STOP PARTICIPATING IN YOUR OWN ASSISTED DEATH
I found out this past week that I have glandular fever which has apparently been in my body in crazy high levels for nearly 20 years without being diagnosed,
a parasite in my gut munching and crunching its way around and takin’ all the good energy left,
and that I am allergic to dairy!
Stay calm, not lactose, so I can still have pure organic butter. Phew. But the milk protein which is in … um … my daily whey protein shake, not to mention about a million other places you’d really not think of even when you do eat 95% clean? Yep! It’s everywhere.
It’s funny, you know?
When maybe you haven’t been feeling your best for a while, and you’ve adapted to that, found how to hack your way around it, you self-manage and curate for a living basically (literally, in my case!), and you are also a next level expert at having no time for your own bullshit and just getting ON with things, and so MOST of the time when you don’t feel amazing you sternly tell yourself to just choose flow ANYWAY,
knowing it is always a choice,
taking a rest, sure, but with an overall mindset of not being available to not feel fabulous,
and then all of a sudden you find out there’s an actual reason or 3.
It’s funny how all of a sudden, after YEARS of learning how to operate at peak and create from that place, YEARS – decades! – of learning how to get straight to the GOOD stuff when you ARE on, because you’ll inevitably soon enough crash again – you find out that huh,
those crashes are actually a real thing.
Not made up.
Not you being weak.
Not even just ‘part of being this kind of person who loves to push, and superflow, and pull down, and live at SUCH an intense level energetically’.
It’s funny how all of a sudden when you have PERMISSION, on a deeper level than what even you already gave yourself, you realise,
just how much more you’ve been holding on than what you knew.
For me, it’s not that I’ve been pushing myself to DO things outside of what’s aligned,
it’s been that I’m continually annoyed at myself for not BEING more of what I think I should be.
Given how healthy I am – (thought I was!)
Given how well I take care of myself –
Given how much I know –
Given my strong and certain mindset –
etc –
I just always think it is BULLSHIT that I have these almost daily periods of completely fading out, being unable to function, losing my mental faculties and struggling to even bend over and pick washing up off the floor.
I still give myself the rest or pause I need –
but it has NOT been coming from a place of acceptance.
It’s been coming from a place of ‘what’s wrong with you?! This is stupid?! You shouldn’t BE this tired all the time, you must be imagining it!’.
And then I’d be on again, and up again, and superflow again, and certainly the fact that my entire life is geared around knowing what PUTS me in flow means I frequently AM there, so then once more I’d think – yeah! That other shit is stupid! Made up! Not real.
But back it’d come sometime later that day, or the next, just continual recurring phases of the virus, I now know, and once again I’d be trying to make it not real even while reluctantly giving my body what it asked for.
I kind of feel like the whole world fell out beneath me this week, like – holy shit. THERE IS AN ACTUAL REASON I’VE FELT ALL THIS STUFF AND IT’S NOT MADE UP.
On the one hand –
wow. How cool that, in a way, because of my continual energy ups and downs I’ve learned how to create a business and life where I only need to do the things that elevate me!
But on the other hand –
huh. From this place of understanding, and while I’m being treated, next level PERMISSION would mean, well, not that many changes in what I DO, ’cause I don’t do jack shit my soul knows I’m not meant to, but it would mean a HUGE change in what I’ve been putting over myself internally.
Getting annoyed at myself for needing so much sleep.
For not waking super early even when I go to bed early, always being up hours after my friends when I’m with others.
Feeling irritated that I have that complete blank out period pretty much each afternoon.
Or that after a few hours with the kids I just HAVE to go lay down, I completely start fading out.
Or that I continually keep ignoring things around the house I say I want to personally do.
Or that I’m almost always aching and hurting, constantly wondering how much more freakin’ yoga or massage I need to actually feel functional.
Or that I just CAN’T, so much of the time, with really basic stuff.
etc.
It’s a permission slip to be with what actually IS.
And it’s a mind fuck because I would have said that I already am that, I live and breathe it, I’ve created my entire online empire based on only doing what I feel guided to, called for, what is ‘me’.
I give myself permission to take as much rest as I need, to have massage every day if I want, I do all the things!
But no – I wasn’t actually ‘okay’ with me being me because I felt like there’s something TOO over the top about just how damn me I seem to need to be!
Well it turns out that that is TRUE, from a health perspective, and TREATABLE (yay), but the principal remains very very relevant for each of us.
I quit the ‘do for outcomes’ life, and I went into the ‘follow alignment’ paradigm.
I figured out that the more I give myself permission to ONLY do what I’m called, and just choose my outcomes (money, soulmate audience growth, soulmate team / support, any and all other outcomes in business or life!), the more they just show up.
I learned that the more I give myself permission to notice ANYTHING I am doing from a perspective of ‘I better’, or ‘I should be’, or ‘it’s required’, and then to REFUSE to do it,
either handing it over to someone else if relevant or possible, or simply HANDING IT OVER, The End, if not,
the more life opened up,
came down and took care of things for me,
and the pathway I would otherwise never have seen, whereby ALL I needed to do was the ‘me’ things, and receiving went SO next level it’d make your head spin,
just opened up.
I learned:
life says yes to me.
And so I have lived that way for too long to remember, and it’s exactly how I have built a business that makes millions of dollars each year, year in and year out, and where I only do what I love and am led to.
NOW I get to go next level with my inner fire, and I also get to acknowledge that I still haven’t been in full permission of my current reality because I thought it was bullshit. Haha.
So, that’ll be fun for me!
But here’s what YOU need to think about:
Where right now are you not in full permission of your current reality because you think it’s bullshit?
Bullshit that you just don’t WANNA do what everyone says you have to.
Bullshit that you just don’t WANNA jump through those marketing hoops.
Bullshit that you just don’t seem to CARE enough about what all the other shiny ‘preneurs are caring about.
Bullshit that you just can’t seem to bring yourself to ‘do it properly’.
And that all you wanna do, is, well –
whatever it is you wanna do.
That’s it!
The End!
And get paid for it, k thanks and bye.
Hmm?
Hmmm!
Here is a reality that I needed to have shown to me again this week, and which we all need to come back to from time to time:
wherever you are RESISTING giving yourself permission to be with what is,
is where truth lies.
For me, right now it’s health stuff which I trust will change.
But not too long ago, it was ‘how I should do business and life stuff’.
I spent years trying so hard to fit the box, do it right, be ‘proper’.
All the while dreaming of an idea of not doing ANYTHING except writing and speaking whatever TF came out of me, no regard for how it could possible work or make me money, and just being ME to inspire and empower other badass leaders and creators and messengers to be all of THEM.
Eventually?
I said fuck it, and gave myself permission to do that.
How was I so daring, so bold, so reckless, as to throw away ALL the rules of what I thought I should have to do in business??
I stopped caring if it worked.
I handed over the results.
I decided it just WOULD.
But that if it didn’t?
I was done with doing anything to make it. And I was gonna just.be.with.what.WAS. My writing. My speaking. My unleashing. Without rhyme. Or reason. So there!
My business and money?
Blew up.
And finally I could breathe again.
My love –
there is always another level of permission to go to.
Quit telling yourself that being you requires you to HAVE to be anything.
Or accept you are, right now, participating in the eventual decline and death of your own purpose work, and ultimately –
your soul.
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