FAKE SMILE PLASTERED ON, SOUL CLAWING AT YOUR INSIDES
Sometimes I just want to be normal.
Sometimes I just want to be normal.
I want to sit here at breakfast, with husband and kids, smiling, and taking my time over things, nothing pulling at me to leave, to run, to hide. Then spending a day … I don’t know. Doing the things which families do in summer. Outings and pool and sitting around, I think, is how it goes.
And it’s so beautiful to see, from the outside looking in. I look at the little family of 3 sitting across from me, the Mum pretty and smiling, the Dad not talking much, the baby baby-ing, and I wonder – is she happy? Does she really want to be there? Is she IN this moment, or is there something inside of her, this women, wondering –
Really? Is THIS all there is?
And does she cry at night, or swallow it down and become TIGHTER and more SET during the day, as that constant pull of her soul is ignored, and day by day she lets her dreams slip away?
I don’t think I’m being cynical …
I ALMOST believe that there are women out there who fully and ONLY desire to be in the mother and wife role, perhaps a job for occupation and income, no purpose, pulling at them, calling to them, YELLING at them to fucking DO something that would help them to breathe.
I almost believe it.
Actually, I used to REALLY believe that there were women like that, and that me, you, we, we were truly the exceptions, we who refuse to live the normal life, who somehow just … can’t.
But, the thing is … EVERY woman I speak to, including too many to count who I had labelled as happy in their normal person lives, who I even thought JUDGED me, EVERY single woman I connect with … and maybe it’s just that that’s who comes into my world? … EVERY one of them wanted more.
DESPERATELY is dreaming of more.
And wondering –
HOW MUCH FUCKING LONGER CAN I DO THIS BEFORE I GO COMPLETELY INSANE?
I don’t mean –
We don’t want to be mothers –
Or wives –
And live our lives –
Ever like THEM.
I just mean –
We want more.
We need more.
We MUST –
Yes. It’s so beautiful to see, from the outside looking in.
The happy families.
The long drawn out meals.
The laughing and playing.
You catch a moment peeking into somebody else’s life, and perhaps you feel sad – am I missing out, that I had it, that I could be in it, right now, and I left? Or perhaps, that you never allowed it in the first place.
But then I wonder … who decided that a happy family … couple … parent … child … means these exact things.
Do it this way.
Post the right photos.
WELL DONE, you’re WINNING at parenting and life!
I don’t know.
There are so many ways that do NOT look like the normal, in which to BE there with, and for somebody.
And I’m certainly not against the normal activities as some kind of policy … we crazy ones, we still like to eat and drink and play and be merry; of course! I’m talking about … day after day. Having that stuff as the ultimate end goal or evidence of relaxation, and fun, and having ‘made it’.
The truth is … for me … and I suspect for you also … even ONE day of full ‘normal’ is too much. If I were in that day, I would simply feel … like screaming. I can’t breathe. Fake smile plastered on, soul clawing at the insides of me, but don’t worry – !
You’re being a good partner.
You’re being a good Mum.
You’re being a good human.
And just LOOK at the beautiful photos!
Never mind –
Everything else –
Behind the photo.
And never mind –
The slow but sure sinking into desperation and REALLY IS THIS ALL THERE IS, that is present, inside of you.
As you wonder –
When you can escape, and be free.
Please let me –
And then I think … perhaps we created a need for what we need. We who demand and REQUIRE our time alone, our time to go within, a need for the various things which we NEED, in order to BREATHE each day, like me –
I must write.
And go within.
Before I can be present and THERE for another person, or even –
But maybe I just made all of that up, this need for what I need, and the inability to be happy ‘just’ being a mother, or wife, or human, like the other ones …
But then again:
Who the else did I ever think I could be?
If not me.
I’ve always been this person.
I’ve always needed, at a certain point, to just leave.
Exit stage left, stealth exit, often, because I just CAN’T be there, for another moment.
And so I learned –
As a mother –
As a human –
And a woman –
To give myself the things my soul needs. To create my entire business and life around them, even. To simply make it that how I make money and how I do LIFE is by honouring my soul’s wants and wishes and musts.
Did I make it that way? Or, was it always meant to be that way? For EVERYONE.
When I honour what my soul needs –
When I give myself full space and time to go within –
When I RELEASE, until what needed to come out is DONE –
THEN I can be there with you.
I can play.
I can laugh.
I can BE.
I can breathe.
But, this is not a one time thing. DAILY, my soul demands nourishment. DAILY, I must turn away from everything and everyone, YES everyone, and feed it.
What, would you think it’s odd if your human body demanded food each day, in order to then be able to function in excellence, and show up, fully?
Why then the soul?
And all of this simply comes back to this –
We’ve been TOLD that the right way to mother, to partner, to BE, is to put our own needs aside.
That it’s selfish or wrong.
Well, what if it was IRREFUCKINGSPONSIBLE to NOT honour your soul needs, not just so that you can function and BREATHE … which is always nice … but also because you were brought to this earth to DO CERTAIN WORK.
