I’M TRIGGERED AS FUCK BY OWN SELF RIGHT NOW … Maybe I AM Too Much?!
Aughhhhhh. Ugh. Augh. Grrrrrr! Huff-puff emoji x 10!!
I feel triggered as FUCK by my own self right now, and honestly just SO squirmy and uncomfortable. The only possible thing to do, of course, is to write about it. Is there ever another solution to ANY discomfort or feeling of being exposed?
I just picked up my new Mercedes AMG C63 Cabriolet – V8 baby! – it is a BADASS as fuck black #katmobile of awesome. I’m supppperrrr in love with it, and I’m proud of myself for how easy and almost ‘everyday’ it is for me to make such a purchase! When I bought my first Mercedes (CLS) 2 years ago, it was a BIG fucking deal. I felt nervous and like ‘who am I to have such a nice car?’
I remember driving it out of the dealership and feeling slightly terrified that someone would come up and tell me off for pretending to be a badass. Haha. Even though my business was already doing multiple 7-figures a year and I certainly had the ‘success cred’ to back it up, I didn’t feel like I had the STREET cred of being cool. In fact – and this will shock you; you may need to sit down for it – I DIDN’T EVEN OWN A SINGLE ITEM OF CHANEL. I know. It’s astonishing to even consider.
I was juuusssssstt starting to be in a place of readiness to spend money on ME, and the car represented the first big statement around that. The same year, I then went on to buy my first Chanel purse (love that one to this day, AND it’s many sisters I have now called in!), a 34k Blvgari watch, and God knows how many other bits and pieces.
By the end of 2016, I guess it’s fair to say it was pretty normal for me to spend significant money on fancy stuff, and now? Let’s get real, it’s how a lot of people fully SEE me – the chick who cavorts and carries on a lot and has all the expensive shiz-niz and shows it off all the time. This is not my insecurity around what people might think if they’re judging me, this is directly what they have told me. lol.
“Oh, I’m just not into all that stuff like you and your clients … I’m not one of *those* sort of women”
“I’m deeper / more spiritual than that / that’s superficial / it’s not important / your values are out of whack / it’s unnecessary / it’s showing off / how could that help people, etc”
Here’s the thing –
Prior to buying my first Merc, I’d certainly spent a fuckload of money on myself over the years, but it was FULLY on personal development, growth, and business. Okay, and health and fitness and self-care.
But STUFF? No … no no no! I MYSELF was that woman who would turn her nose up at other women who had the fancy stuff.
I was proud of ‘not needing it’, ‘not being like that’, and also of being a low-maintenance backpack gym chick kind of gal. I rarely wore makeup or had my hair done, and I built my business on the TRUTH that you do NOT need that shit in order to build a following or make a difference. Of course you don’t! My content was raw and unpolished, not just in the message but in how I myself appeared, and my closet and possessions reflected that.
I wore that badge of honour with BELLS on, and I have even been reminded not long ago by the fabulous @Ciara Foy that there was a time I actively and publicly stated ‘I will NEVER buy anything from that store!’ (Chanel). lolololol, I KNOW.
Today I pick up the new wheels …
I drive out of the dealership with the top down, and sipping on aminos from my always-present Batman shaker; ‘Go Hard or Go Home’ grinding from the stereo, newly freshened blonde locks flying, tatts and boobs out, Balenciaga purse on the seat next to me and less-than-a-week-old meteorite and diamond Rolex on my wrist, and I notice I feel …
As I cruised down the coast to my favourite beachside cafe (because, let’s be honest – you park right next to where everyone sits there, and what; I’m gonna go hide this new beast somewhere right after I bought it?!), I thought briefly about ‘what the kids I grew up with’ would say about all this.
Would they be impressed? Curious as to how ME, literally one of THE most nerdy, shy, UNcool and introverted kids in the school ended up looking like this, acting like this, having this sort of STUFF, being like this?
