I am triggered by the pretty polished perfect people
I am triggered by the pretty polished perfect people.
I get so insecure when I look at how damn well DONE their visuals are, their Instagram, their hair, their makeup, their apparently oh so natural and organic and flowy styling of every damn bit of what they show to the world.
I look at it, and I think WOW – that’s amazing! So beautiful! I love it! While at the same time being genuinely befuddled as all get out as to how in God’s good name they pulled that off! Even when I try really really REALLY hard I just can’t seem to pull it off! My best efforts at properly styled or matchy or grown-up womanly in that beautiful put together way that so many woman … friends … clients … randos who get under my skin just by existing like that (lol) … yeah, my best efforts still look like a 4 year-olds version of drawing a Picasso.
And yep. I HAVE tried at times, and I mean REALLY tried, energetically and emotionally and physically gone ‘all in’ to make my shiz and also my person more proper and polished and pretty. Not in a ‘I want to override who I am’ sort of way. Just in a ‘I want it to be more, well – proper and polished and pretty and just a lil more tidy’ sort of way!
Every time I tried, I eventually submitted to defeat because no matter how all in I WAS –
it just didn’t take.
(When I say submitted to defeat … fine … I mean tore shit up in a screaming ranting raving hissy fit of fucketh this shiteth. Hehe.)
I guess the truth is, there is a part of me, despite what I teach and preach, who still feels not good enough, in particular ‘not proper grown up woman’ enough, and that if I could JUST tweak or adjust or clean up this one bit I could be like the other girls.
Honestly … I spent my entire childhood wanting to just be like the other girls. It’s weird, because at the same time I actually DID love and accept myself. I loved my introverted / school square / nerd / uncool girl life, and I had a great time and also plenty of friends along the way! But the other part of me … yeah. She wanted to be a cool girl. Surprise surprise, I had more than one side to me growing up.
I am aware as I write this that people are triggered by ME, for the same stuff I am writing about! That people think that it’s ME who is that ‘impossible to achieve’ cool girl, or badass girl, or perfect girl. Omg. I nearly died and passed out the first time someone confessed to me that they were triggered by how perfect I am. I STILL nearly die and pass out every time this comes up. I actually feel OUTRAGED, in the extreme. “Objection, Your Honour! THE DEFENCE IS REACHING WILDLY.” haha.
And I want to start proving to you all the ways I’m not cool YOU are cool so THERE.
I think – if only you heard the shit my best friends hear. And also my private clients. And the man in my life. And, well, anyone close to me!
But also … seriously … wtf is perfect anyway?
I could sit here and list out 11-11vnty things about myself I consider absofuckinglutely not perfect. I could point out the ENDLESS livestreams / videos I’ve done where I am regrowth / sweaty / messy / dull skin AF or whatever, or where my stomach rolls are hanging out …
I could bring up the dozens and dozens and DOZENS of failed, flopped, fuck NO launches I’ve had over the years …
I could post all the nasty shit people have said about me, and tell you which bits made me fall apart at the time because some part of me wondered if it were true …
I could hang all my messy / embarrassing / inappropriate personal life shiz and also parenting shiz out to air …
I could talk about the years of self-abuse and also abuse from others I allowed …
The RIDICULOUSLY stupid choices I’ve made at times with money, and what a mess it really was behind the scenes for SO long …
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah!
Not to make light of any of that, because even if it’s not real for YOU, and you are one of the people who thinks I am a perfect person, it definitely was real for ME!
But the point is –
It’s all whatever.
Some people, no matter how much I myself feel flawed or messy AF or SO not ‘proper and perfect’, are going to look at me as that person who triggers them with every damn move they make,
just as I at times do that with others!
Either way:
We’re all freaking human, with all shades of emotion on the spectrum of being human!
And here is what else:
Despite everything I just said about myself, yeah – I get it.
– I am in fantastic fucking shape most of the time
– I make millions and millions of dollars each year
– I have fancy lady possessions which I sometimes flash around
– I have fancy friends and clients who do the same
– I mentor THE most badass women on the internet
– I am a single Mum who has still somehow managed to bend time and space and live a life of flow and ease
– I appear to do it all SO effortlessly (and this is true, I really have hacked that shiz!)
– I have a killer soulmate team
– I have zero part of my life in business, money, love or me where I compromise or do NOT ‘have it all’. My version of it all.
– I mosey around the internet acting like a badass warrior queen who is in charge of the whole thing, and having the audacity to have fun and ridiculous shenanigans doing it, too!
– I have fantastic skin and insist on reverse ageing
– My whole life, being, IS-ness, is about being unapologetically me, and creating everything I want!
Even the photo I am posting with this blog is one that screams ‘has her shit together and looks badass and hot AF doing it, too!’ (Yep, I did just say that about myself).
So yeah … I can see how you might roll your eyes at my sad little tale of being triggered by the perfect pretty polished people.
I get it.
While at the same time being outraged by it, for the reasons I already said.
But there’s always SO much behind the scenes that you don’t see.
And maybe don’t give AF about?
Maybe don’t wanna know about, or believe!
Take that photo, and an equally (in fact WAY more) ‘hot’ one I posted 2 days ago. I was in the worst mood EVER when those shots were taken. I was crangry AF. And I was feeling supppperrr insecure at how dried out and wrinkly my face looked in the lighting on my phone. I was also feeling chunky and gross in my clothes, so much FLOPPINESS. Sure, whatever, roll your eyes at me if you like. I feel what I feel for ME. My point about this photo is … I didn’t want to take it. I didn’t want to do the entire shoot! I always want to wriggle out of shoots, they bring up ALL my ‘not cool enough’ insecurities.
NOW LISTEN AND LISTEN GOOD:
If I had opted out of everything along my business journey where I felt:
Uncomfortable
Imperfect
Not cool or good enough
Like the other girls do it better, and with more grace
Repetitive
Boring
Insecure
Unconfident in the extreme
Like I wanted to run and hide
etc!
I WOULD NOT BE HERE AND YOU WOULD NOT KNOW WHO I AM.
If I appear to be sooooo cool / badass / confident / whatever, all the time, a) you’re not seeing all of me, and b) I FUCKING CHOSE TO SHOW UP EVERY DAMN DAY AND CREATE WHAT WAS IN ME.
Are you?
Now as for me being triggered by every woman and her dog out there that is uber ‘polished’, that’s my shit to deal with.
And actually, part of it is – I don’t even want to look like that! I love women who trigger me like this because they are owning how THEY want to show up. Not because I should be like them. So some of the time when someone triggers us … it’s because we know we should be showing up in THAT exact way … and other times, it’s just an opportunity to clear our shit and go deeper into owning who WE are.
Either way, if you’re committed to the journey of being unapologetically YOU:
You’re gonna wanna be honest with yourself about what that would look like.
You’re gonna wanna quit assuming you know ANY thing about how someone else feels or who they really are.
You’re gonna wanna stop summing people up based on a few surface things that trigger you (whatever the reason).
And you’re GONNA WANNA GO ALL IN ON BEING YOU.
The real, deeper, true you.
In the end, if I became a cool, hot, ‘perfect’, badass, rich WHATEVER –
It’s because a) I decided to, in spite of all the ‘shit’ I still had and have,
and b) it was who I always was on the inside.
Also c) WHO THE FUCK DEFINES COOL / BADASS / PERFECT ANYWAY?
You do.
And then SHOW IT TO THE WORLD.
Just don’t be surprised if it makes a few people along the way wanna punch you or hide from you. If your job is to wake people TF up sometimes they gonna be cranky as a tired 6 year old about it when you do.
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