I was thinking, this morning, it’s a thing I like to do from time to time, of what it is I REALLY want to do.
It wasn’t changed in years, actually, and perhaps not ever.
I used to tell mentors (many of whom at the time helpfully guided me in the end DEEPER to spirit by telling me my desires were not gonna work, didn’t make sense, were not ‘enough’), that ALL I wanted to do?
Was write, and speak, and inspire and educate and motivate and empower people to live according to their values, know their dreams were real, press play, and be who they came here to be! Specifically? Badass 1% within the 1% within the 1% types.
I must have written this sort of sentence, or earlier or later versions of it, hundreds of times. Nearly daily I would write it out in my journal.
It felt like a yearning.
A longing.
A pull.
An ‘if I don’t do this I will DIE’ sort of thing, although I didn’t allow myself to acknowledge its import at the time.
I didn’t realise that what FELT like EVERYTHING to me, was in fact –
And enough.
I believed that what was coming through me wasn’t tangible enough, result-based enough, fascinating enough, stand out-ish enough, JUST enough.
You know?
And so I spent years trying to look for exactly what I needed to add, improve on, figure out, in order to BE enough to present myself and my wares to the world.
Have you ever felt that way?
If not, then get TF outta here you weird ass robot person. Or, stand up and teach. Haha.
Anyway, I DEFINITELY felt this way. And, I bought in to anybody else VALIDATING me feeling that way. Which is to say, I effectively called people in to reflect my own insecurities back to me.
It’s a fabulous way of eventually getting to breaking point, losing your mind, tearing it all UP, and then going all in on BEING YOU NO MATTER WHAT.
I recommend it highly. 5 star! Haha.
And so yes, eventually though, I did.
I let go of EVERYTHING I thought I needed to add, or figure out, or ‘make better’, or fancy up, and I just.started.doing.me.
Letting out what was in me, no matter how rambly or nonsensical or inappropriate it was.
And, bit by bit, but NOT because I worked TOWARDS, rather, because I threw my hands up and said ‘screw it’, and just started to let what was in me out, educating, empowering, bringing back to spirit, and all-round kickin’ the ass of the 1% within the 1% within the 1%.
The way it was always meant to be.
The thing is,
It didn’t happen as a result of me working towards it happening.
It didn’t happen because I made a plan, had the plan approved by anybody or even my own self, and then followed the plan.
It didn’t happen because I rolled out a strategy.
It didn’t happen because I followed how tos on sales and marketing, even ones I more aligned with.
All of THAT stuff happened as a SIDE effect, in the end, of me.just.being.me.
Except for the outcome of FINALLY knowing, that when I would lay my head down that night, I would be able to hand on my heart say I DID THE JOB OF BEING ME.
Do you feel that way?
Honestly, now.
Do you hand on your heart KNOW, when you go to bed at night, that you did what you came here to do, let what was in you out, did your spirit work, your art, or simply your random and often seemingly stark raving mad messiness of being YOU,
regardless of whether or not it ‘got’ you anything?
Just a little.”
Which is it.
There’s no in between here. It’s black or white, yes or no, Christian or non-Christian, pregnant or not. Certain things are EITHER OR and you can’t sorta maybe kinda it.
So quit trying.
The thing you’ll have to understand, if you’re going to get to LIVE like this though, this version of you who is being who they were brought to this world to be, is you HAVE to hand over your outcomes.
Be willing to do it, as I taught a few days ago in one of my courses, for the love of NOTHING.
What would you do if it were all for … nothing?!
If it were just because you can’t NOT.
I’ll be willing to wager you’d need to right now delete delete delete most EVERYTHING, or at the very least the WAY you are doing certain things, as even the most aligned and dropped in and OH so spiritually wise amongst us do tend to err on the side of being human AF now and again, and there is nothing wrong with THAT,
but there’s certainly some discernment to be had, and always, a deeper remembrance of YOU to drop in to.
The work will never be done! So stop trying to complete it!
And while you’re at it, stop trying to make your art, your purpose work, your spirit, the blood pumping in your veins, the very beat of your HEART,
dance like a shiny pretty monkey puppet on strings.
A penny here, a penny there, PRODUCE for me!
No no.
That’s not why we do what we do.
When we do what we do.
But here is what else –
You ABSOLUTELY can build your business, and indeed your life, such that you get to receive and allow through the OUTCOMES you want,
money, acclaim, recognition, being of service, impact, a hot ass and the everything else of your dreams while you’re at it – !
It’s not either / or on THIS.
And there’s no profundity in choosing to not have.
Choose it, don’t choose it, whatever. It IS whatever though.
Know that.
As obviously everything your spirit ACTUALLY craves, needs, breathes for, comes from in and through you. The End.
If you ARE gonna choose it though, then understand that it is simply that. A CHOICE. It’s not ‘make my spirit work perform for me’. Make it pay me. Etc. It is CHOOSE the outcome of BEING (highly) paid, plus whatever else you want to choose.
Tether that in. Decide it. Order placed!
For me?
Write the things, say the things, unleash the things.
However they come out!
And bit by bit, along that journey, notice where I like to direct those things. A course here, a class there, a certification perhaps over yonder.
I can form whatever I like with this clay, and then I can smash it down and form the next thing. It doesn’t matter.
What does matter is that I continue to produce the clay in the first place.
And then?
Do whatever TF I feel with it day by day. Knowing and
TRUSTING that my every need and also my every choice will, if it’s God will which it certainly often seems to be, show up for me, money + fancy things + fun and fine life + love + all of it, as a FOLLOW on to this. And, because I asked, expected, surrendered, yes all of that.
But may God Himself strike me down if I sit down and attempt to fill a mold in order to fill a mold and produce a particular type of structure or piece, when that’s not where my clay wanted to go that day.
And may I once again receive the comeuppance of realising that the things I longed for when I wasn’t being me will again dance away from me when I forget to JUST be.
Do you get it?