ON RETURNING TO GOD, CHOOSING WHAT TO TRUST IN AND BE LED BY, AND THE PECULIAR BOREDOM OF HAVING IT ALL
Sometimes I feel like I don’t really know what I want to do, what the next step is for me to break through with, who I want to become, or where I want to go.
It’s all just so damn REPETITIVE.
But then again – the things I repeat are the exact things I most want to do, and have my life be about.
Whenever I give myself permission NOT to do them, I end up flailing, lost, and feeling kind of gross; wishing I’d just stuck with my normal routine. Kind of like when you give yourself permission to have a day on the couch not washing and just eating ALLLLL the crap, while staying inside in the dark feeding your mind with mindless trash –
Sure. Sounds like a great idea at the time, but afterwards, ugh – not so much.
Of course it’s not as though the only other option if I don’t do my normal do each day – aka my soul and flow work – is to sit around at the opposite extreme feeding trash into my every orifice, physical and otherwise. But then again, anything fun, adventurous, nature-filled, exciting, luxurious, soul-rejuvenating that I could do instead of my normal do is pretty much already precisely what I DO do as part of my regular everyday life!
Ahhh, the peculiar and not-so-easy-to-sympathise-
Unleashing the true work of your soul,
Surrounded with only the most badass peeps,
And in exactly wherever the fuck you most desire to be that day!
Time and space and money and abundance in all things and support all infinite!
I can already see how this blog is going to be super fucking effective at isolating nearly everybody. Haha. But those who feel me? Those who, like me, have done the damn thing of BECOMING the damn thing who has her version of EVERYTHING, or pretty much so, and yet is STILL SOMEHOW SEEKING?
You feel me.
I KNOW you feel me.
A year ago I could have said that what was missing was God, and it was true. I was run run running from God for the very most part of my adult life. Never ‘anti’ God or church or any of it. Certainly still considering myself Christian. But actively seeking God, daily? Nah … not so much. I’d got myself all caught in a story that God required PERFECTION and all-day err-day repentance or else you’d be CAST OUT INTO THE BOWELS OF HELL.
I forgot that I’d ever learned the grace bit. Maybe I didn’t ever learn it?! Certainly I must have HEARD it, being as how I was born into the church and raised there my entire life, my Grandfather and Uncle both preachers, my parents Deacons, my whole upbringing absolutely CHRISTIAN.
But, it never felt as though it ‘took’, for me. I felt like I was doing it wrong. I would go to the front of the church again and again and again, and I just didn’t FEEL what I thought I was meant to. As I grew older, in my teens, my friends certainly all seemed to be feeling it, and I found myself gradually pulling away, assigning myself the role of not belonging, not doing it right, not being like the others.
And eventually feeling like I had to give up because I couldn’t keep up, and besides – I just kept sinning! Clearly I wasn’t cut out for this stuff.
But I always knew I’d return.
I’ve always known that the prophecies of my childhood would come to pass.
And that I would ultimately become a leader, with a platform, asking God to use her.
Funny how things always work out precisely how we always knew they would.
How did I return to God? I was watching my children jump on the trampoline. My daughter was asking about R.E. at school. Complaining about it, really. “Why do I have to go; why can’t I do Values?”. Values is what the non-R.E. kids do.
“Values!”, I said. “I don’t like the sound of that! Who knows WHAT they are teaching. Probably to be open-minded about every damn thing! Probably insidiously anti-God”. (not sure if I used the word ‘insidious’ to my 9-year old. I may have.)
“Why does God even MATTER though?”, she said.
And in that moment, I tell you, I felt the very breath leave my body and I damn near fell to my knees in shock.
How had I NEVER BEFORE REALISED that, while I at least was afforded a thorough education into Christianity and could, as an adult, make a conscious choice as to whether or not to live it, I wasn’t even giving my children that CHOICE. They literally didn’t even know the BASICS. Sure, they’d been at Sunday School a couple of times, but a foundation of learning about God, His love, His purpose, all the stuff I took for granted and, at my core, definitely always believed?
Not even close.
That was it, the switch was flicked right then and there, and we haven’t skipped a week of church since, but I don’t mean we simply started attending a building filled with religious people on a Sunday –
I went seeking GOD. To know and understand and be held by Him in a way I’d never I suppose been ready for or certainly never allowed before.
That wasn’t so long ago, and I am still very much learning, week by week, not just through church, but through weekly home life group attendance (you’d be shocked, SHOCKED at how open / hilarious / probably not PC the discussion is there … Christian people are cool y’all, you heard it here!!), now also attending the Alpha course (new Christian’s course … I thought I wouldn’t learn too much here given I was in church before Alpha was invented, but boy was I wrong!), planning to attend Bible School in some form next year, and of course through a DAILY seeking of God, and bit by bit education and conversation around Him in my home. The learning, as in all things, will never end.
But as far as the whole anxiety of something MISSING in my life, the continual feeling I tried to pretend I didn’t carry of feeling just EVER so slightly choked by fear and terrified by death, the KNOWING that as much as I yabbered on all day long on the Internet about alignment I WASN’T ON PATH, I gotta tell you –
All of that disappeared the very first Sunday I was back in His presence. Still wondering if this time it would take, if I could do it right, if I was good enough for God.
Since then I have learned, just on a not-so-side-note, that it is not possible to not be good enough for God, and that, as with all things, the feeling follows the discipline of simply BEING the person who you know you’re meant to be, whether or not you feel it. There’s a reason faith, unshakeable faith, is often built on a foundation of blind trust. Faith by definition is trusting in something you can’t feel or don’t have proof of, but yet you just KNOW, at your core, that you can’t say no to this.
