CASTING OFF A SPIRIT OF DESPAIR
It’s been 126 days since I have seen the man I’ve fallen in love with.
126 days, no foreseeable end in sight, and frankly? I’m getting kind of done.
I realised last week, the acknowledgement of which somehow pushed me over a bit of an edge I was already teetering on, because it just made it feel so much more REAL, that it’s also been the longest time in my life that I’ve gone without seeing my parents, and my brothers and their families. Since last Christmas now.
Ugh.
I don’t want to write this post for the exact same reasons that I didn’t want to dump a massive long audio message and follow on series of woe is me texts on my guy this morning, but I’m going to write it for the same reasons I did that, which is plain and simple, and same as usual:
Nonetheless, here are the thoughts I berate myself with, when I feel upset, weary, just so tired of it all, or worried about everything I imagine I need to worry about –
– How dare you feel this way Kat? Tons of people haven’t seen their families in WAY longer than that, or they don’t even still have their parents or siblings here on earth! 6 or 7 months is not that long, toughen up!
– You’re being weak. Toughen TF up. And, letting it all out on X (my amazing man!) just makes you look like a mess. Insecure, needy, falling apart, and not like the strong upbeat ‘can and does create anything she wants’ woman he fell in love with.
– Millions and trillions of people have it way worse than you. Screw you and your first world problems, keep ’em to yourself and don’t make ’em more real by voicing them, besides which, it IS your job to clear and shift that shit, and be bigger than it.
It’s equally hilarious and horrible to me to admit that even after a month or two of X leaving Australia, which was right in the week Corona shit blew up and so he hasn’t been able to get back since, I was already finding it endless.
“By July it will be over!”, we thought. Or at least that travel would be possible.
Meanwhile, a month or so ago Aussies thought that within weeks we’d be able to travel interstate to see family and friends again, and now – well, Victoria (where my fam are) is the state that no other state wants near it and there seems to be no end in sight.
Daily, worldwide almost, the media warns us not to expect an end anytime soon to any of it, and those of us who think a certain way are also walking around probably thinking WAY too much about all the things we expect to happen and indeed are already seeing happen as far as what a ‘return to normal’ will require us to give up, accept, normalise, or have jabbed into us.
Can’t do won’t do, but that’s another story 🙂
Earlier this week, at my weekly church lifegroup meeting I go to, which is truly one of the MOST amazing things in my life, and I value love and adore it and the people there so much, somebody brought up the word despair.
People are starting to feel despair.
Those of us who still have it pretty damn good – which is most definitely those of us here where I live – feel equally blessed but also concerned and also sad and worried for the people we know who are in parts of the country or world where shit is seriously going down, and we remind ourselves DAILY how damn lucky we are.
It feels wrong to say I feel down sometimes, it feels weak, uncaring, uncompassionate, selfish, and more.
I don’t want to acknowledge that I’ve had a spirit of despair and hopelessness knocking on the door to my heart, trying to get in.
I want to be stronger than, bigger than, more certain than, everything, always!
And I feel like I SHOULD be, that my job is to, I dunno, hold the world together for everyone else?? Haha. Jesus complex much? lol, I know – I really should get over myself a little.
The thing is,
No matter how strong you are and how many people depend on or look to you as a source of inspiration or strength, YOU are always allowed to be human.
And in your humanness, in allowing it and yes even leaning in to it, you also allow yourself to shift,
and in fact you become MORE of that messenger for others.
So here is what I know, in my humanness:
It is okay for me to feel weary.
It is okay for me to feel down.
It is okay for me to despair at times at the endlessness of it all.
It is okay for me to feel my OWN worries and insecurities even as I know that there are so much bigger concerns in the world than mine, and that I have it pretty damn good, and so much to be grateful for.
It is okay for me to feel like I want to cry for my Mum and Dad, like a little kid, and just want to go visit them now and I hate that I can’t, hate that my kids haven’t seen their grandparents in so long, or cousins, and me my brothers and their wives and kids too!
I’m SO FUCKING OVER ALL OF IT.
It is okay for me want to cry myself to sleep sometimes at how full on it is to be in love with someone you can’t SEE (well, aside from the hours a day typically on video messages or facetime haha).
It is okay for me to think it’s next level bullshit to be planning a life with someone I’ve no idea when I can be with again! Are we going to end up having to have Zoom babies?!
It is okay for me want to rage and scream and shake my fist at God, because what kind of ridiculous bullshit trick is it that I finally meet THE man, the man he had in store for me, the one who is everything and a million times over beyond even my WILDEST imagination or desire of what a man could be, and what a ‘we’ could be, and now we are oceans apart … for God knows how long … and hopefully God does know!!
I know he does 🙂
IT IS OKAY FOR ME, AND FOR YOU, INDEED FOR ALL OF US, TO BE HUMAN AF.
All emotions and energy states have a purpose.
And,
refusing to feel what you’re feeling is a great way to GET to continue to experience the same freakin’ feeling or lesson over and over again!
Which brings me to my point, and my point is this:
Being human is allowed, and there is nothing wrong or bad or even weak about feeling all the fall apart and wanna wail on the floor things.
BUT,
Being a God and soul led human who operates from a beyond normal paradigm also comes with responsibility, and one of those responsibilities, which I realise I get to now go deeper in to, is this:
Where does peace come from?
Where does inner strength come from?
Where does faith come from?
Where does the ability to get through, keep going, NOT just keep going, but do so with purpose, and in such a way that you are of benefit to yourself and to others come from?
Where does soul certainty come from?
Where does the ability to CAST OFF A SPIRIT OF DESPAIR OR WEARINESS OR HOPELESSNESS COME FROM?
God.
The Holy Spirit.
Connectedness to Him.
AND,
to you.
The thing is,
I am one of the best people I know at being able to reframe things, shift my energy, CHOOSE my focus, vibe, you name it.
I know and see and am EXCITED for all the VERY many positives that come from this time, this test, this ‘new normal’.
I see the incredible ways in which X and I are building a foundation for our relationship that is so damn deep and hell yes on communication and trust that it transcends what most people even build in a lifetime.
I see the beautiful ways in which I am creating a different way of connection and being during this time for myself and my children.
I see all the incredible positives for business, for opportunity to serve, to create, to expand.
I’m aware, and have been the whole time aware, of all the GREAT, incredible, and THANK YOU SO MUCH GOD stuff which is coming from all of this.
No need to tell me the other ways to look at it all, ’cause most of the time I ONLY feel those good things, and I pretty much instantly put aside the contracted things when they pop up.
But,
yes.
Sometimes I am extra human.
And sometimes I think that’s okay.
Because in allowing ourselves to acknowledge our weakness, perceived weakness, or where we ‘could or should’ be better,
Back to purpose.
Back to God.
And back to admitting that at any time, no matter what, we ALWAYS have the opportunity to lean even deeper into surrender,
into trust,
and into Him.
Yes you can acknowledge a spirit of despair, of fear, whatever.
But no,
you don’t ever have to accept it as there to stay.
God is always there to take it from you.
And to connect you back to truth.
So,
whatever you need to let go of today, let go.
You’ve got this .
He’s got this.
It’s okay to scream and shout and cry.
And then RUN RUN RUN back into your mission.
The messy awesome exhilarating job of being you,
and living the life you came here to do.
Whatever that looks like today.
Tomorrow.
Repeat.
The End.
Amen.
That’s all.
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