NOT QUITE THAT, NOT QUITE THIS, THIS IS HOW I SHOW UP FOR MY ART WHEN THE MUSE IS BEING AN ASSHOLE
What do I want to write and what do I want to say today, what is it I desire to SHARE with the world?
What do I want to write and what do I want to say today, what is it I desire to SHARE with the world?
– I ask myself, in my writing app, after completing my journaling for the morning and knowing, now is the time to write.
Sometimes the message is pouring out of me before I can even make it to the laptop, or some device, where I can let it out.
Other days my mind feels blank, and empty, either in flatness or just in nothingness and calm, like today.
But still I find – I want to write. I know I must write. I feel the NEED to write, my body my mind my soul ALL of me – hungry for that release, and that deep connection, to soul.
I sit
I sip my coffee
I gaze out over the other patrons at the coffee shop
My zombie eyes probably freaking somebody out, somewhere, but I don’t see them because where I’m looking, is inside
Seeking the magic
Seeking the flow
Seeking a hit, really, of my drug of choice
But nope – nothing! Outrageous … annoying … I WANT TO WRITE and God damn it, I’ve made space to write! I will NOT go do my Christmas shopping till I’ve written; no I WON’T!
So, I ask –
What do I want to write and what do I want to say today, what is it I desire to SHARE with the world?
My fingers start to move of their own accord, and I find myself typing –
I am rich
I am famous
I choose my reality
I can create whatever is inside of me
I can literally turn my thoughts to reality
I have everything I need
In my mind, I shake my head in mock despair at this little download.
“Yes, yes Kat!”, my mind says, it’s eyes rolling (my mind has eyes, of course!) …
“That’s all very well, but you already DID your journaling, you’re not supposed to be sitting here writing more affirmations for yourSELF … what do you have for the PEOPLE?!”
I contemplate doing a piece on affirming and locking in new beliefs and then living into them and creating YOUR reality, but nah …
It feels boring
Stale
I’ve said that shit a million times; you already KNOW it!
A title comes to me –
WHEN THE MUSE HASN’T VISITED YOU, SHOW UP ANYWAY
I could write about that …
I stare blankly into space again
When I do this when my kids are around, which happens sometimes if an idea is trying to wriggle its way out and I must still my every muscle every cell every fibre of my being and even my BREATH –
My daughter will SHRIEK at me –
“Mummy!! Where are you?! You’ve gone away again!”
And she clicks her fingers in my face, which she knows drives me crazy, and gives me the sort of look of loved mixed with despair that a parent might give an errant child.
“Sorry honey … I was just … traveling”
I do that.
You too?
Yes.
Thought so 
🙂
Reminder –
You can create whatever is inside of you …
Those places you’re traveling to are real, and you get to learn something there; maybe even bring it back.
But today, no … I tune in to that title, about showing up anyway, when the muse doesn’t visit, and I think, hmmm –
Well.
I don’t actually believe that as an absolute.
I don’t think you have to write every day speak every day journal every day with NO exception.
99.99% of the time YES, show the fuck up, be IN the space for your dreams, and the muse or whatever else is required will visit you when you DO.
99.99% of the time I do what I do regardless of whether I FEEL like it.
Because I think I should force myself? No.
Because I act FROM the outcome, not towards it.
But sometimes, fuck ALL of it, and I do nothing, and know that THAT is what flow looked like for today, so no, I don’t align, actually, to writing a post saying you should ALWAYS show up anyway.
So, hmmm, no –
It’s not quite that …
And it’s not quite this …
WHAT SHOULD I WRITE?
I laugh at myself because I know that the more I try to demand a message to come through, the more wily it will become and it will run run RUN from me, and also – like an asshole – LAUGH at me.
Bastards.
So then, I know exactly what to do when it’s a day like this.
I lean INTO it.
You want to hide from me, muse? You want to dance away from me, message? You want to give me nothing GRAND and BOLD and POWERFUL to share with the world, soul?
That’s okay.
I’m good enough I do enough I have great hair and God damn it people LIKE me, so I’ll just BE OKAY WITH THE NOTHING.
Can’t get me that way! 
😉
And so I start to write.
Not quite that.
Not quite this.
This is how I show up when the muse is hiding from me.
I write, literally, what I’m feeling.
I give myself permission, as I have so many times before, to LET THE MESSAGE BE THE MESSAGE, and to remind myself, as I’ve reminded myself so many times before, and as I continually remind my clients –
Ours is not to CRITIQUE or even EDIT the damn thing.
Ours is to let it out.
Not to question whether it’s good enough or fancy enough or interesting enough or WORTHY enough to come out –
But just to let it out.
And perhaps, in doing so, perhaps in leaning in to the nothing, a spark will come, and the flow will take over, and the muse will appear and with MUCH flair grab you by the waist and dance away with you and it will be rainbows and fucking unicorns EVERYWHERE, and WELL DONE YOU for showing up and letting the magic APPEAR – !
(Which is slightly how I feel
just in these last few paragraphs
now)
Or –
CRASH!
Perhaps not.
Perhaps you will write a piece.
A piece about nothing.
And you will feel –
Not very much.
But still you will exhale that little bit deeper –
Because you did what you can’t NOT, but yet still, so often, manage TO not.
And perhaps one day –
In many moons, or not so many at all –
You’ll look back.
And people will ask you, how did you do it, I’m not clear yet, and I don’t know what to say most of the time, and I question myself constantly, and I don’t even really know what my PURPOSE is, I have all of this stuff inside of me but I just don’t know how to let it out and so I CAN’T write … speak … create … you know?!
And you’ll turn to them
And smile
And tell them
Of how, all you did, to get to here, was just show up
Every day
Just as you were for that day
And just as the message was for that day
And somewhere, someway, over days and days and days of letting the message BE the message, and of committing to the art rather than to your own bullshit –
You found clarity.
You found purpose.
You found meaning.
You found flow.
And built a following.
You created an empire.
You made millions of dollars.
And impacted millions of people.
And all you had to do, ALL you had to do, was NOTHING at all and also BE nothing at all and there was NEVER anything to prove or to ‘rock the world with’, but ALL you had to do, regardless of clarity or know-how, or ANY of it, was simply –
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