And perhaps it was –
But perhaps there is something else, and perhaps also the very BEST way to be who you need to be for others is to SHINE YOUR LIGHT AS YOU.
What example would I give my children –
If I pressed pause on my life –
In order to always sit there with them.
In order to do the obligatory summer or vacation outings all day every day.
In order to sit around –
Reading the paper or watching TV or what the fuck ever, to show that hey – !
I’m normal. I can relax. I can do what the others do!
There was a time –
Before the society we now live in created THIS normal –
When normal was it took a village –
When art and creation and meditation and even spiritual travel, were a daily thing.
When normal was periods of wandering, and going within.
When normal was NOT –
Oh look! You did a, b and c like the other families, now it must be WORKING.
It doesn’t even matter, does it? I’m trying to justify my normal, our normal, vs ‘theirs’. But I do know this:
We need what we need.
We are who we are.
We are the BEST for others when we honour our own soul work and needs, and make space for our soul to BREATHE, so that when we then show UP for and with those who we love, and desire to spend our energy and self with, that we are then THERE with them.
And of course –
These things can certainly all mix together at times!
Some of my deepest soul satisfaction comes from laughter and play with my children –
My friends –
Or a lover.
But, there are things my soul desires just for her.
There are times … often … where I just need and WANT to be alone.
And there is work … art … a message … THIS … which must come out.
In some way.
So I can breathe, YES.
But also, because that’s how I was brought here to LIVE.
I saw what happened –
In my mother –
Living for US, instead of for her.
There’s still time, always, of course, for her to write and to create her art, and so she has started to, now, a little.
But nearly 40 years –
Were given for us.
Art and soul and HER, pushed aside.
This does things to the spirit.
As a child I am grateful.
And also sad.
And I also admire her, because I think –
I couldn’t do that.
I don’t do that.
I won’t do that.
I’m answering the call and I feel that the best way for me TO ‘normal’ in any fashion is to first and also and simultaneously ANSWER THE CALL.
Life is just like the internet, really.
There are all these people who you see doing all these things. And you learn – oh, okay! If I want to be a good entrepreneur I must have a website like this, a landing page like that, a funnel or launch thing-y like this, look like this, talk like this and DO ALL THESE THINGS!
And then you do it, or you try –
And you feel empty, or in despair, or you feel like you can’t you can’t you CAN’T keep GOING, because how can you keep GOING when you can’t BREATHE?!
And then at some point, you just start doing you. You stop looking at what ANYBODY else is doing. And you learn – your soul REMEMBERS – that what builds a BRAND and impacts people and ALSO gets you whatever results YOU desire is simply BEING YOU. Connecting. COMMUNICATING. Showing UP. And shining your fucking light. NOT ticking off any of the external things and NOT doing a single fucking thing just ’cause that’s apparently how it’s DONE.
In life, it’s the same –
You see what everybody else does.
You think, okay, okay, I’ve got this! Get husband + nice house + car + kids, then do these sorts of activities, spend my afternoons or evenings or weekends or holidays like this, check these boxes, go to these events, do these things, get the right photos, and phew – ! I’m doing it!
But despite that of COURSE YOU WANT TO PARENT AND PARTNER AND DO FUN COOL EPIC SHIT AND LOVE AND LAUGH AND PLAY –
You feel empty, and in despair, and frustrated, and not heard, and your soul is SCREAMING at you, and you can’t you can’t you CAN’T keep GOING, because how can you keep going when you can’t BREATHE?!
I see the looks of desperation –
And deep sadness –
And longing –
Every DAY –
On people’s faces.
And I just think – when did we as a society FORGET, when did our souls stop REMEMBERING – that what builds love –
And connection –
And play –
And a LIFE –
Is not TICKING FUCKING BOXES AND DOING THE RIGHT THINGS. It’s simply BEING YOU. Connecting and communicating and show UP as you, and shining your fucking light. NOT ticking off any of the external things and NOT doing a single fucking thing just ’cause that’s how it’s apparently DONE.
And then there is this –
If what it takes, is simply being YOU, in business and in life, well, how do I say this?
How the hell are you gonna do that if you’re not, well doing it? Being it?!
You can live a life –
Fake smile plastered on –
Soul CLAWING at your insides to get out –
Or you can DO WHAT YOU NEED TO DO TO BE YOU, and in doing so allow yourself to SHOW UP ACTUALLY THERE, and actually exuberant to BE there, alone or with others, situation depending.
If you want connection.
If you want fun.
If you want play.
If you want community.
If you want love.
If you want FLOW.
Then take fucking care of business to be the person who has and can also give and BE in those things.
The thing is … the whole being there in body but not in mind or soul or spirit thing … can actually be felt anyway. We see your mask. So do your children. Your partner. Your friends.
And it’s never going to work.
Not for you.
And not for them.
Be in your soul, your spirit, your TRUE self.
And then you can be their in body, too.
Don’t forget –
Life is Now. Press Play.