I STILL SOMETIMES FEEL THAT THE REAL ME ISN’T GOOD ENOUGH
For so long, more than what I can possibly remember or ever understand, I was scared of showing my true magic to the world.
Maybe it was that I didn’t really even know what my magic was, and that was a pretty real reason, I suppose, to not be able to show it, but really?
Let’s get real now –
Do you know how often I fucking think this, feel this, still?! Too often to possibly ever say or recount. JUST LAST NIGHT I had two situations come up in which I felt like I couldn’t be true to myself, be honest, really, because what if that wasn’t appropriate, or okay, or what if it made me unworthy, unwanted, rejected, what if it PROVED to me my deepest fears, which are that if I lay myself naked –
And bare –
And show exactly who I am, nothing added, or taken, nothing to prove, and not a single jot of conforming or compromising away from alignment and truth, that, well, what I’ll find?
Is it’s just not enough.
I’m just not enough.
Not worth being wanted, not worth being loved, not worth being seen.
I think that if we’re honest … if you’re honest … as I find myself being today, feeling even more vulnerable and willing to expose my soul than normal … we all have a fear that runs deep which is something along the lines of what I just shared.
ACCEPTANCE, and being part of the tribe, is not only one of the deepest human desires, it’s also essential for fucking survival! It’s a basic need and it goes well beyond just having a cool crew to hang with – it’s about the fact that, on a physiological level, if you have nobody else around and with and for you, your chances of DYING are higher. You’re not safe. And so you better fucking sort that shit out!
How this translates with business, with what we do in this online space, with putting yourself out there, is simple –
No matter how committed you are to truth, to fully showing up, to standing in your unapologetically extra POWER, there is always SOME element of wanting to fit in, be accepted, liked, understood.
If you say you don’t give a fuck what anybody thinks, guess what? You’re lying. I don’t mean you can’t choose to act from a PLACE of not giving a fuck, and maybe you have! I make this choice continually, what it means to me really is that I give SO much of a fuck about my truth, my message, and living in accordance with soul, that I maintain a discipline of CHOOSING to not allow giving a fuck about what anybody has to say or think to influence my actions.
But that don’t mean I don’t feel it, notice it, or even that there’s not, from time to time, some sort of mild or more slipping –
A little here, a little there, or maybe just one big area in particular where you find it EXTRA FUCKING SCARY to be fully who you are.
Maybe you can relate? Or maybe you’re so damn extra cool that you truly never ever ever care what people think? Oh yeah … I’ll see your ‘no fucks given’ memes and fuck you selfies and I’ll raise you one case of YOU’RE STILL FUCKING HUMAN BABY, and your survival instincts are a lil more powerful than your need to look cool on Facebook.
But! Maybe you truly have it all figured out, and you NEVER act from a place of conformity or anxiety or even the slightest little adjustment of what you would say or share if you were being FULLY you, FULLY honest, FULLY in your power? In which case, I’m not entirely sure why you’re reading this, shouldn’t you be off in a lab being tested somewhere?!
I mentioned that I had two situations yesterday in which I had to acknowledge that my fear of ME BEING FULLY ME IS NOT GOOD ENOUGH, or will cause some sort of bad or scary consequence.
Actually, there’ve been a helluva lot more than two of these sorts of situations of late. Gosh! The past week or so has been a whirlwind of staring naked in the mirror of life and having to make insanely tough choices to act from truth, or to acknowledge places where I was hiding or essentially showing up in a way which somebody who is SCARED OF NOT BEING ENOUGH would.
If I knew I was enough –
If I knew me just being me was enough –
If I knew that I am worthy of love, acceptance, receiving, in all areas, without adding ANYTHING to who I am at my core, and just because “I am”, then –
Well then –
What would I know I have to say right now? Do? Express? Show? STOP doing? Stand up for? Or rail against?
These are just a few of the questions I’ve asked myself on this journey, you know the one; the journey which never ends?!
(And just quietly, how fucking grateful can we be for that, huh?!)
Last night, over dinner with my Inner Circle private clients, a few of us had a frank conversation around why one of these badass ladies had wanted to leave, and stop working with me, a few months back.
“I just felt like the answer was that I needed to maybe pull back, do less, rest … and that you were demanding going more IN all the time”, she said. I’m paraphrasing wildly. But essentially the reason was she felt like my way was the TOO MUCH way, and that the answer was to pull back, and so she should leave.
Let’s be clear – while a lot of people think I’m all about the hustle and working my ass off, it’s actually not that way at all in terms of the PRACTICAL work. The way I run this thang, and the way I teach my clients, is the flow and ease way, and if you followed me round for a week you’d see my entire LIFE is built around saying yes to my soul. Manis and pedis and hair and fun and play oh yes! Or, whatever the soul wants
But the work … the REAL work, of looking at yourself naked in the mirror every fucking day and being confronted with the REALITY of where you’re not saying yes to all that you are, and the truth about what you know you must do to BE all that you are, that’s some shit I don’t shy away from.
And I expect the same of my clients. Not that I would, or could, ever tell anybody what to do, but the reality of working with me is I am relentlessly in your fucking face just by virtue of EXISTING! I don’t have to do or say anything, I shine a STRONG fucking light.
Often, it’s too much for people. Typically when people leave or stop working with me or following me, it’s because they can no longer handle the relentlessness of knowing that day after day they’re NOT being who they’re fully meant to be, and I’m a constant infuriating reminder of that!
