IGNORING THE ABSENCE OF DESIRE
Before I understood about life, or after I understood about some parts of life but not yet others, or when I was right in the mofo vortex of LEARNING about life, or maybe it was a million years ago, but probably just yesterday,
something happened.
I gave up parts of me, not quite the core of me, but still a decent chunk of me, to someone who was never going to be my person,
Not in a million years,
Not even if I squeezed my eyes ever so tight and ignored EVERY OBVIOUS AS FUCK REASON why this was literally the biggest mis-match in the history of time, but yet also (and such is life, no?) so perfect in so many ways and indeed, no matter which way I want to play or twist it, exactly and precisely and only what I had called in.
It’s funny. Don’t you think? How obvious these things are in retrospect. And we wonder –
How on EARTH did I not see that? Why did I overLOOK that? What crazy part of my tiny little (in that moment!) mind thought it was an intelligent freakin’ life choice to pretend that THAT could be okay, or, more relevantly, aligned, for me.
With perhaps the biggest thing of all, the smack you in the face and make you wanna roll your eyes thing of all, being the total.fucking.abscence of desire.
Oh, sure, there was DESIRE –
Desire to be seen.
Desire for connection.
Desire for energetic exchange.
Desire for something deeper, powerful, fuck yes, more?
OF COURSE.
Desire for that particular person, for their soul, for who they are in how they show up right now as a human, desire for nothing in particular, really, because actually desire is never about having a particular characteristic in place, or no, it’s ONLY something that either IS, or no, and baby –
It was not.
Not even once, not even a little bit!
And yet, there I went, back in that moment a hundred thousand years back or perhaps it was just last week, I don’t know, it doesn’t matter, you get the point of the story –
Digging myself ever further into a connection that I thought maybe could, or should, unfold to SOMETHING, because, well, because, well –
>>> Insert blank space, hashtag eye roll, hashtag interesting life choice, hashtag fear mind <<<
And it reminds me, you know? It reminds me so much of earlier times in my business.
Where absolutely no fucking part of me wanted to do it THAT way. Not a single little BIT of it spoke to me about doing it that way. Literally nothing in my heart leaped for joy, no cell in my body was expanded, not a single full body fuck yes was experienced, and precisely NIL angels came down from heaven to sing and signal that this was the way, and yet I TRIED TO DO IT ANYWAY.
Because because because, well –
Because people I respected or thought I should said so.
Because everybody else was doing it that way! (hashtag coronavirus hashtag toilet paper hashtag fear mind hashtag sheep)
Because it seems liked something I thought could, or should, unfold to SOMETHING, because, well, because, well –
>>> INSERT BLANK SPACE <<<
Because nobody ever told me yet that I could unapologetically back myself, go all the way the fuck in on being me, do ONLY my purpose work, and do it from soul, my way, and SCREW the motherfucking system!
Nobody told me?
I didn’t yet realise this was something I had to tell myself 
As a result of this, I spent several years trying to follow the system of being a good little marketer, good little sales person online, good little brand buildin’ stepfordpreneur, and slowly slowly my soul started to wither,
And die,
And meanwhile – ! I absolutely was NOT attracting only soulmate clients, I absolutely was NOT doing only the work I was called to do, in only the way that felt right for me, and I absolutely was NOT letting all of who I really am be seen!
As a result of THAT, I absolutely was not creating the business,
The life,
Or the me,
Look, I don’t regret a second of it! I learned what I needed to learn, and eventually what I learned was this:
I GET TO BE ALL OF ME, PERIOD, THE END, AND NOT ONLY IS THAT ALLOWED AND OKAY, BUT IT IS EXACTLY WHAT DRAWS MY IDEAL PEEPS TO ME AND RESULTS IN THAT I’VE NOW BUILT AN 8-FIGURE+ BUSINESS, ON MY TERMS, WHERE EVERY DAY I GET TO JUST WAKE UP AND DO MY SOUL WORK AND PLAY AND DANCE AND TWIRL WITH GOD AND LIFE.
Or, y’know – something like that
So yeah, I don’t regret any of it.
But boy oh boy am I glad I finally moved past the stage of thinking I needed to give even a SECOND of me to something that didn’t light up ALL of me, because somehow saying yes to “fuck, maybe”, and hoping it would unfold into “fuck yes!” was a thing.
Lemme tell you:
Fuck, maybe never turns to FUCK YES, and ignoring the absence of desire?? Not so smart. In fact very very not fucking smart.
Do I shake my head at myself now in wonder that I gave up bits of my soul my mind my energy my time to a person who I felt no core desire for, no internal fuck yes, no “I can’t not” instinctive need to be close to this person, which, let’s face it, is a thing which is either there or NO?
No.
I mean, well, yes. Sure. Of course I shake my head, in wonder, that I really am that bloody masterful at creating a story of what could be, and then buying in to the story! I’m a genius at it, actually! Someone should give me an award.
But shake my head that I was an idiot or a fool, for not seeing something that now seems obvious about that connection of yesteryear, which I now get to use an example of EXACTLY WHAT I CLAIM THE DIFFERENT OF?
Nah. Not so much.
So yeah, no. That’s not a thing.
But here is what is:
Right now, there is something in your life which your soul wants to say yes to. Every cell in your body is screaming YES! Maybe it’s a person, and it makes no sense, but your energy is undoubtedly saying yes to their energy. Maybe it’s a business idea or shift, and it seems reckless, but something within you does not GIVE a fuck.
And yet there you are –
Giving a fuck, because somebody or something told you “that’s not how it works”.
Well –
IT IS HOW IT FUCKING WORKS!
By the same token –
The absence of desire is right now jumpin’ up and down in your face somewhere and telling you, hey – ! THAT IS NOT THE WAY. That is not the thing. That is not how you’re meant to play this shit. Walk away!
And you?
Well, maybe you still have lessons to learn in this area. And that’s okay.
But maybe, like I did, too many times to remember is the truth of the matter, maybe, just maybe, it’s time to lift your head up –
Boobs out!
And say “THANK YOU FOR THE LESSONS, BUT NO THANK YOU, I’M GOOD NOW”, and then??
Baby, what else?
GO GET YOUR LIFE.
Because after all, no matter which way you play it and how you choose to learn through your current experiences, one thing we know for sure is this:
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