Money Mindset

CLEARING DEBT AND ENDLESS MONEY LACK THROUGH SURRENDER

When I was over 100k in debt, money coming in only in what felt like an exhausting hand over fist manner, teenhy-tiny drip by teeny-tiny drip at a time, I fought so damn hard to not be where I was.

I railed against it with EVERY part of me.

I refused to accept it … I KNEW I could get out of it, and that was a good knowledge to have; my faith, no matter how tested it was, DID always remain.

But what I wanted, what I needed, what I was DESPERATE for, was to just.be.there.now.

SAFE, you know?
FREE …
And no longer shrouded and clouded in the shame, the God damn SHAME, that comes with being a grown-ass person and not having your SHIT together, also the EXHAUSTION, of trying to maintain an ‘everything’s dandy’ demeanour to the world around you as well as your own SELF.

If you’ve been there … if you are there … you know how relentless this feels, and how draining.

When I look back on that time now, it feels quite amazing to me that I was able to keep functioning. My energy was SO messed up. I was carrying every possible fear-based or frustration-based emotion there is, and I was carrying it 24/7, too!

Yet somehow, I managed to keep going. One foot in front of the other. Doing, largely, the same things I do in my biz and life NOW, the difference being that now my dominant energy state is flow and ease, and back then it was, well, everything opposite to that!

Wanna know something not-so-funny-at-all.

NOW, all I do each day is some sort of repeat-mix of inner work, messaging, sales activity, and self-care.

Back THEN, all I did each day was some sort of repeat-mix of inner work, messaging, sales activity, and self-care.

NOW, I easily receive, without even ‘trying’, and certainly with no following of a plan or a ‘how’, or even, really, wondering at where the money will COME from, hundreds of thousands of dollars per month, oh, and I work with ONLY soulmate badass clients.

Back THEN, I painstakingly received whatever I managed to eek out, I had clients who were consistently not QUITE aligned, and I spent nearly all day every day worrying in some form about where the next fucking dollar would come from, and whether I’d be able to keep my head above water.

I mean –

When you literally can’t even buy $30 of groceries most days … or a COFFEE some days … when you’ve already SOLD your house, your car, and ANYTHING monetizable … when you’re down to dollars and cents and it just keeps on KEEPING on like that …

Well.

I don’t gotta tell you!

You fucking worry about where the next dollar will come from!

And I gave my ALL to trying to get out of that place, I really did. I clawed FURIOUSLY at the walls of the prison I’d found myself in. I would stay up EVERY night till my eyes burnt out like overused light bulbs, coming up with offers, ideas, putting them out there, watching EVERY sale, scheming and planning about how to hit my numbers, working and re-working which bills I HAD to pay, and which ones I could – always with shame! – get away with ignoring for a bit longer. I would also HIDE the reality of the money situation from my husband, as he would freak the fuck out more than what I could handle, and I instinctively knew that for me to remain strong, and keep going, I had to not allow anybody ELSE’S scarcity vibe to impact me.

I had enough to handle in dealing with my own!

So, I would metaphorically cover my eyes and ears and close myself off to ANY sort of idea that maybe things would just get WORSE, or that I would ACTUALLY bottom out.

See no evil.
Hear no evil.
And shut the fuck UP if you suggest for even a SECOND that one of us should get a JOB. GOD.

I just.
kept.
going.

I remember one week I launched 7 new offers in a 3-day period. SEVEN!! This was across my fitness business, my personal brand, and also my then-husband’s online biz, which I largely engineered and ran myself.

I did what it TOOK.

And I am proud of myself for that … I don’t regret that phase in my journey, and there are many very positive traits which came from all that hustle and push. It built inner strength and resilience like a MOTHERFUCKER. I did what others won’t for YEARS, refusing to back down or back away, knowing that one day I would be able to live like they can’t. I carved myself into an iron warrior of STEEL, in terms of my staying power and ability to just.keep.going, no matter how many times I got knocked back down.

The image I used with this blog? I made that back in this time. That’s why it has my old website url on the bottom  It is still SO meaningful to me. It represented EVERYTHING about how I felt, and what I was committed to. I found it in my Dropbox just now, nearly 6 years old, titled ‘fight to be you’. I was actually looking for the screenshot I saved of my bank account balances being .89c / $2.89 etc each 

These traits serve me to this day, and I wouldn’t change them for the world.

