YES – YOU’RE AN UNREALISTIC DREAMER, AND DEFINITELY SOMEWHAT INSANE … AND?
Lately I’ve been feeling heavy with the demands of my soul, with all that I know I must still become, do, create, and allow.
Have you ever felt that way?
I’ve been feeling the weight of being this person, been noticing it for some reason in a way which causes me, almost, to wonder –
Do I have to ALWAYS want so much?
I look around –
In a cafe, or at the school, or at the mall, or in my head –
At the normal people.
I try not to stare when they’re near me, but I listen, I observe, I notice, and then when they walk away, sometimes I find myself gazing after them in fascination, curious to know, unable to understand at ALL, what it must feel like, to be content, satisfied, at peace, with LIVING like that.
That sort of relationship, that sort of health, the job, the life, the sitting, the God-damned sitting around, which seems to be such a big part OF life for Those Who We Shall Call The Others, the sitting around and waiting, I suppose –
For the wind to change
For the year to pass
For a direction to be given
“Here is what’s next!”, and “oh, okay!”, they get up –
And they go do it.
And I wonder, I really do, if perhaps they ARE happier than any of us will ever be, because if you don’t know that there’s MORE, and you have what is widely considered ‘a good and normal life’, then surely you’d be SATISFIED, at peace, if not patting yourself on the back for having DONE it right.
I wonder about this.
And I think, that for many OF The Others, this might be true. If this IS the case, I’m happy for them, because the whole point is not to have to live THIS life, the whole point is to do what fills you up and live the life YOU know you were born to live … that’s the way I see it.
So, if they’re happy, if they truly feel ‘done’, if as they sit there nothing beats itself against the walls of their mind an heart and soul SCREAMING at them and demanding to know if THIS IS ALL THERE IS, then –
I’m happy for them.
The thing is …
I remember.
I remember what it was like to be on track for ‘living the dream’.
At 25 I was married, making great money, had a badass apartment in the BEST neighbourhood, drove a BMS, traveled all the time, was living the dream!
We were talking about moving further out … having kids … building a life … and all I could feel was absolute
cold
hard
terror
And my soul shrieked at me, and demanded to know:
IS THIS ALL THERE IS?!
I looked to the future. Of the life I was building. And it scared me SO MUCH. But more importantly, or relevantly to our story and to YOU, was the fact that I KNEW –
NO.
FUCK no.
THIS is not all there is.
So I might have sat there, sit sit sitting around in my somewhat normal and SUCCESSFUl life, waiting waiting waiting for the years to pass and the hurdles to BE passed, but I knew.
I fucking KNEW.
When that marriage ended, my husband wondered how he didn’t see it coming.
“All I had to do was look at the FUCKING BOOKSHELF!”, he said.
‘Authentic Happiness’
‘Change Your Life in 30 Days’
‘Change Your Thinking, Change Your Life’
And of course, always, since day one –
‘Flow’
(where it all began, in a way, for me, with this book …)
And every other possible tome you can imagine around happiness
purpose
passion
and living a different life
The thing is –
Even when, for a while, I did a decent job of wearing the mask of The Others, it never FIT me, and it sure as all get out never felt like I actually WANTED it to.
I might ‘show up’ for the things I’d agreed to in my life at that time –
But I wasn’t there.
I was wandering
Through a thousand planets and places
Living atop the Faraway Tree
Traveling to places I designed in my mind
And dreaming
Of more
In ways I knew not how to POSSIBLY bring to life, or even where to start
I was a fantasist
My body would attend in the real world
My truth was always what was inside
And no matter how caught up I did indeed become, for a moment or two, in living like THEM, the truth is I always knew:
YES I’m a fantasist, an unrealistic dreamer, and most likely INSANE with the things I imagine I can have …
AND IT’S ALL REAL AND POSSIBLE.
I always knew.
If I sat down over coffee with you, and we talked about this, we might talk about fear and the relentlessness of it not working the way you want it to, the exhausting pain, at times, of pushing on, but when all is said and done, if I asked you if you just know –
There’s only one answer you can give, isn’t there?
You KNOW.
What is available.
What is possible.
That you don’t fucking HAVE to live the normal life.
AND YOU’VE ALWAYS KNOWN THIS.
Just as –
Some of THEM, they who I observe out and about in the real world, THEY KNOW.
They might sit there
I wonder at them
I’m fascinated by them
Sometimes I even wish I could feel what it would be like to BE them, for a minute, and not live with this CONSTANT KNOWLEDGE OF MORE
But for CERTAIN, there are those of them who are sitting there
Body in attendance
Soul traveling
And in between screaming
“Is this all there is?”
“HELP me”
“GET ME OUT OF HERE”
But, they won’t.
For the most part, they won’t …
It’s the most awful awful and sad thing, but it’s just how it is.
You and I though, WE ARE THE ONES WHO ARE DIFFERENT.
We are the ones who always KNEW we’d end up this way.
Always dreaming.
Always fantasising.
Always pushing.
Always DEMANDING more, and knowing we can damn well have it, too.
So when you look inside –
Or you catch yourself in a moment, wondering –
“AM I just crazy? Am I actually insane? Who the hell do I think I am, and anyway, HOW?”
– just remember
There’s nothing to be so dramatic about.
These are just the things you’ve always known.
Look back –
Think about the books you’ve owned.
The films you’ve been most drawn to.
The stories of others which have left you breathless.
The musings in your journal.
And most of all
The whispers of your soul which have ALWAYS BEEN THERE
It’s really not that complicated …
There’s no need to get so all up in a tizzy about whether, or how, or what anybody else has to say or think about it, or when …
It’s JUST HOW IT IS.
For you.
For me.
For the unrealistic ones.
For the dreamers.
For the crazy ones.
For the ones who have spent their lives knowing that more is available, but most of all?
For the ones who were actually prepared to walk away
From being or becoming one of THEM
And walk into the great unknown
Where we shall live out and end our days
The truth is you are never going to get to a point, not in THIS life, where you know everything you need to be doing, where it all makes sense, or where you are remotely even 1% DONE, with everything that is available.
The point is –
Getting to done was never the point.
And that is the key difference
Between being one of The Others
And being unable to NOT be
One of us.
Now –
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