SEDUCED BY IMPRESSIVE, DEVOID OF SOUL

When I question myself, wander away from who I am and what the deepest part of me knows to be true, the path I most often seem to travel is the one of chasing impressive.

Impressive.

Proper.

Right.

Grown-up.

SOMETHING TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY.

Have you ever noticed how, whenever you deviate from you, the thing that ‘gets’ you, hooks you with its talons and convinces you that you really really truly, no really, should be doing ‘such and such’, is the thing you have the greatest insecurity about?

Maybe your deep fear is not being professional …

Maybe it’s not being respected … liked …

Maybe it’s being ‘cast out’, not like the others, not accepted … (if you’re a self-proclaimed rebel, it may or may not astonish you to know that this is one of the MOST common traits of being ‘one of us’!)

Maybe your fear is not being a ‘proper woman’, ‘proper man’, ‘proper human’, ‘proper entrepreneur’, ‘proper Mum’, etc.

For me mine has to do with not being taken seriously. You could wrap that up in a pretty gold box with not being proper, not being grown-up, not being like the others, not fundamentally being enough, tie a bow around it all and call this particular piece of art ‘May Not Be Worthy to Exist’, and you’d have a pretty great representation of Things Which Sway Katrina Ruth Off Path.

Never mind me though, let’s talk about your insecurities; the things that halt your journey deeper into YOU. Fun!

Or,

I can continue my rambles about ME and you’ll take what you need for THEE.

And here is what I think.

I chase impressive when I forget that trust is a choice.

I chase impressive when I am seduced by an idea of ‘if I do or be such and such, then such and such person or entity will approve me’. Such and such person or entity generally being some one / some group of ones who I have appointed as, you guessed it – !

Proper, and right, and to be taken seriously.

So therefore their approval will obviously make ME so! Is how my curious thinking at these times goes.

The one thing these people or groups of people have in common is typically that they are NOT LIKE ME. On a core level, I mean. They are people or entities who love structure. Systems. And working to a plan.

Me, I love HAVING systems and structure in place. I do NOT love creating ’em, or working to a plan, or indeed doing anything aside from making it up as I go. Following the art and the flow. Yet, my 8-figure ‘built from random’ company has plenty of structure and systems! How so??

The systems, discipline, structure, ALWAYS came FROM the art. You look back, through the mess and the yes and the flinging against wall, and you realise, aha – ! Look at that over there. I GUESS THAT’S HOW I DO THINGS. So you roll with it for a little bit. Or a lot. Or until it no longer inspires you.

And that’s the thing. INSPIRATION. In-spire. To breath in. Expand. When you IN-SPIRE, what happens? You expand. You become MORE of you.

When I chase impressive, it is devoid of soul. I feel … impressed. Awed, maybe. Fascinated, perhaps. In admiration of the clear work and effort and attention and also yes creation. But IN-SPIRED, expanded, made more of me?

No.

The truth is I feel EX-PIRED. Contracted. Heavied. Less of me.

But when I am in questioning mode … wondering if trust IS in fact the vibe here, if I can trust myself to trust myself, if I am ‘in resistance’ or ‘sabotage’, and therefore SHOULD go against my natural instinct, because hey – ! What got me here won’t get me there – !

I am drawn to impressive. To serious. To proper. To organised. Etc.

How about you? What DRAWS you and appears to speak to you and guide and even save you when you are letting fear or ‘what if I never’ be the magnet?

It’s so easy to tell yourself that ‘such and such’ MUST for you, or you wouldn’t be drawn to it, thinking about it, telling yourself you must knuckle down and get to it.

But if fear is the magnet …

how can this POSSIBLY make sense?!

And,

what would you be drawn to if trust were the magnet?

What would IN-SPIRE you?

FILL you with air?

Frankly:

if it’s ex-piring you breath by breath there should be no mofo conversation around whether it is maybe-for-you-after-all-and-you-just-gotta-push-through.

What’chu pushing through against, refusal to be you?

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