ON THE DAYS WHEN I DOUBT MYSELF

On the days when I doubt myself I can sit here for endless time, my heart heavy and my limbs weak, and my shoulders slumped as I think about all of the reasons why I should not write, today.

The stuff I write is so repetitive … maybe I should write less often, and try to have a bigger impact with each piece? Maybe I’m just not getting to the PAIN that needs to really be there for a piece to stand out, for it to tug at you, pull at you, speak to you, CHANGE you.

And besides – I wrote twice yesterday, anyway. I don’t HAVE to write again this morning. I could take ONE FUCKING MORNING OFF, and that’s okay, that’s okay, nobody would JUDGE me for it.

(Except.
Of course.
For me).

On the days when I doubt myself I find myself wondering what is even the POINT, why IS it that I share these daily ramblings on Facebook? Who the hell do I think I am! I just found out somebody I really respect unfriended me, I realised I wasn’t seeing his posts anymore and went to check and of course I wonder what I ‘did’ or if it’s simply because I’m SO FUCKING ANNOYING with all my continual ra ra and hype and my long ranty posts.

On the days when I doubt myself I sit here –

And I stare into my coffee –

And I think:

I’m kidding myself, maybe? This whole idea of create every day, show up every day, unleash every day. This thought that I have that I am the BEST FUCKING WRITER IN THE WORLD, how insanely ARROGANT of me and perhaps I should be walking around actively thinking I am TERRIBLE, AWFUL, CLUMSY and I have SO much still to learn!

 

(But yet …

… Mohammad Ali said he was the best in the world … long before he was … he WROTE that freakin’ reality and lived into it!)

Still. I bet that everybody who follows me, or at least a good chunk of ’em, think I am INSANELY arrogant, deluded, crazy, and that’s probably why that guy unfriended me! I wouldn’t be surprised if there’s a whole behind the scenes of people talking about the deluded wannabe that is Katrina Ruth, laughing at me behind their hands at events or just from across the internet.

The truth is I’ve still never felt good enough, accepted, cool enough, one of them. My default is I expect people not to like me, I always have done. I definitely expect ‘cool’ people to not accept me. I am surprised when they often do.

And these are the things that haunt me, as I sit here, on a day when I doubt myself.

And with each second that passes I sink more into myself and I talk myself out of showing up, out of practicing what I preach, out of being who I SAID I came here to be.

On the days when I doubt myself I can almost believe –

I should shut down the whole thing.
Walk away, no RUN, and STOP THE LAUGHTER.
And go and work –
Perhaps –
In a bookstore.
In a town.
On the coast.
With a blanket.
And a cat.
And a quiet.
Safe.
Little.
Life.

But yet …

As I sit here –

And all of this passes over me and through me and I am slumped and my energy is low and perhaps I even will NOT go workout today maybe I should go back home (yes at 10am!) and have a NAP, something within me pulls at me –

Tugs at me –

Whispers to me –

No.
This isn’t what you actually believe Kat.

Firstly: you ARE going to show the fuck up anyway so drink your coffee and sit up straight and dig the fuck WITHIN and let SOMETHING out ANYTHING out no matter how AWFUL it is out because we ALL freakin’ know –

 

You are who you say you are and who you are is that you show the fuck UP.

And actually I think that those who don’t like me, if that’s even true and if they WOULD laugh at me, are in fact triggered by me.

And I am a light.
Shining TOO harsh at times in front of them, reminding them of who they’re NOT being, of where they’re NOT aligning.

So fuck it and GOOD. I’ll carry on…

And then: as for this thing of not being good enough not being worthy and maybe you SUCK, well actually?

You just don’t believe that.
And there it is.
And you can call it arrogant or deluded or INSANE, if you like, but there it fucking IS.
You believe you are the best.
Admit it.
You believe you were born to lead.
Remember that.
You believe you came here to unleash a fucking REVOLUTION and that unless you suddenly decide to WALK AWAY LIKE A SCARED LITTLE PANDA you ARE in fact going to do what you’ve always been gunna do and what you already DO do which is –

Quite simply –

To run this thing.
And run this thing.
And run this thing.

And perhaps –

On these days when you doubt yourself –

The answer –

Is to simply. Put pen to paper. Begin. Write about what you’re FEELING. As you preach. Show the fuck up ANYWAY. As you teach. Share the truth of what is REAL right now and that is ALL and that is ENOUGH and that is –

In fact –

The entire.
Fucking.
Point.

Isn’t it?

So on this day when you DOUBT yourself and you want to RUN and HIDE and surely it doesn’t MATTER if you skip one day and perhaps EVERYTHING YOU FEEL INSIDE OF YOU is BULLSHIT and you’re nothing nothing NOTHING and you’re just constructing a silly –

Little –
Girl –
FACADE of a life –

You PUT on your fucking anthem.
You DRINK your fucking coffee.
You GRIT your fucking teeth.
You PRACTICE what you preach.
You REMIND yourself of who you fucking are. And what you came here to do. And that nobody ever SAID it would be easy. And that FLOW freaking comes from STRUGGLE.

And you get.
To fucking.
Work.

On the days when I doubt myself.
I show up and write anyway.

For my art.
For my soul.
For you.
And simply?

 

Because I fucking COMMITTED, a very long time ago, that no matter what?

I’d never stop.

On the days when I doubt myself I simply look within.

And I write about it.

On the days when I doubt myself, I go to bed at night proud of myself because once again –

I stared into the eye of the beast –
And once again –

I didn’t let it EAT me.

And for another day, I stayed true to me.

And so I continue, on and on and when the struggle will end will be, perhaps, when I die.

So here we are.
And here am I.

And then?

I made this.

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