THE BULLSHIT CONVERSATIONS OF THE CRAZY VOICES INSIDE MY HEAD

Yoga chatter, and calming the crazy fear mind 

Ugh, I so don’t want to be here. Why am I here? I don’t want to be here! This is going to SUCK! I always find these 90 minute classes so hard, I know I’m going to feel at some point like I REALLY want to get out. Why did I come?! I just want to get to the flow bit!

I do NOT like my body. Why do I look like this when I’ve been working so hard? I’m all SOFT. This is so annoying! What am I doing wrong? Surely I should look perfect by now!

reminder –
release
the outcome
and maybe – ! the only thing you need to let go of –
is the idea that you need to let go of something

let it go let it go let it go
let what go? I don’t know!
huh, maybe I did just let it go 

OMG, I HATE this teacher already. She is deliberately trying to annoy me for sure. I can tell. How many freaking reps of the breathing do we need to do, we must be up to 50 by now! Mannnnn … we’re only just getting started.

Those two over there are definitely judging me. They’re wondering why I’m so puffy looking for sure. They look infuriatingly smarmy. Look at them staring only into their own eyes.

Fuck.
That’s what I should be doing.

(You know you’re going to / slip into flow / in a moment.
Stay the course, Kat … this is why you come here. The mind will quieten, soon enough …)

Did I just find a PIMPLE in my hairline? Why the fuck do I have a pimple?!

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….

I can’t handle it, I need to get out of this room to check the pimple STAT!

(return to the practice. be the practice. you are the practice)

I am SO full of shit.
I should write a blog after this about ‘do you actually believe your own bullshit?’
Maybe I should write it with just lowercase for the header, not all caps like I usually do. Pattern interrupt.

Freakin’ focus!!

Hmmmm … but it’s a good blog idea. Look at ME, after all. Telling myself a story that I can’t go deeper in this posture. Of COURSE I can. I’m not even giving 80% right now! Lean INTO the pain. Be the pain. I am the pain.

Agh, you just flaked out on it again at the last minute. Isn’t it fascinating how the mind just repeatedly tries to avoid discomfort?

I am this practice.
I feel myself becoming this practice.
I am so damn GRATEFUL for this practice.

(I can’t fucking believe we’re only up to the 3rd damn posture).

Sigh …

Seriously though, what if I actually have something wrong with my hormones? Why the FUCK am I so puffy lately?!

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Actually I’m really looking quite lean. I do love my body …

I love myself.
That’s actually true, even beneath all of this hoo-ha.
It’s nice to notice that.

(become the practice I am the practice)

Did she just say that directly to ME? Is she having a go at me? Just because I came out a little early?!

Oh.
Yeah.
That’s just part of the script.
lol…

I think I like this teacher.

Maybe I need to cut out ALL carbs for a week, and see what that does with this fluid situation.

Maybe I should shut the fuck up and return to the practice!

Remind myself /
I would do this / 
Forever /
Regardless /
Of outcome!

And I do …

I’m like … SO so so so SO grateful to be here.

Where would I be, without this yoga in my life?

I am SO grateful I get to do this!

Quiet.
Quiet.
Quiet.
Flow.
Flow.
Flow.
I am my body.
I am my spirit.
I am my soul.
I am the yoga.
The yoga is me.
I think I quite like those two actually, maybe they weren’t being smarmy at all …

I’m so glad I came
I’m so glad I’m here
I’m so glad I get to do this
I learn so much about myself here
I think my body is perfect, actually …
And I’m exactly where I need to be
As in yoga,
So in life

I wonder if I would understand tenacity in business, as well as I do, without working through all of THIS every time I enter the room!

I wonder if people will ever really get that the whole damn point of life is to just –
be in the room, and not leave

I’m proud of myself for being in the room,
Every day,
Noticing my shit,
Continuing on anyway,
And never leaving
And ALWAYS returning for more

Final posture
Final breath
Stillness

And on leaving, the teacher –

“What a strong practice you have; have you been practicing for long? You were so focused!”

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