I’ve spent a lot of time, a lot of my life, feeling as though something is wrong with me because I need so much time alone, and I often just don’t ‘do well’ with people, nor with the sorts of activities and events that most of said people seem to love.
From way back when I was 8 or 9 years old and would spend at least half of my school play breaks hiding in a bush with a book, to when I was in my late teens and early twenties and used to absolutely force myself to go to clubs or dance parties with my friends, HATING being there and so uncomfortable, but feeling like I should TRY, because obviously the issue was ME and my overtly introvert ways, to NOW when somebody suggests something like going to a festival, or a dance party, or the shopping mall, or, well, pretty much anywhere that will have a lot of people and be noisy, and I just think GOD –
I couldn’t imagine anything worse – !
There’s never really been a time when I’ve felt normal. This is of course on the one hand something I’m supremely happy about! But on the other hand, sometimes I find myself genuinely worried about just how HUGE my need to be alone, or to recover from being with others is.
Yesterday, for example, I needed about 3 solid hours of pretty much just laying on the couch (and reading a little) to recover from having spent most of the day NOT in my own little bubble.
I was still doing my own stuff … my own creative work for my business … but I was not as in control of my environment as usual, working from the Mercedes dealership and then the shopping mall next to it while my car was being serviced.
Something about having maybe just ONE too many people try and interact with me (meaning … uh … look at me while I’m trying to write, because the Merc people know me and are friendly and want to say hi … lol), coupled with the air-conditioning, and then the Christmas carols playing at the mall and then all the people just … PEOPLING … and feeling like I couldn’t really ‘escape’ because I wanted to wait for my car … it all just came together to tip me over the edge mid-way through the day.
I’m talking of course about the every-day ups and downs of being an empath, and if you’re one too then you already recognised that probably in my first paragraph!
If you’re NOT one (and estimates are that only 1% of people are, although more like 15-20% have a lot of our traits and are considered highly sensitive people), then you probably just think I’m being, well, a bit sensitive.
And you’d be right.
It’s because I’m a BIT SENSITIVE. I have what could be called an anxiety-prone or nervous disposition. I kind of hate to say that, but one thing I’m trying on for size – only recently, which is crazy! – is the idea that that doesn’t make me WEAK or weak-willed, and it’s not a bad thing.
It’s part and parcel of being somebody who can feel and FULLY read all people around them … who knows things always before they happen … who has a high level of access to intuitive knowledge and wisdom, not just her own but freakin’ everybody’s, including the entire collective … (imagine continually processing the emotions of EVERYBODY, because you automatically just absorb and read them, without even trying!) … who has a lot of other-worldly and other realm abilities which are largely not recognised, understood, or appreciated in polite society!
No wonder I’ve never fit in with polite society
Yesterday, when I felt that tipping point, I was in the mall, at my laptop writing, and it just suddenly all became too much. The damn PEOPLE, all the COLOURS, all the artificial stuff (empaths need nature), and the freakin’ CAROLS. WHY WERE THEY TRYING TO PERSONALLY TORMENT ME WITH THE CAROLS?!
I wanted to go to Nespresso for my favourite Ristretto pods, and it was only about a 4 minute walk from where I was sitting, but I was physically and emotionally absolutely NOT able to.
I know you know what I mean, if you’re one of us; if you’re like me.
I knew that if I went, it could trigger a proper anxiety attack, or simply result in an overwhelming desire to run run run and possibly end up back at that old-favourite of so many sensitive ones – binge eating.
So, I left.
Do not pass Go, do not collect $200.
Eyes down eyes down eyes down so people can’t see me and impart their energy and emotion (mostly frazzled, chaotic, or just sad and NOT high-vibe!) into me.
I went into the garden outside the mall, and made an audio for my #RichFromYourSoulWork peeps, talking about anxiety a little, and about how my whole business has been created by means of me simply doing what I need to do for ME, in order to survive, and stay sane, and be a functional human when you’re more like an alien, compared with most people!
It’s truly how I’ve built this empire … I’ve slowly but surely taken all the REQUIRED survival tools of being me, and monetized the fuck out of ’em. Aka – I got rich from my soul work, but more than that – from my soul NEEDS!
It was nice to be in the garden … but the damn Carols were still piping through (I SWEAR they were trying to mess with me!) … and there was at least 5 other people within 100 yards of me. One of them even LOOKED at me.
Too much. I was starting to struggle to breathe properly, just slightly, you know how it goes, and DESPERATELY feeling that restless need to get away.
