TRIGGERED AND UNWORTHY AS FUCK? YOU’RE NOT ALONE.
For most of my life, really as far back as what I can think or remember, I’ve struggled with feeling unworthy and insecure.
This has been something I’ve allowed so much to get to me – well, allowed or else didn’t understand or have the capacity to know how to deal with – that I’ve actually let it lead to good friendships and relationships over the years being sabotaged, even destroyed.
How it manifests, to start with?
Maybe I’m in an event and I feel not good enough. I feel like everybody else is better than me for SURE, and their hair is shinier too. I feel like they probably feel sorry for me … or are maybe sort of laughing at me … or talking about me behind my back, like ‘why is SHE here?!’.
Or – maybe it’s somebody who I would or could potentially connect with, even be friends with, but I avoid them because I think they probably don’t like me. They think I’m silly … immature … a loser … or maybe the think that I think I’m all that.
This could be in business, OR life. For sure even at the gym there are tons of people I’ve never once smiled at because somewhere along the way I decided that they don’t LIKE me, they probably think this or that about me. I imagine them judging me on being TOO in shape or not in shape ENOUGH, for example, depending on the day.
Online I pretty much default assume that other leaders:
– Don’t like me
– Won’t like me-
– Think my message is silly
– Think I’m silly / flaky / immature / uncool
– Think I think I’m too cool
My head is just about exploding right now with all the things I could probably go on and on saying here, relevant to this.
Other things which come to mind –
– When my friends are ‘ahead’ of me in something I assume they wouldn’t want to be my friend anymore, and / or they’d look down on me or think me not cool or good enough. I do this even when I myself may well be ahead of THEM in some areas … I kind of forget or ignore the idea that there might be things my friends admire about ME, which they’ve not yet achieved or created … maybe they even think that I am looking down on THEM; I don’t know!
– When people who avidly followed me and spoke to me all the time online fade away and I stop hearing from them I am ALWAYS sure they HATE me now. I know logically this is not true as often times people message me after being MIA for a year or whatever and apologise and share the reason why, which was always THEY felt not good enough for ME, or else they just were in resistance or whatever. But yet I still think it!! There are several people who come to mind right away right now who I think this about!! I assume they started thinking badly of me, and that’s why they don’t connect anymore.
– When I meet people I look up to – such as meeting and spending the afternoon with PLUS even livestreaming with James Altucher while in New York a few weeks back – I am certain that they’re not going to like me or think good things about my message or art. I feel anxious and scared that they’ll judge me or my work, and often times I avoid meeting people or putting myself in amazing situations because it’s safer not to know.
I’ve felt similar things when meeting or spending time with EVERY ‘impressive’ or cool person you’ve seen me post with on FB.
Don’t worry – I GET how ridiculous this is!! I’m just saying … I still deal with this shit. As best as I can. And I try to shift it. As best as I can. Hence writing about it right now. As best as I can!!!
You think I’m talking about the old me, the lesser evolved me, a version of me I’ve fully graduated past? Ha!!! I guess I understand it more … I’m able to talk myself down from this way of thinking now … or at least see that I COULD be just a tad batshit crazy … and I ‘get’ that other people who I think are judging me are possibly worrying that I’m judging THEM (or – imagine! – they’re not even thinking about me at all, and just dealing with their own shit!) … but despite all of this I STILL THINK THESE THINGS.
In the past one month alone there have been NUMEROUS situations and meet-ups I could list out where I’ve met or otherwise spent time with people who I felt CERTAIN didn’t particularly care for me, or would judge me as not good enough in some way.
Even today I kind accidentally (?!) smiled at a woman who I see all of the time in the gym, she smiled back, our eyes met, it was nice, and I realised with shock I’ve TOTALLY had her pegged as not liking me … maybe SHE has me pegged as not liking her … but in that moment of smiling and connecting you remember:
We’re all fucking human here.
We all have our shit.
We all deal or not deal with it as best as we can.
And if we SPOKE we’d probably get along great!
I know that people might be scared of what I think of them, so it goes both ways, because when people meet me, here is what I most commonly hear:
1) You’re much nicer than I thought you’d be, softer / more open.
2) You’re a real person; you’re just like me.
And here’s the thing:
We ALL are.
There are very few people out there who think they’re all that!!
EVERYBODY is still figuring their shit out. YES some people have done more growth work and so they DO think in a way which also includes seeing things as they are rather than being super reactive or insecure, but we all still have our areas of kryptonite.
Recently it occurred to me how hurtful I find it when somebody stops talking to me online, somebody who I know I helped, and I never really know why, then I realised I have done the exact same thing to people!!
And the reason – apart from that my soul told me to – I’m writing this today is simply this:
I know you struggle with this sort of shit too, in some way.
I want you to know you’re not alone.
Those fears are based on your OWN shit, not others. At the end of the day, if somebody really did look down on you for being you, COOL – ‘thank you for showing me we’re not a fit’. So, that’s easy.
But here’s what else:
You can literally sway yourself from your true path AND miss out on or even destroy amazing connections, if you let this stuff rule you.
You know this.
It fucking hurts.
And it’s sad!
AND it’s unnecessary.
So today, this is me telling you:
Get the fuck over yourself. You have a right to be here. You are good enough, you have done enough, you ARE enough, and your very PRESENCE adds value.
I love you.
I see you.
And I’m glad you’re here.
Don’t forget –
Life is Now. Press Play.