PRETENDING YOU EXIST

It’s so tiring, saying no to what’s inside of you, ignoring the burn of truth and fire and what you actually KNOW.

Living with one foot in this world, and the other itching furiously to go all the way into that, your gaze lost somewhere a million planets away as you smile blankly, forget for a moment to pretend to be normal, catch yourself drifting … and drifting … and then –

snap. Oh yes. That’s right. There are things to do. SO many things to do. I don’t have time for that!

It’s so tiring, so EXHAUSTING, such a drain of the very core of you, to press forward on creating success the way that one has invariably learned to create success.

Must … do the things.
Must … get it right.
Must … get ahead.
Must … get on top.
Must … stay there once there!
Must … make sure I’m thinking right.
Must … not miss anything.
Must … tick this box. And then that. Turn my head just so. A tilt to the left. Is that how the good girls do it, the successful girls, the yes girls? Oh, a small adjustment? Don’t worry. I’m on it!

It’s so TIRING, don’t you think? The perpetual putting off. Of allowing yourself to drop in. To connect in. To WANDER in. To see where you go. What you find you know. Where to run and where to slow. And all just –

led
directed
guided
composed
ORCHESTRATED

by something so much greater than you, something you allow to come through from you, something that was always available to you, but yet –

for all your fighting and all your doing and all your pushing and all your building and all your WERK,

bitch –

you never found your way to HERE.

Well, of course you didn’t.

Because you were waiting.

‘Waiting for a train to go or a busy to come,
or a plane to go or the mail to come,
or the rain to go or the phone to ring,
or the snow to snow or waiting around for a Yes or No
or waiting for your hair to grow’

just –

waiting.

Waiting to be ready to live your life.

Because here is the thing. And oh – !

WHAT an annoying thing. But nonetheless – a thing you cannot ignore, and this you already know. No matter how much you may well try!

The thing is –

It won’t go away.

That part of you. That pull. That call. That please. That PLEASE. That beg,

to let go
ignore it all
push the world away
STOP THINKING
and for the love of God,

stop doing.

It.Won’t.Go.A.Way.

YOU will just get older,
sadder,
a little more slumped down in your physicality and your vibe,
but let’s face it –

trying to live for everything but what’s really in you is already doing that to you, isn’t it?

And it’s not going to change. No matter which way you sling or fling it, the fact that TRUE success, the holy wow expansive what is going on ALL of it kind, like you don’t even let yourself dream of fully yet KNOW is for you,

it simply can’t come

when you do it their way.

But that’s right, sure. Why not?! Keep on doing what they say. What fear says. What you don’t give yourself a chance not to hear, and know.

Another day, another dot joined; that’s the way.

Maybe if you connect enough of ’em you can cover yourself in them like a cloak,

and pretend you never existed at all.

It would match the fact that you act like you don’t, and so at least –

that’s something.

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