ANXIETY IN THE SHADOWS
I walk back home slowly from the gym, annoyed that I’m still not feeling connected to my body, despite going deep, sweating, flowing, NEARLY but not quite. Getting my workout on but not my groove.
Perhaps if I walk slower, listen to something which seeps in to my pores, I’ll get rid of this feeling, this niggle, this UPSET vibe which I don’t have any reason for but yet still can’t shake.
I get back to my villa, and all of a sudden I have to hurry hurry HURRY past where all the staff are hanging out. It’s always been like this.
When it comes.
And the panic is in my eyes, do NOT come near me. And definitely don’t touch me. Don’t LOOK at me. I need to be –
My Beats are on, surely they’ll know not to talk to me. Head down head down head down, don’t make eye contact. Don’t talk to me. Please! Please don’t call out.
I realise my breath is coming a little short and I URGENTLY need to get the fuck away from everybody. I’ll put the do not disturb sign on. Take my phone off the hook. I only have 30 minutes to shower and get ready and go out again, but that’s okay. That’s enough time to lay back and remind myself how to BREATHE again, isn’t it?
And I realise –
Oh, wow. I know this feeling. I remember this feeling. How have I forgotten this feeling?!
The cornered animal energy –
The get AWAY from me vibe –
The anxious need to be completely alone, and RELEASE, because if I don’t I might imPLODE, if I don’t if I don’t if I don’t, it’s just TOO MUCH AND I CAN’T TAKE IT.
Anxiety has been part of my shadows –
For longer than I can remember –
It bares its teeth at me –
Sometimes less and sometimes more –
Sometimes to where I become immobile, frozen, unable to breathe OR move, and I need I need I need – SOMETHING.
Please help …
Other times – mostly, now, if it comes up at all – to where I can easily shake it off. A workout. Some journaling. A massage. Music. Usually, this is where it’s at, at this point in my life. I live my life in such alignment that it’s difficult for anxiety to get a hold in the way it used to DAILY –
All through the day –
Even though I could function and smile and ‘do’ and ‘be’ –
My all day every day was a matter of ‘make it through just one more minute, just one more, one more, till you can get away, and, well –
that thing you do.
to NOT completely go insane’
Today, IT was not so easy to shake.
It was rising up STRONG.
Gotta get inside get inside get inside get inside PLEASE –
As I opened the door, almost THROWING the ‘do not disturb’ sign on to it in my haste, oh YES –
How did I not identify THIS feeling? This URGENT need, the quick quick quick of doing things, quick quick quick before somebody stops me, quick quick quick, unwrap it, get it IN me, so I can breathe again.
For a decade.
For more than that, actually.
This was the only way I managed to cope.
To keep going.
To keep my head above water.
I could function
Through the day
Because at night
I knew I could get away
And while today I was not HAPPY to feel that feeling rise up, I do not ENJOY the clench of the demon of anxiety around my throat, and hell YES I want I need I MUST get rid of it –
And so I do … somewhat … mostly … now, writing this, perhaps, the final stage … I also notice, in that split second before I SLAM the door behind me and near collapse against it, I made it – !
How much has shifted.
How proud I am.
That I no longer HEAL in a way that also SABOTAGES.
That the way I now release –
And I want to tell you –
I know of the things you do.
When you’re alone.
When the doors are closed.
When nobody is there.
When you can’t be found out.
This is not a willpower or discipline issue, that you somehow can’t STOP.
This is survival.
This is NEEDED.
If you desire to release it?
What do I need, actually?
What is it my soul NEEDS?
Perhaps, as it was for me, back then, it’s a remake of your entire fucking LIFE.
BETTER YOU ACCEPT THAT THAN JUST KEEP ON GOING LIKE THIS THEN, HMMM?
Or perhaps –
It’s just space.
For more art.
And that before you begin, the next thing designated for today, you once again –
Ignore the outside world.
The thing that makes you you.
Thank you for reading,
What makes me me.
Don’t forget –
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