I put it aside. Kept on cruising. And noticed something else –
Underneath the fact that I felt perfectly fucking comfortable, and, unlike the last time I picked up a Merc, actually easily know how to drive it … although let’s wait till we hit V8 race mode!! – I felt something else.
I squirmed in my seat. Did I REALLY need to do that little livestream from the dealership, was that really necessary? And now what, I’m gonna post pics and shit, show off my stuff again?
It’s already been quite the week for people being triggered and unsettled as fuck by me and my Inner Circle clients, a TON of it has come up of late, due to the ‘stuff’, due to us going to a stripper dance class, due to the general underlying mindset which a TON of y’all still carry (me too, to some degree I guess!), that if she’s beautiful she must be dumb, if she’s frivolous and playful she must only be superficial, if she loves sex, she must be a whore.
Read this post if you missed it, it is GOLD; one of the most powerful I’ve written this year, and quite the story:
SHE’S BEAUTIFUL, A DIVA, FRIVOLOUS, LOVES SEX – SHE MUST BE A DUMB UNSPIRITUAL WHORE 👊 https://www.facebook.com/…/a.67077960627…/2226648277350682/…
I very nearly had one of my soulmate clients leave the Inner Circle because of how much stuff it brought up for her. Which I FULLY understand, as there was stuff beneath the stuff which needed to come up, and so thank God for THAT! But that don’t mean it was comfortable, for either of us, but especially for her. #respectfordoingtherealwork
Things got to get addressed.
Conditioned beliefs stirred and mixed.
New ones chosen.
I had to acknowledge or remind myself that YEPPPPPPPP –
If you’re gonna purport to be a badass, act accordingly, choose to be hot as fuck (hot is an energy; don’t get upset!!), and have only hot as fuck badass clients also, make millions of dollars doing ONLY what you fucking love and want, help your clients to do the same, become BFF’s with your clients, go to church and stripper dance class with them all on one day, look like you’re ACTUALLY IN LOVE WITH YOUR LIFE on all your socials, and then on top of it you’re going to DANCE AND PRANCE ALL OVER THE INTERNET WITH FANCY STUFF, well –
It mayyyyyyyyyy just all be a teensy bit too much for some people.
INCLUDING for you yourself!!
And I wondered, as I thought about all of this just now, then voiced Patrick about being triggered about my own self before realising of course I gotta WRITE about it –
AM I too much? Is it ALL too much? Am I trying to PROVE something?! Is it going to push people away from me, that I SO audaciously claim and do not apologise for being all that I am and claiming all that is AVAILABLE.
SUPER confronting to think about!
And then though.
Well, quite simply, and THEN –
I came back to the unshakeable truth of what I would say to a client if they brought this stuff to me –
If abundance is fucking infinite (AND IT IS), then it means that all this stuff is just a choice.
It is literally something you can choose or not choose.
It doesn’t reflect your depth, your spirituality, your power and art, or how you can help people.
It REFLECTS, perhaps, the fact that part of your message is to SHINE A LIGHT ON WHAT’S AVAILABLE, which is to say ANYTHING, and EVERYTHING.
And as for whether the STUFF is something you ever wanna choose for yourself, who cares either way?
Choose it or don’t choose it, it’s only money, it’s only stuff, it’s only something you can order or not order off the menu of life!
But when you get triggered –
Or you make it to mean something –
Plain and simply you show that you don’t QUITE believe abundance IS infinitely available, ’cause if you did?
It really wouldn’t fucking matter.
Which I guess is exactly what I’m now gonna do.
And maybe just did
How ’bout you?
Don’t forget –
Life is Now. Press Play.
Just launched baby, and the bonuses are dropping hot for you TODAY.
Katrina Ruth’s Get Savage About Success Self-Belief Challenge.
30 Days to Quit the Bullshit and Get Seriously Savage About Saying Yes to You in Every.Single.Thing Your Soul Has Shown You. #NoMatterWhat
Is the must-attend alignment and asskickery of 2020 which you KNOW it gets to be time for.
Come see what I made you, here: