels worried about how this can possibly result in interesting content. It feels UNCOMFORTABLE and slightly pointless.
The now me wants to cancel, back off, or at least, pause.
The me I’m becoming is telling her to shut the fuck up and sit down, act FROM the vision.
Tonight, a similar thing. I’m launching a new show, ‘The Truth About Men and Women and Sex’ with my friends Matt and Steve. Our banner hasn’t arrived yet, so I want to put it off. And maybe I wanna put it off anyway ’cause what ARE we going to really talk about? Maybe this is stupid … who do I think I am … people will think I’m silly … or maybe I just don’t FEEL like it!
Once again, the answer is clear:
Sit the fuck down.
Shut up.
Step INTO the vision.
Make fucking SPACE for what you see inside of you; it won’t happen if you don’t make space for it!
And just like running the stairs, I grit my teeth, or take a breath, or stand up straighter, and I tell myself –
Just one more step.
Just one more lap.
Just start.
Stop THINKING.
Last night when I posted a silly little skit on Instagram stories, I wanted to delete it as soon as it was done. That was lame as FUCK, I muttered to myself as I went to bed.
Take it down! – my fearful mind shrieked.
Shut the fuck up –
Said the mentor inside of me who knows that in STARTING, I make space for EVERYTHING.
Here is the truth:
You don’t get to flow, to being a master, to OWNING it, without going through the awkward, the clumsy, the gangly, the OMFG I look like an IDIOT.
You don’t get to where everybody is staring in awe as you RACE UP THE STAIRS OF LIFE LIKE A FUCKING GAZELLE, barely drawing breath, CHARGING and on FIRE, without first pushing through the pain, the discomfort, the get me the fuck OUT of here.
I don’t know if people I grew up with ever see what I’ve become now … and of course THAT is not really what matters!! But I’d be curious to know. I do think it’s kind of funny, and totally the unexpected, because it’s SUCH a leap from who I always was.
But then at the same time, I remember –
I expected it the whole fucking time.
And all I did to get here was lean into it –
Just one step.
Then another.
Keep going.
Learn to go faster.
Push INTO the pain.
And eventually?
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