Surrender

I stopped to get a coffee. I parked in a clearway without realising it; went in for 15 minutes and felt oh so good about myself for getting a productive head start to my day. They towed my car, and – almost as annoyingly – my post workout protein shake and food along with it. I had places to go, people to see, meetings to attend. It wasn’t going to happen. I surrendered. I cancelled my appointments, went for a great workout, bought a Horleys protein shake (gasp!) and then slowly made my way to the compound via tram. Now I’m having coffee and writing and suddenly the day seems full of promise, just because it can be.

It must be my week, because a few days ago I was 10 minutes off (on foot) from an important personal consultation when the skies opened. People were panicking, umbrellas were being shoved into others’ eyes (mine!), tram stops were practically pyramids of people. I started running down Collins street, backpack bouncing. And then I surrendered. There’s something incredibly freeing about walking at a normal pace in the pelting rain while everyone around you sighs and grumps and rushes.

I wanted to go to a 6pm Bikram class, but my last consult went over time and then I got distracted on my laptop. I could have, normally would have, flown out the door in a tizzy and arrived feeling anxious but I surrendered. I took my time finishing my day, left the office and got in the car. The skies hadn’t shut since earlier that day and it took me 50 minutes to drive from South Melbourne to Spencer street station (about 3 kilometres). It looked like I was going to be in traffic for at least another hour to get to my house. So I surrendered.

I pulled over on Collins street and went and sat in the Fitness First sauna until 8pm, for nearly an hour. I came out calm, refreshed, half asleep and quite proud of myself for snazzily averting road rage. I got in the car and the lights were down, the rain was still pelting, police were directing traffic and Elizabeth street was closed, meaning you couldn’t get through the CBD anywhere.

I put on the classical music station (103.5FM) and surrendered.

I had to go into my office on Anzac Day to do some filming. I stopped for a coffee first in the still pelting rain, and managed to make the mistake of trying to get from the city to Sth Melb in the midst of the Anzac Day parade. It took me 50 minutes instead of 5.

I wanted to scream, sigh, roll my eyes, tense up my whole body and normally I would. I decided to surrender.

Normally, I fight. I push against whatever I consider unjust or unacceptable. I fight to live life on my terms, to lose the final few kilos, to get the exciting new project (and 6 others!) off the ground within days of conceiving of it, no matter what the cost. I fight to make sure I can have my workout time, eat my organic food, do the requisite me or down time items, keep up with an occasional social life, keep the house clean, and the lists ticked off in full.

Yesterday, today, and already for tomorrow, I have deleted my entire list(s). I’m flying free. I’m going to have to figure out all by myself what is important.

I’m surrendering. I’m sitting in a great cafe near the car compound, a cafe I haven’t been to for years, having a brilliant long macchiato. I’m going to go to yoga and then work on whatever I then decide is important, or perhaps nothing. Tomorrow, we’ll see.

I’ve surrendered.

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