The Madness Within
Sometimes I wonder if I shouldn’t do something to try and, I don’t know, be more NORMAL.
Don’t you ever find it’s just exhausting being this person?
Take the other night. Husband out at a game. Kids asleep. Saturday night. Relax time, right? Except:
Crazy mind. Doesn’t want to stop. Ideas going mad in my head. Can’t sleep! Do I get up, turn the computer (back!) on, let the mayhem begin once more, never knowing where it’s going to go, what it’s for, what the point is? Yes, I totally and possibly arrogantly believe in my own ability to change the world, I believe that many of my ideas could actually be ‘million dollar ideas’ but the PROBLEM here is they never.
And sometimes I wonder if I have some kind of internal ‘sabotage’ button that says keep pushing keep pushing DESTROY HER WITH CREATIVITY never let her brain stop no rest not now not ever until she just DIIIIEESSSSSS!
Except of course mostly it’s great, being so creative, so in love with what I do, and the fact that I actually have a million dollar all online location-free biz based around being this manic person is pretty darn cool as well but it’s also … well.
And what goes up DOES sometimes come down and sometimes I also just find myself wondering –
What’s it all for?
WHY am I this way?
Why do I do what I do?!
Take right now. Sitting in the Virgin Lounge at Perth airport. Surrounded by exceptionally hot Aussie blokes … possibly they’re not as hot as I think but having been away from my homeland for months now I’m feeling nostalgic for all things Aussie, and they’ve got MEAT PIES AND GUYS IN FLANNELETTE SHIRTS everywhere here! It’s some kind of country Aussie hunk convention or something as there’s not a woman in site! Hmm, probably the miners going home on break or something.
Anyway … not that I notice my surrounds when I’m writing or anything 🙂
But the point being – I’m the only one here who is working.
There’s free drinks.
There’s meat pies.
There’s nothing I HAVE to do right now. Well okay there’s an entire fucking list of shit I should do based on my own list, but, you know –
Not so good at following the list!
And I guess now, on a long stopover surrounded by pure testosterone (seriously, I haven’t noticed at ALL) I COULD get to work on the list, but the thing is, well the thing is –
Crazy ass mind.
Doesn’t want to stop.
And it’s not like I haven’t already created today!
I wrote my blog this morning. Couple thousand words every day, like I always do. Sometimes I equally love that I can just never stop coming up with (I think) powerful stuff and other times I wonder WHEN WILL THE GOD DAMN WELL RUN OUT! Please just give me some respite from this burning NEED within me!
Then on the 3 hour flight from Bali to here, out I somehow came with a 6000 word sales page! Wasn’t planning to write a sales page. Didn’t even have a fucking offer in mind! Where the hell did THAT come from? I mean yeah I am FREAKING excited about it (it’s awesome) and I KNOW what I wrote was powerful but SERIOUSLY –
WHO DOES THAT!
(Well, pretty much all of my true #tribe, but anyway this is about ME!)
And you know …
Being THIS level of creator.
This level of NEVER EVER EVER SATISFIED must have more, do more, have it all, be it all person.
It’s as though when God made me he forgot to insert the ‘rest occasionally’ software. And my mind, my mind screams at me at times to STOP, to BREATHE, to BE, but it’s honestly like I CAN’T and when I do I don’t enjoy it, can’t get into it and I just think, well really –
What else would I do right now?!
Why would I spend my time reading magazines or something? Why would I do that?! Why would I spend my evenings at home watching TV? Why would I do that? It makes no sense!
Creators gotta create, you know?
It gets tiring.
So right now. Clearly right now I’m writing this! I’m RESISTING. I’m resisting that despite the fact that after I got off that 3 hour flight during which I wrote my new offer I then put together an 18k new book (note did not just write 18k in the past one hour, haven’t reached that level of awesome yet!! I collated it), finished notes on covers for the EIGHT, yes EIGHT new books I’ve finished over the past few weeks that neither my book editor nor cover designer can keep up with, cleared my inbox and FB PMs, observed and laughed at the idea of working on my list, knocked back some more Shiraz, watched the Aussie boys for a while, got caught doing that, so now here I am again … and there’s still 4 hours to go on this stopover.
And my mind won’t stop.
And there’s still – I hope! – a good 40 or 50 years to go off this life.
And how much more can I honestly write? Isn’t it just at some point OBSCENE to be creating all this stuff?
AND WHAT IS THE FUCKING POINT?!
And why can’t I be like a NORMAL level creator or entrepreneur or whatever where I have one or maybe max three fucking programs then I leverage them?
AND WHEN WILL IT BE ENOUGH?!
And WHY in God’s good name WHY am I like this?!
Do you ever just want to understand yourself?!
And so I want to start on my next book, well actually I did start on it last week already, it’s more of a TOME I think, all about my laptop life travels (and by the way have started a podcast series on that as well, not launched it yet so stay tuned!) but meanwhile then felt called to try and figure out my madness, and so, well –
Here we are.
And I don’t have an answer.
And I have over 100 blog posts in my drafts folder that are unpublished because I ALREADY SEND TOO MANY EMAILS.
And I have over 70 new books drafted out that I can’t keep up with and yet am doing so but WHO THE FUCK WILL EDIT THEM ALL never mind read them?
And I have – I don’t know – 8 or 9? – new programs already mapped out mentally but WHEN ON EARTH WILL I LAUNCH THEM ALL?
And I have – at least – 150 new blog post title ideas in my email drafts folder and they’re like my unborn babies that need to come to life but yet every day I have at least 2 or 3 new posts I HAVE TO WRITE and who will get through them all but also how can I keep up with MYSELF here?!
It’s like the more I create the more I HAVE to create! It’s like sugar or something, the more you have the more you need! So I feed this fire within and it just wants MORE and I do love feeding it and I thrive on it and it’s my heart my soul my joy to get my words out but some point – please! –
Can’t it be enough?
And the truth is of course I don’t want it to be enough but also –
And the truth is of course that balance is a myth but also –
Is this what it’s like? Is this why artists are crazy mad people who cut their ears off and stuff, or become drunks or fools or worse?!
It’s as though your soul –
Once freed –
Knows no bounds –
And can never be tamed –
And can never be happy –
And can never rest –
And must wander, restlessly, eternally, endlessly –
And create magical shit.
That feeds back into itself.
And in some way also feeds others.
And it truly is NOTHING I COULD EVER GIVE UP but seriously it is fucking INSANE.
And the worst or perhaps the best part? The writing is only one area of this! I’m the same with training. EXCESS is what I love. PUSH myself until I collapse. I freaking love it! Everything is ALL.
Or it’s nothing.
And I guess I have no point here except to say –
If you are equally driven by a cannot be quenched fire within –
You are not alone –
But also –
Your fears are true.
You ARE a madman or woman.
And even if I can’t help you quench the fire (and why the heck would you want to) … I guess I can at least invite you to come be mad with me. To know there are OTHERS EQUALLY AS CONSUMED AS YOU.
And maybe –
Just maybe –
To light the world on fire, spin it on it’s toes and dance like crazy loons on top of it.
Or something 🙂
Off to write another book now I guess!
Life is Now. Press Play.
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