I am disciplined as fuck; the best part being it doesn’t feel remotely like discipline! It’s so inherent to who I AM, to just consistently do the work. So, I get the results of discipline with the vibe of SUPERFLOW.

But anyway, going back to that period, going back to doing what it TOOK –

The one thing I didn’t know, which nobody told me, and I simply didn’t UNDERSTAND, and which I’ve come here today to shake YOU up about, was that because I refused to be with what WAS, I made it impossible to step into what was AVAILABLE, and next.

It’s interesting …

Because one of the critical steps to manifestation, is to ‘be there now’.

Paint the picture of what it will be like when you ARE there, or HAVE it, or ARE it –

Look at the emotions, the energy, the feelings and thoughts, the beliefs, and then also the ACTIONS you’d be taking and the way you’d be showing up, if you WERE already there.

Embody that shit.
Create the environment of it being done AROUND you.
Voila!

It really can be and IS that simple.

But the OTHER bit of that … which definitely can feel confusing, so I understand if it kinda screws with or infuriates you … is to also be totally and absolutely surrendered to and also OKAY with where you are now.

I know, right? Contradiction much! Too bad, life is full of contradictions, that’s just how it is so square up and DEAL with it.

It’s a good thing, actually …

Because learning to be here now, and be FULLY in surrender TO that reality, gives you something that no amount of hustle or even money could EVER provide, and that is PEACE.

When you are in allowance of and surrender to what IS
When you stop fighting
When you let GO, of holding on so damn tight
Not only can you BREATHE again (kinda handy!), but also you allow EXPANSION
From expansion, you switch into abundance
Into receiving
Into SUPERFLOW, even
All of which, I don’t have to tell you, are kinda sorta helpful to making the MONIES, on your terms!

But more importantly than THAT, yes, you find that by CHOOSING surrender and allowance of what is, you give yourself everything you THOUGHT you needed to GET to, that you were holding at arms length away from yourself by thinking you had to get to ‘THERE’ in order to have it!

When you surrender, you realise you are safe already.
When you surrender, you realise you are enough already.
When you surrender, you realise you have FREEDOM already.

And so on.
And so forth.

But how do you SURRENDER, while also ‘being there now’? It makes no sense!

Well –

You just do.

You actively name and claim and step INTO the energy, emotion, thoughts, feelings, beliefs and aligned ACTIONS that you feel would be true if you WERE there –

And you simultaneously choose to be completely fucking whole and okay right here right now.

ACTUALLY, if you think about it, this makes TOTAL sense!

Because if you WERE there now, then you would BE in surrender, and flow, and expansion, and allowance, and you’d feel free, enough, safe, etc!

Right?!

Right 

Look, I more than anybody know that this can FEEL easier said than done.

I held on SO damn tight.

I fought and fought and fought.

I waged WAR internally, and I couldn’t bring myself to be where I WAS, because it felt too SCARY, and bad, and I was ashamed, and frustrated.

But in the end –

Finally –

I saw.

How holding on so tightly was draining me.

How it was keeping me in NON-momentum, disempowered, too.

And how, if I didn’t choose to release into surrender and TRUST, I would continue to get on by –

Painstaking step by painstaking step

Inch by inch

Dollar by dollar

JUST keeping my head above water

That wasn’t what I was born for.

It wasn’t what I KNEW was my destiny.

It wasn’t what I WANTED!

And it was also not reflective of what I knew was available to me.

I never stopped believing I could have it all, on my terms.

I KNEW I was born to make millions, impact millions, change the world.

Eventually…

I just gave in.

“BRING IT ON THEN GOD!”, I said (and I did; aloud!)

“IF I HAVE TO GO TO ROCK BOTTOM FIRST, I WILL, BECAUSE I KNOW I’M GONNA MAKE IT!”

And let’s face it –
I was already LIVING at rock bottom, or so it felt!

And so I let go.

In one moment, which I can remember as though it was yesterday.

I just –

Let go.

I decided to trust.

I decided to allow.

I decided to let FAITH rule me, not fear.

I decided –

To just be the person who was already there.

And now here we are.

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