Sometimes I hate it all … {Journal Extract}

“I look at what I’m doing online and I hate all of it.

I want it all to disappear and go away.

Maybe I don’t want to grow a business at all,

but instead a life.

I hate the vapid representations of my work, or what people think of it. Churn it out so people can see I do good stuff! Add a lot of excitement and emojis and wow, so great!

It’s empty. Lifeless. Has nothing to do with now. Or me.

I want people to feel my soul my raw my blood my truth.

I want them to eat me alive as I in return reach in, wrench out their heart and shove it dripping red into mine.

I want to stop the endless doing.

BECAUSE NONE OF US ARE HERE FOR THE DOING.

I do not want to perpetuate the bullshit anymore. I do not care about the noise. I did not come here to coach you. Or even, help you rise. I’m not here for your proper. pretty. oh so perfectly designed, or even, unleashed.

I’M HERE FOR YOUR SOUL. And I won’t stop without it.

You want a million dollars, maybe 10? (she asks with scorn)

Good. Go get it. Whatever. IT DOES NOT MATTER IT’S JUST A CHOICE. Choose it. Don’t choose it. Who cares? But continue to fail to choose you? SOMEBODY’S GONNA CARE.

(It’s you).

So no. I don’t care. If my work helps you to ‘make more’. Achieve more. Or even receive more. I look at the outcomes most people strive so hard to achieve, I myself have focused so relentlessly to achieve, and sometimes I feel … nothing.

Maybe a vague awareness of fine. It’s SOMETHING. But THE thing? I don’t think so. There has only ever been one thing I care about in all of this. And it beats so strong in my chest at times I think it will tear me open from the inside out, ROARING in anger that I tried to contain it –

ARE YOU LIVING FOR THE ART THAT’S REALLY INSIDE OF YOU? FOR THE BEAT OF YOUR HEART?

And that. Is. All.

If I could tear it all down and build it up again, but different, it would be exactly the same but yet somehow … even MORE raw.

Bloody. Gritty. GNARLY. Because what I long to do more than anything – is, when that final bell tolls, to be able to say –

I lived my unadulterated fucking truth. I CHOSE cool shit, outcomes, money, what have you. As an add on. But no, I didn’t pursue it. Adjust for it. Or work towards it. What I worked towards was simple – an ever deeper knowing that I created what I saw inside of me by living from what is inside of me. And THAT. is all.”

^^^ I wrote the above in my journal, more recently than what you might think.

A venting and a pouring out. When I wrote it, I felt SO angry. Irritated! And just –

empty, in that moment. I felt like something was missing, and that everything I’d created was pointless. I thought that this was because something about my online business was missing. That there was something I wasn’t seeing, couldn’t put my finger on, needed to adjust. And I was tired. SO tired. Of this endless feeling of ‘I still need to figure out how to go deeper with all of this! Be more me! Why aren’t I all of me yet?!’

Fast forward to late last week, and I had the most epic breakthrough I have had in – years.

I wrote about it here in my free Daily Asskickery Facebook group. It was – HUGE. Shocking! And, also – ‘of course’. As these things always are.

Here is the crux of what hit me –

There IS a reason I feel like something is missing, or I’m not going quite deep enough. But that reason is NOT to do with my current business. My current business is perfect! Exactly as it is. Exactly as I CREATED it to be, and chose it. No wonder I couldn’t find the ‘problem’. But yet I FELT the problem.

BECAUSE THE PROBLEM EXISTED. And was this:

the missing pockets.

The parts of me, in other varied business and money interests and whatnot, which I had not yet been fully owning. Either by side-lining them somewhat. Or in other cases by downplaying them, not talking about them, in some way making them less ‘real’ then my online business.

The truth is I have multiple companies, brands and businesses and I just haven’t made them as much part of my story. Perhaps because for so many years my identity was indeed wrapped up in my coaching company.

Here’s the thing with expansion. As I shared in the ‘mega breakthrough’ post I mentioned above, along with sharing lots of the different things (not all, some are v under the radar!) I do actually have going on.

>>> Expansion means saying yes to all of you. <<<

I felt like I HATED things when I was shoving down or away or ‘smallening’ parts of me. When in actual fact I didn’t hate anything at all. I just needed to let all of me come out to play so I can BREATHE fully.

When I wrote the ‘hate’ post above, I didn’t know if I’d actually publish it. It felt so … aggressive. And a little self-conscious making.

Now I am proud to air it out. And to acknowledge that yep, I have those times of wild disconnection as well! AND –

ALL OF ME IS ALWAYS AVAILABLE.

Today I created the very first training for my new 6-week live course, Transmission. We kicked off just yesterday, and I’m so excited for what’s to come with my Transmission clients over these coming weeks.

This is a 100% new content course! And I’m running it with each module (week) filmed live. The audio training which was released today, as ‘pre’ work before our Module 1 live training happening later this week, was around ‘The Way’.

What came through from my spirit, what I stepped out of my own way around and let through in this training gave me goosebumps. Don’t you just stop in wonder sometimes and have to shake your head at what an INCREDIBLE incredible thing it is to get to do our true soul work with the amazing humans we get to?

What an honour.

Here is my favourite line of my own from today‘s Transmission training:

All of you is always available.

ALL of you – is always available.

#goosebumps

But here is what else I want to say to that right now –

All of you is also REQUIRED.

And imagine.

Just imagine – !

If you not only knew that, but you lived it, in this exact way: ‘Of course’.

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