I could no longer say no.
And as for the proof bit, well, I don’t need it, but fascinatingly, I have learned some pretty damn solid proof and evidence and yes even SCIENCE-backed stuff on Christianity, the Bible, prayer, and so on, through Alpha. Did you know science was FOUNDED in Christianity, that the original scientists such as Galileo were all Christians? Did you know that there is literally HUNDREDS of times more proof of the historical accuracy fo the Bible in its current state than what there is of ANY other currently accepted-as-accurate historical literacy?
Many people like to say they still can’t trust in God because of concerns of the Bible being accurate, or because of this or that or the other thing, well in the end, you can find the proof if you need it, but also – THAT’S NOT WHAT FAITH IS.
And truly, I can’t stress this enough – when you start to seek God, and understand what having Him on your side actually means, and how a lot of what you MAY have been taught about God, or Christianity, or Church, was PEOPLE-led and not God-led, you may (as I have been) find yourself SHOCKED at how much better / easier / yes life is, and how damn hard you were making it!! You’re going to have to stop (only) asking and start seeking though, start trusting, bit by bit maybe but still, at some point …
Where were we?!
This was supposed to be a blog about what is missing in the day to day awesomeness of me having achieved near to all of my ‘dream biz and life’ goals, and now being bored with the repetitive perfection of it all.
(Well, a lot of people have been asking me more about the God stuff, so I guess here it is!)
Anyway, the repetitive life stuff –
Maybe right now you’ve not even close to actually achieved everything you wanna (and nor am I, really; are we ever?!) and yet you still find yourself bored with the repetitive blahness of it all.
I don’t know if I have the answer.
I do know I sat down to journal on said answer for my own purposes, and somehow ended up writing this post instead, so, back to my usual inner work – coffee – blog routine, and now, as a result of falling into said routine, am already feeling better then when I started, purpose once more finding me.
But at the same time –
There is nothing wrong or bad with wanting to shake things up. With consciously feeling into that, as opposed to doing what many of us do before we begin to understand ourselves a little, which is to sabotage shit so that it blows up and then we have variety, challenge, spiciness.
Well – what if your every day life could naturally include variety, challenge, spiciness, uncertainty, CHAOS, the expansive and soul-enriching kind, and you didn’t even have to go looking for it, trying to figure out how, or ‘make it happen’.
And what if it was as simple as this:
“God, use me for your will today”.
And then you let go, surrender, allow yourself to be led moment by moment, nudged from within, from Him, and you TRUST.
What if you inherently just trusted –
That all your needs and desires were taken care of,
And that your only job was to let yourself be guided down the rabbit hole without continually trying to figure out the whole damn thing in advance, or try to know more than what He knows, what you actually need.
Life is just a big game of trust, and follow the damn flow.
The question is – who and what have you chosen to put your trust in,
and what is the flow which is leading you?
Maybe living the dream was never so much about getting all the markers and milestones of such checked off, saying “look, look at what I did and got and became!”, and instead maybe it was about this –
Letting go of all of it and allowing your life to be an ever-changing mosaic of moments in which you dropped expectation and the continual need to HAVE or ATTAIN in order to BE,
And then did what you were fucking told.
The closer you get to purpose and truth, the more the voice of the Devil (or fear if you prefer) will try to sway you
I post this and I feel like I’m going to THROW UP. So gross. I feel instantly self-conscious, vulnerable, even ashamed! The voice tells me I am being lame.. attention seeking… acting like I’m something I’m not… who do you think you are… people don’t want to hear this… you’re just going on and on about God stuff too much now.. you don’t even know what you’re talking about anyway!
I want to delete it, run and hide, STILL throw up
I go to the gym feeling yuck. Contracted. Deflated. Heavy. Hanging my head. , and a bit fat too! Just to top it off. Ugh. It’s all too much sometimes. Am I damaging my brand? People rolling their eyes at me? Looking like an idiot? Yuck yuck yuck
I remind myself of the rules: YOU GOT WHERE YOU ARE BECAUSE YOU LET THE DAMN MESSAGE BE THE MESSAGE
And because you press publish anyway, every time, ESPECIALLY when you feel this way
Today feels like a good day for a new weight lifting max…
This is how it’s done
It’s the only way I’ve ever done it…
Remember that the voice which comes after the first voice is not the real voice.
Don’t forget –
Life is Now. Press Play.
I want to help you, for 30 days, and in actual fact beyond, but let’s start there, sure –
go beyond the place you first had to get to, in order to be there.
You’ve always known there would be a time like this.
You’ve always known it would COME to this.
I’m talking about that it was always clear the time would come when you no longer could AFFORD to listen to your own bullshit about not being there,
and you had to just flick the damn switch and GO there.
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TIME TO TRANSCEND –
Transcend the noise.
Transcend the uncertainty.
Transcend the ramblings and shriekings of your fear mind.
Transcend the not being there yet, the not good enough yet, the don’t know who or what or how your next level is yet.
To transcend the waiting.
Transcend the wishing.
Transcend the ‘one daying’.
And most of all?
Transcend the idea that there is a single fucking thing you need to do right now before your are allowed to ALREADY BE THE DAMN PERSON. Your soul already told you long ago that you’ve got this … now we gonna BACK it.
Time to get your damn stability, yeah?