I had a call to take, and was going to suck it up and stay in the garden, but then suddenly both the shopping centre wifi AND my phone data refused to work. This was unsurprising on two levels:
1) Empaths screw with electronics, our energy current is abnormally high which is why our devices often mess up way more often than most people, or lights can flicker when we enter a room, or technology just … stops.
2) The soul me knew I had to get OUT of there, so obviously my higher self manifested wifi and data failure
Guess where I ended up, for my call?
Down a little side alley of the car park of the Gold Coast’s fanciest and most beautiful shopping mall, sitting on the concrete with my tripod set up in front of me, designer handbag and various other expensive bits and bobs on my person … under a bush.
Feeling that finally I could BREATHE again, a little.
It makes me smile, because it seems like 30 years on, not much has changed. I may have a business that is by most people’s standards supremely successful, I can go anywhere and do anything but a HELLUVA lot of the time where I want to go is AWAY TO BE BY MYSELF.
And what I want to DO is, well –
Like right now, sitting for hours in bed this morning with my coffee and journal and laptop, and FULLY going within before I dare to face the world. When I don’t do MY stuff each day … or when it is infringed upon by too much peopling, or noise, or chaos, or just a day that is over-crowded … I do not cope well.
I become cagey.
Restless in the extreme.
Panicky, if I don’t manage to rectify the situation.
NOT the best version of me as a mother, either, and this in particular is one of the things which bothers me most, in accepting who I am, and how high my needs to BE INSIDE OF MY OWN SELF are.
I feel like it’s wrong or bad that I struggle to cope as a Mum if I haven’t had ‘my time’. It’s VERY hard for me to be present, engage, never mind happy, content, if I haven’t first filled my cup, or had that critical ‘detox’ time after being out all day, for example.
It feels like other Mums … those not like us … truly seem to be okay with managing without their own time and space. I don’t mean they don’t want or crave it. But we literally can’t COPE when we don’t have it.
Then, partners or other people who don’t get it, as well as our own self, criticise or judge that. We come off as lazy, or disinterested, or selfish, when really we’re just trying to BREATHE, survive, charge ourselves so that we can then be with other people and show up as we want to.
I can’t sit here and say I’ve figured all of this out, because I haven’t.
I often wish I could be more ‘on’, more of the time, as a Mum. I’m still finding my way there. But I know for sure, that GOD –
If I didn’t have the business I have, whereby literally EVERY THING I DO THAT GROWS MY COMPANY REVENUE AND MY ONLINE AUDIENCE IS SOMETHING THAT FEEDS MY SOUL –
I don’t know what would have become of me.
I am SO fortunate, and grateful, and also proud of myself, for allowing myself to create a business and life that first and foremost feeds and fills my soul.
It means that, while I may spend the whole day ‘working’ while the kids are at school, what I’m actually doing, mostly (shopping mall horrors aside!) is this right here.
Channeling a message.
Downloading things which I create for you, both free and paid.
Being able to EXHALE, through what I say, share, sell, provide.
The whole entire thing has just been sculpted around what I need for ME … what I need in order to then be able to BE in human-ing mode at other points in the day!
And even as a Mum (for example), I take so many lessons from this, from how I’ve created my business, in order to help me be who I desire to be with my children.
Such as – activities and learning together that by their nature recharge ALL of us, because my children are also (unsurprisingly) very other-worldly, and have similar needs to me.
And I guess why I’m writing this is … well, firstly, because it came out. That’s always the best reason 🙂
But also because I want you to know I see you.
I feel you. (Literally, lol).
You’re not alone, in your need to escape, to be away, to just BE.
And if I can build a multi-million dollar empire that not only ALLOWS this but also in fact DEPENDS upon it, and requires me to be me and to fill my own cup continually, then SO CAN YOU!
Life is Now. Press Play.
Write. Speak. Sell The Class of 2019 is HERE!!
And it’s time to bring your true message to the world, no more waiting, no more readying, time to recognise you were worthy the whole damn time!
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You don’t have to be a “writer” or “speaker” in order to write and speak to sell but you DO have to understand how to use your words to compel people to take immediate ACTION. And if you ARE a writer, speaker, creator, already?? Time to gear that shit up 😉
Either way, you do have to finally say yes to letting what’s in you out, and to determinedly learning how to take it to the world in a way which IMPACTS, and also which allows YOU to get to where you’re meant to go.