AND THEN I JUST DECIDED TO BE GOOD ENOUGH …
Sometimes I think that the thing which really drives me, more than anything, is the need to prove myself as being good enough, cool enough, smart enough, just ENOUGH, in general.
Can you relate? Do you ever feel as though you’re in some sort of never-ending quest to prove your right to EXIST? Because that’s what it is really, this thing of trying to prove you’re enough and that people should finally ACCEPT you, validate you, and maybe just maybe even NEED you!
When I first realised this was one of my own big drivers, a few years back, I felt a bit sorry for myself. Poor inner child who grew up not cool, and continually feeling unworthy!! Not that I’m making fun of that now, mind you. It WAS something that was hard as a kid. I was CONSTANTLY trying to prove myself and there were plenty of reasons why I was genuinely fighting a losing battle!! I was the school square … easily ahead of everybody academically … really REALLY shy and socially awkward … terrible at sports and always picked last (I was good at solo sports mind you, but not team ones and definitely not ones requiring co-ordination!! Still not great in that area!) … and I always had what can only be called WEIRD clothes and school lunches.
Plus my family was (is) overtly Christian and everybody knew about it!!
Talk about cards stacked against you in the cool zone 🙂. Of course now I see that even as a kid I could have chosen my positioning and how I presented myself to the world, but it wasn’t something inherent to me to do so and I certainly wasn’t receiving any learning or influence on the matter along the way, so I didn’t. But in the end, who you are is always and ONLY up to you and there’s not a single circumstance which can dictate whether other people accept you or think of you as ‘cool’ or essentially WORTHY except whether YOU think of yourself as being so.
And THAT, my fellow badass messenger, artist, visionary, creator, LEADER –
Is a choice.
Don’t forget that!
I don’t know if you can relate to how I grew up, maybe you were the coolest rebel kid on the block. I can’t relate to THAT but I’ll bet it comes with its own set of insecurities as well.
Either way, if you’re here following me and reading this, maybe some part of you can resonate with this:
I always knew I was going to come out on top.
It was more than just a want or a determination and even though the whole ‘need to prove myself’ thing was a big part of it, it was more still than that.
It was a KNOWINGNESS.
I knew I was born for more.
And without obviously being able to express it at the time, I also always knew I was born to make millions.
Impact millions.
And maybe even change the world.
I knew I had a purpose and a destiny and a message to share and that I was going to be rich and famous and heard and seen and INFLUENCE people to step the fuck up and press play.
You too?
Cool … thought so!!
So the truth is … even though I really wanted to be COOL in school and do / wear / eat / say the right stuff … I always kinda knew that I was just biding my time.
Growing up wasn’t my moment. But in a way I think I knew that it was PREPARING me for all I’d be, preparing me to know how to CHOOSE who I would be, and also, I gotta admit, the whole way through I felt partially removed.
I knew I was different from the other kids.
I intrinsically knew that their pathway was gonna be the normal one, and good luck to them, but that I?
Was going to be on a stage. That I was going to be the LEADER. And that one day I’d even be pretty enough, cool enough, socially switched ON enough, too 🙂
It’s so funny, isn’t it? Spooky, even, how we’ve ALWAYS known this was our pathway, before ever even hearing of said pathway and certainly long before there was any valid REASON to think we could create such an exceptional and different life. But that doesn’t make it any less true. It’s ALWAYS been inside of you, this yearning, this need, this sense of being an outsider, this knowingness that actually that’s a GOOD thing.
It’s just one reason I talk about being BORN for it.
Sorry, but if you can’t relate to what I just wrote then you’re just playing at being an entrepreneur, a leader, a messenger, maybe because you got sick of living the normal life and decided to do the work, for yourself and your family, to create a better income, a better way, a better life.
Good for you. I’m not opposed to that, by any means! These days, ANYONE can make 6-figures online if they’re willing to hustle, and why the hell wouldn’t you when the alternative is working for others and being TOLD how to live your fucking life.
But that doesn’t make you born for it, does it?
That doesn’t make you ONE of us.
I know for a FACT that those who are my true tribe get every.single.thing I just wrote. The constant feeling that there has to be more, that I don’t want to live the normal life, that I was BORN for more and God damn it no matter WHAT my circumstance I’m gonna go on out there and figure it OUT.
And so you did, and you do.
And so I did, and I do.
And so here we are.
Still figuring it out, we’ll never be done figuring it out!
But also –
When I think of that awkward, shy, uncool, TOO smart girl who so wanted to fit in and be accepted (whilst also absolutely never wanting to be one of the pack and knowing she was gonna rule the whole thing eventually haha!), when I think of the fact that a large part of my DRIVE did indeed come as much from a need to prove myself and GET cool enough, well, I USED to feel sorry for myself.
Poor little Katrina … never felt good enough … gotta prove my right to exist … let me “WORK” on that block!
The thing with blocks is, not that I’m opposed to noticing and RELEASING them, is that for as long as you choose to work on them or think about needing to work on them or go LOOKING for them?
You’ll find ’em. And you’ll continue to fucking WORK.
I did all that for a few years, but meanwhile I kept on a’hustlin’ and PROVING my worth, and maybe there WAS a negative driver to that, but so the fuck WHAT ’cause it got me to HERE, and eventually I realised:
My past, the stuff I felt I wanted to stamp out of myself or prove NOT true?
That MADE me.
And I can look at the need to prove myself as a BAD thing …
Or I can actively embrace it and turn it to my advantage.
I’m SO FUCKING GLAD I didn’t grow up thinking that just EXISTING and going with the flow, was enough.
I’m SO FUCKING GLAD I grew up always wanting to DO more, BE more, CREATE more.
I’m SO FUCKING GLAD that I long ago learned the lesson that actually if I just DECIDED to be, and then acted accordingly, I could be ANYBODY!
This morning, 30 minutes ago, as I walked into the breakfast cafe with the kids, and felt this post start to bubble out of me before we’d even sat down, I was thinking about how much I am still driven to never stop PUSHING, because I’ve so much still to prove. Whenever I think about NOT going all in for a day I feel that pressure from decade ago eating at me from the inside.
I want to be SEEN.
I want to be HEARD.
I want to be ACCEPTED (whilst also being completely fucking unique)
I want to be COOL enough, GOOD enough, WORTHY enough, yes.
I NO LONGER SEE THIS AS A BAD THING.
I was BORN to be seen and heard and to unleash and to IMPACT you and thank fucking GOD the need for it is as inherent to me as the blood and bones which make up my physical being.
Don’t you think?
One more thing I’ll leave you with –
When I was 8 years old I changed schools.
I remember thinking:
Nobody knows me here, I can be WHOEVER I WANT and they’ll BELIEVE me.
Well, the socially inept girl back then didn’t know how to do that and so it didn’t take 🙂 I continued on as super smart / super uncool 🙂
But when I was about 32 years old, and I realised that all this stuff I’d always dreamt of, about being made for more, knowing my pathway was a POWERFUL one, knowing I was meant to be rich and famous and change the world, was not going to HAPPEN unless I DECIDED for it to happen, I remember thinking, about the internet, and the world:
Nobody really knows me here. I can be WHOEVER I WANT and they’ll BELIEVE me.
And then I did.
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