THE TRUTH ABOUT 2017

I got fat as fuck last year.

For ME. No need to comment with whether or not you think that’s an allowed thing for me to say about myself. I know what’s up! 

It is always and ONLY about how we feel in our OWN bodies (businesses … lives … etc).

I was the biggest I’ve been outside of post pregnancy and with the exception of 2 other times I can clearly remember:

1) before my first marriage ended and I was eating and drinking my way into oblivion; not working out or taking care of myself, masking the fact that even though my then-husband and I at 25 years old were living ‘the dream’ (hot as inner city apartment, luxury car, 20k surround system, constant travel and fine dining, great incomes, whatEVA), it was somebody else’s dream and there was a LOT of sadness and hurt behind the scenes.

2) about 6 months in to when I started living fully location free, which was in 2014, and I didn’t quite adapt to the travel lifestyle in terms of my self-care, PLUS all the big issues in my SECOND marriage really came to the surface.

Aside from those 2 times, for 20+ years, since I was 17 (38 now) and first became magnetically drawn to health and fitness, I have always been long and lean, and in pretty excellent shape.

20+ years.

The KICKER is that this has ‘always’ been true for me REGARDLESS OF WHAT I ATE, didn’t eat, how I trained, etc. Excepting for those 2 times. Where I am DAMN sure that even though extra food may have been part of it, THAT also was only a reflection of the real issue:

Underlying sadness, stress, NOT being in alignment.

For 20+ years I have just known that I get to look and feel amazing.

Eating chocolate every day.
Drinking wine whenever I like.
Having the damn dessert any time I feel like it.
And 100% NOT fucking counting macros, calories, or brain cells left from lack of carbs.

Sure, I’ve done my share of fad diets off and on, of course.

Only thing is …

I was pretty shit at them.

I cheated on EVERY diet I ever did. Even when I was fitness competing!!

And I still ALWAYS got the results I wanted.

Mostly, I quit the damn diets within about, oh …. 7 hours of getting started??

Couldn’t be bothered counting things.
No WAY was I gonna weigh things.
And you can bet your bottom dollar I was always going to eat ALL the damn things I wanted to. Much like how in business, no matter how many times I’ve told myself (previously!) I am going to do something I ‘should’ do … I am I am I am I am, no really! –I never end up doing it.Don’t follow through.Don’t usually make it past about the 5 minute mark!I just don’t take that well to following rules, y’know …I’m sure you can relate 😉

And here is what else –

I’ve always had a not so sneaking suspicion that actually I can DO WHATEVER THE FUCK I WANT, and still get ALL the results.

My bestie Liana Howe and I (she who taught me to be a fitness MACHINE those 20 or so years ago … and who still challenges my ass when we hang and run up the mountain we grew up near!) … we used to NOT joke all the time about how we can eat chocolate and drink wine every day and we are ALWAYS in phenomenal shape.

Not much changes over a few decades 

See, I’ve always just believed that hmm … I don’t have to do what the other people have to do in order to be successful.

Not to mention that I really don’t VIEW it as success if it means sacrificing joy and flow and YES!

Even back in end of school exams, I just didn’t BELIEVE I had to do all that study or preparation.

For my FINAL SCHOOLING EXAMS I studied for precisely 12 minutes for each. In my Mum’s car on the way to the school. And probably talked half the time as well.

I came in the top 3.14% in the country.

I was a little annoyed at myself to be honest though, as I DID feel that had I have REMOTELY tried I would have been top 0.01%.

Of course.

Just like with my body right now, for example, I am vaguely aware that if I DID ALL THE THINGS and counted all the things maybe I’d be 0.2% leaner right now or something.

#sofuckingworthit

Haha.

While there is still that part of me which feels like – damn! I should have been TOP OF THE COUNTRY, I’m also smart enough to see the HUGE fucking learning I received about myself from that experience around the fact that I ALWAYS GET THE RESULT I WANT, and there is nothing I need to DO for that.

I never set a goal to be top.
I set a goal to get the grades for law school.
And I got ’em.

(Of course the whole University thing didn’t remotely appeal once I made it halfway through the first week and realised NOPE! Wasn’t gonna do the normal person thing actually at ALL. But that’s another story).

Anyway.

This past month or so I have stripped fat like a MOTHERfucker.

This was last month when back here in Bali.

I went back to Aus for the holidays and gained a little back again … just a little, but it was still bugging me a bit. INTERESTINGLY I was in Melbourne during that period. My hometown. Which, on the one hand, I love and adore ’cause my family are there. And on the other hand I tend to want to binge like a crazy woman and whether or not I do I FEEL the pull of pain and past trauma, from that town.

Something I am working on 🙂

So.

Now back in Bali for this past week again.

And once again I am feeling lean … brown (bonus!) … lithe … sexy … confident … ME.

Superflow.