So, they exit, stage left, and often don’t speak to me again for a few years. After which they come back and tell me all of this, which is how I know it. Also I know ’cause I can read you like a book, even without speaking to you
So my client, this client who obviously decided to stay, and now flew from the US to be here on the Gold Coast for our retreat, I said to her last night at dinner –
“I HATED that you wanted to leave. I was so frustrated by it! Previously, in some cases when people have left the Inner Circle, I knew it was aligned. I knew that our work together had run its course, and it was with blessing and certainty and love that I said goodbye to those people in terms of that level of relationship. It was as it should be. But with you … and with one other person who DID actually leave, when I knew it was just avoidance of being who she really was that was the issue, and I still feel sad about the fact she left … I just KNEW you’re meant to fucking stay.”
“Why didn’t you TELL me then?!”
I stared at her over my cocktail and edamame.
For the past 2 days, I let the message flow without pause, 16 hours or so a day including evening shenanigans. At no point, ever actually, with clients – or kinda anyone! – am I lost for words.
But in this moment, I was blank.
“Well … I guess … (and I was kinda SQUIRMING in the chair!) … I don’t know, that would feel – inappropriate?”
In my mind I was trying to figure it out, and what was coming up was – if somebody said that they want to stop working with me and I said “I think you’re wrong and should stay!”, that it kinda makes me look like I just want to save the sale or something? Or, as I said to her and the other ladies listening – it’s like breaking up with someone and the other one says, no, you can’t leave! Haha. Which just on a side note I think I may have done once … but I did it because I believed it was not right for it to end, and I was willing to say that!
So why wasn’t I willing to say that with this client, when she nearly left? Why DIDN’T I say it with the one person who did leave the Inner Circle so far who I KNEW shouldn’t?
Flat out, because deep down I worry I’m not good enough / worthy of acceptance, and how that plays out in THIS situation is, well, I don’t wanna look like I HAVE to keep you as a client.
I was compromising my integrity for fear of not being accepted, without even realising it!
Let me tell you – it is an INCREDIBLE thing to have clients who will straight up tell you what YOU need to hear! I’m so grateful for these women in my life!
I shared this with her, with the table, and what she said kinda floored me –
“Well, I would have wanted you to tell me. I wish you had, because I would have believed you. I would never have thought you’re doing it for money, because I respect you and know you never would do that, you have too much integrity for that. I would have believed you can see what I can’t see because you’ve been there before me”.
Honestly, I was pretty stunned by this. Partly I though – well, if somebody wants to stop working with me, doesn’t that mean they do NOT think so highly of me anymore?! What an interesting story I now realise I’ve created there! Because obviously in THIS case at least it was about her own avoidance of self … and deep down I know that that’s typically the reason … it did not mean she’d suddenly decided she didn’t like me!
And as for the rest of it, well DUH – of COURSE I should have been calling my client on it, because she’s right – I have been there before, and that’s why I understood what was going on! Instead, I felt frustrated at knowing the real reason but let myself believe it would be wrong or bad to tell HER it, because my ego was saying – ‘then she’ll think you’re just trying to retain the sale!’.
SO fucking eye-opening!
And suffice to say, lesson learned. From that moment forward I get to go to a whole NEW level of tellin’ it like it is with my clients … which is certainly saying something … and also makes me realise with a little sigh that this will no doubt result in me repelling even MORE people.
So, that was one thing, one situation from yesterday in which my feeling of me just being me is not enough BLOCKED me from my truth, and my power.
The other one was much more intimate, too intimate to share all the details, involving a man, and the sudden opportunity to step into a space of feeling completely safe, and heard, in expressing what I was available for, or needed.
Something happened, and I found myself quickly smoothing it over, “no, no, it’s fine, I’m fine!”, when really I was not fine, but the little girl inside of me felt scared that if I said what I was really feeling, I would then be a nuisance.
Or simply, not of use.
It’s SO crazy, how the mind works, don’t you think?
And he, he totally called me on it. Read exactly what the situation was, and basically put his hand up and said NO – you’re not okay, and I’m not okay with you being not okay, even a little bit.
INSTANTLY, almost impossibly quickly, I felt hot tears streaming down my face, and I realised with shock –
When did I last feel that I am REALLY allowed to say what I’m feeling, or that what I’m available or not available for or what I NEED, is okay, or worth being heard, or that a man WANTS to hear it in that situation?
I don’t even remember.
And I hadn’t even realised, that hey hey – THAT’S FUCKING RIDICULOUS. Why would I not always and ONLY honour what is true for me?
Answer, served up happily from my higher self as I let the tears stem –
Because I’ve been scared of not being good enough, if I lay myself bare (so to speak, I don’t mean scared of being seen naked physically, I’m quite okay with that haha), and say –
This is me.
What’s NOT AT ALL FUCKING FUNNY OR CURIOUS, is that the SECOND he said that to me, not only did I start crying silently, but also –
I noticed something within me open up, release, GIVE, in a way that I just thought I had some kind of block or problem around!
Highlighting the fact that the only damn block was NOT FEELING SAFE OR HEARD!
SO much wow, let me tell you.
And so here is where I want to close this today.
And for me.
Because we BOTH know I could go on for thousands of words, and thousands of tears, and thousands of years, too!
So, instead, just this –
Where are you still scared of not being good enough, if you lay yourself bare, and say –
“This is me”?
And how would it change things for you RIGHT FUCKING NOW if instead you decided to stand up –
Step up –
Nothing to prove.
And telling you –
This is me.
And then tell me –
You KNOW you gotta go live it
Don’t forget –
Life is Now. Press Play.
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