SOMETIMES I DON’T FEEL REAL

Sometimes I look around at what I’ve created, what I’ve produced, what I show up and do each day on social media, and email, and in the very many other creative things that go on behind the scenes, and I think –

None of it is real.

What is even the point of this?

What am I actually building?

And why am I here?

Do you ever feel this way? A sort of … irritation mixed with vague hopelessness, that by now you thought you would have done something SO much bigger, so much more SOLID, so much more, yes, well – REAL.

Do you ever get annoyed at the idea that you’ve somehow planted yourself firmly in some kind of Groundhog Day social media playground where we are all just repeating each others bullshit, and rehashing ideas that have been the same since eternity began, there’s nothing new, nothing new at all, and now on top of it we have to all hear each others opinions on a myriad of NON message related things that we’re all ‘experts’ at, if not talking about, then certainly at filling up time and space with?!

Or is it just me, who feels this way at times?

Don’t worry, I’m sure I won’t remain so maudlin all month … all week … or even all day.

But also –

I don’t apologise for questioning myself or you or the whole entire game in this way, and I don’t think it’s a bad thing, a negative attitude, or even, as I just referenced, a little bit gloomy.

If we don’t question,

How do we continue to grow?

And if we’re not willing to see our own bullshit as well as the sometimes bullshit of ALL of it, how do we bring ourselves back to connectedness to what it’s actually all about; remember why we’re really here? How do we lock ourselves back on target, not to the general idea of being a messenger … a storyteller … a performer … a leader … somebody who helps others just with their very ESSENCE, never mind what they have to share and teach, but also to the specifics of what we should actually be DOING right now?

I don’t know about you, but if I don’t question, and at least entertain the idea of burning all the ships, all the ships NOW, then I tend to end up carrying some kind of layer of ‘crud’ and ‘should’ around with me.

The questioning and the maybe burning down clears the surface layer of bullshit which has crept up on me, disconnecting me perhaps only a LITTLE, but a little is already too much, from the core of what drives me.

And what drives me is this:

– Not being seen on social media
– Not having huge follower numbers
– Not having the right sort of pretty and polished look, that oh-so-aspirational lifestyle and self laid out for all to see
– Not having endless highly engaged conversations and much-liked or loved (love! Duh! You should ALWAYS press love!) blogs, or livestreams, or any of it
– Not even selling my shit, and seeing my money or any other numbers go up

Now I’m definitely not upset about any of that stuff. I’m not trying to will it away! And I’m also not saying it’s out of alignment for me to have it all goin’ on. Hell no.

I’m saying –

It does not stoke my fire.
It is not why I am here.
And, when I allow my focus, time, energy, ‘me-ness’ to be caught up in my growth of audience or money … my ‘online presence’ and how it looks … being pretty or put together or high vibe enough as a leader … gettin’ hot engagement on my shit … harping on and on ad infinitum about why you should buy my shit … (lol, yes I did just refer to me selling the stuff I passionately believe in and KNOW helps people in a mind-blowing way as ‘harping on’ … #mood) –

I lose my sense of self.
I get bored.
I get annoyed.
I start to HATE the same samey-ness of it all.
And I find myself wanting to tear the whole thing down, exit stage left, and never talk to any of you again but most of all, never have to talk to this version of ME again.

NONE OF IT FEELS REAL AND WHAT AM I DOING HERE?!

I don’t know if I am horrifying you right now, or if perhaps, just maybe, you can relate.

So then –

I dig in. And I ask – “okay, Kat. What if you just tore it all down. Is that what you want? Because you know you CAN, right?! So let’s play a game of imagine!”.

And I imagine just … stopping. What else would I do? Who would I be?

Well –

I would have things to say.
To write.
To speak.
To share.
I would get a lil crazy and ranty and silly sometimes, and probably cross the line with the relevance or the professionalism of some of those things.
I would DEFINITELY want to create stuff to help you, to bring you back to who TF you are, to sell to you, to kick your ass with!
And I would 100% want to be in a killer freakin’ conversation with you about all of it!

So … uh … MAYBE JUST A LITTLE BIT BIPOLAR OVER HERE KAT? Maybe don’t even know what you want or who you are at all?!