What did I DO for this? Well, my typical#BaliCleanse consists of daily Peppertinis and wine … a FUCKLOAD more carbs and fruit than what any food-counting-Nazi worth their salt would approve of … just a fuckload more food in general … daily massages and relaxation … and of course plenty of sweating.

No need to analyse the DETAILS, the POINT is I follow ONLY flow here.

I’m really happy…

I’m really playful…

I’m energetically light…

I write and create even more than usual (which is saying something!) and it runs deeper…

I FLOW. And I give myself permission to be me.

Even more than I usually do.

And of course I can’t help but look back over 2017 and try to figure out why I ‘couldn’t’ seem to shift that extra weight, when it eventually upped and left so quickly it should be reported to somebody and spoken about in the media. Haha.

(This is me reporting it! 🙂)

And here is what I know for sure about all of THAT –

I was not happy, for most of 2017. Of course I was VERY happy in certain things, and in business in particular (which is often an escape, #truth!) I ONLY do things I love and adore.

But the underneath me … she was sad.

I had left my marriage mid 2016 and that was a good and needed thing.

But 2017 was when it all came into reality. Separate living. And then the kids Dad moving across the country, and solo parenting.

Lots of adjustments.

But more so than that –

I was obsessing over a guy and whether or not what I was feeling was real or not … going CRAZY about it but not just talking to him about it … (fear of being seen to be as mad / deluded even though I KNEW I wasn’t) … seeing him but acting like I was totally casual about it when I so was NOT. lol.

And I was attaching a metric FUCKTON of energy to do with my former husband to the entire freaking Gold Coast, where my home base was.

I was literally carrying with me every day –

Sadness
Fear
Hurt
Grief
“What if”
“Not good enough”

Etc.

Talk about how NOT to allow yourself to be in flow!

So, what changed?

Well –

I came back to Bali, which is my soul home. I do NOT think I need to be in Bali to be lean. But I needed to be here to REMIND me of who I fucking am.

I started doing deep healing work with Dane Tomas, that same week, building on and going deeper on years of Kinesiology work which I have loved, studied and included in my rituals of growth for 16 years via various amazing mentors.

I acknowledged and DECIDED for real though that I wanted to let go of the weight.

And I COMPLETELY gave myself permission to be in ONLY flow, and to question anything which actually? Is not fucking flow.

I consider my life pretty flow based as it is. I get to do what I want all day … there’s never anything I ‘have’ to do.

But despite that, I’d somehow built up SO many rules and things I ‘have’ to do! Even to do with how I do the school runs! When I do them!

Normal life was gettin’ its claws in … and I’ve always needed to be that upstart who just WON’T conform.

So, I reminded myself of that.

Oh, and I let out ALL my crazy feelings to the guy. Like – next level #certifiedcrazychick stuff. I literally told him all the stuff you say about a guy to your friends but would NEVER want him to hear. Which was PERFECT. It made me realise just how much I’d been carrying around with me by just not speaking my truth! And it was a huge relief to own it, and speak with him about it.

So that was interesting.

But mostly, and the biggest thing?

I gave myself permission to be all of me.

All that I’d lost over a decade plus of slowly sinking sadness to do with my marriage, and other things which impacted for sure, as well.

Interestingly, during said marriage, most of the time I was lean as fuck!!

This was my way of maintaining control in a life which was OUT of control in the love / relationship area. Well, it was that plus I just expected to be lean.

Once the relationship was finished officially, it was like years of shit just suddenly popped up and wanted dealing with.

And, I didn’t really deal with it.

“I know how to deal with my shit! I’m a God damn self-made multi-millionaire who MENTORS millionaires and badasses!”

Yeah …

Turns out I still needed to own my shit, AND let it fully out.

So anyway.

I don’t really have a point.

But I’m sure something came up for you in reading this.

Tell me what it was, if so!

I guess if I did have a point it’d be this –

Who were you always meant to be, that you’re denying? And not just in a serious ‘success’ way, but also in terms of your personality, your energy, your playfulness, your VIBE?

I let my true happy little girl who likes to mess with the system spirit be slowly but surely pushed down.

I did a damn good job of still achieving a FUCKLOAD of stuff in spite of that, including awesome body shit AND money shit most of the time.

But –

I pushed a lot of ‘me’ down. Even down to stopping dressing up and wearing random weird shit, or continually going against even my OWN grain … things I have actually always done.

I got boring.

So –

When things ‘go backwards’ it’s always a great opportunity to step into understanding and gratitude.

It was PERFECT.

And exactly what I needed to learn.

And as for this year, as for NOW, more relevantly?

I’m flying even fucking higher baby.

It’s just what I do …

AND I’m bringing the sexy back with it.

That’s all.

I love you.

Goodnight.

Gotta go.

I gotta get back to my rack of beef short-ribs smothered in satay sauce … and my wine … etc … #balicleanse … of course.

And you?