But here is what it’s about –

When I stop feeling real.
When I want to destroy ALL of it.
When I am over myself completely, and, in that moment, over every last other mofo out there as well, like EVERYONE.
When I think – “I’m not doing what I’m really meant to do still! There’s a layer missing … a level! I’m not BUILDING anything! IT’S NOT REAL!” –

Sure, maybe there is something I’ve been avoiding working on, that I’m scared of not being good enough for, or whatever.

So it might be that – commit, decide, and do it anyway! Ass in the damn chair and you do NOT GET UP TIL YOU DO THAT SOUL WORK. (For me this is typically to do with my book writing, for my ‘real’ aka bookstore books! Happy to say I am working on this stuff daily now though).

But actually, what it’s mostly about is –

I lost focus on my true underlying motivation.

And I let it get buried.

Back when I was a Personal Trainer, I would ask people 3 questions.

1) Why are you here
2) Why is that important to you
3) What do you mean / what does that mean to you?

1) Why am I here – because I have a message to share, and I want to do it in a way that builds something which stands the test of time, creates a legacy, leaves an imprint not just on this but also future generations

2) Why is that important to me – because there is a voice inside of me that just won’t quit, and wants, more than anything, to wake up and shake you and show you that EVERYTHING THEY TAUGHT YOU ABOUT SUCCESS IS WRONG. That if you keep on jumping hoops that way, you will NEVER get there, NEVER be fulfilled, NEVER do your purpose work, NEVER really live. And then you will die. That the answers are ONLY within you.

3) Why is it important to me to let that voice out, what does it mean to me?

^^ this is the ‘underlying motivation’ bit. When you get that, about yourself, or about anyone … you will never have a problem with taking action again. But! You gotta stay tapped in to it.

So why is it important to me?

– Not so I can make money
– Not so I can be an aspirational leader
– Not for your comments and loves and likes and shares
– Not even for your conversation and connection!
– Not to sell my shit
– Not to grow my following
– Not to make sure I stay one step ahead and head above the crowd on social media

It’s important to me for this reason, and this reason alone:

When I don’t let that voice out,

I can’t breathe.

I’m an artist, always, before I am an entrepreneur.

If you relate, let me tell you the one thing you need to know right now:

Put your art first, ALWAYS. Do it only for its own sake, no agenda, no trying or even HOPING that it makes you money, or achieves any other outcome. Do it JUST BECAUSE IT’S WHAT YOU ARE MEANT TO DO. Once you have let it OUT each day, then, if you’re so called, guided, inclined, go ahead and monetize the fuck out of it, and get it out to the OH so many people you know it can help. Laugh and dance and play and talk shit with those people, too! Get in the conversation!

But get your damn priorities straight, and remind yourself of them often, or soon enough you’ll look around and think ‘what the fuck is all this even for anyway?’, and why, despite working my ass off, do I still feel like I’m not doing what I’m really meant to do.

There are 3 parts to doing what you’re really meant to do, as an artist entrepreneur who also chooses to make serious money, and help a lot of people, and I believe they have to be done in order.

1) Let the art be the art, the message be the message. Do the art first. Do it fully. Do this always.

2) Be intentional about where the art goes / is published / posted / released, etc. What are you building? What do you WANT to build? Are you directing your art, your heart, your LIFE towards that?

For me, when I am off track or feeling shitty in the way I described today, it is generally that there is somewhere where I am not being intentional about what I am growing. I got point #1 down YEARS ago, I always and only let the art be the art, the message be the message. #thankyoume

3) Talk shit on the internet / everything else / focus on LESS important goals, if you like, like prettying up your shit … engaging in the conversation … doing other things in the ‘biz’ part of what you’ve got going on, and so on.

If you feel off track, it’s for sure that you have your shit out of order.

You’re not doing #1 fully, or first, making it the ‘actual’ thing when in fact, for you, it has always been the ONLY actual thing.

Or, you’re being a lazy shit about not building something that will actually last, you’re letting fear or whatever rule you, or yeah – you just have crappy habits. Either way, get over it, start building.

But as for feeling real?? Look, you can wake up feeling all mehhhh for any number of reasons. Could be as simple as, and often is – too much time on social media yesterday!

Regardless –

You’ll feel real when you do what you really came here to do, in the way you’re really meant to do it.

Don’t pretend you don’t know what this is!

And meanwhile, quit taking up space on the internet until you let your soul take up space in you.

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