I REGRET WHO I BECAME

It’s been 2 weeks now since I announced I have quit the pursuit of worldly ambition and success and, as such, walked away from my 30 million $ or so online empire.

It’s been 2 weeks and 2 days since the revelation that that WAS what I was going to do was shown to me as I prayed and meditated on the Word of God, and journaled in my prayer room.

It’s been 11 months and 3 weeks or so since I said that next year will be the year I am finally convicted fully by God, and 10 months since I told a friend at dinner that this year is the year I will put God first no matter what.

I didn’t really know what I was saying with those last statements by the way … I had no idea what would unfold or just how fully God would grab me by the supernatural scruff of my neck and chuck me in his blender of sanctification ’til every last bit that got to be shredded or realigned rightly in Him was done so. I guess we’ll be fully done with that roughly ’round the time of the rapture, or my earthly death.

It’s been 6 months since I actively started fighting against the gradual implosion of the thing which KAT built these past 18 years online, although I had no idea that that was happening at the time. And it’s also been 6 months since I actively have been SO FREAKING EXCITED AND IN CERTAINTY EVERY DAY knowing that whatever God is gonna show me, do with me, place me in will be so much better than my own imaginings.

It’s been 4 months since I realised that – huh. This whole ‘gradual shift to my business being about God’ thing which I THOUGHT would take 2-3 years maybe? Seemed to be racing out of the starting gates like a horse on … well whatever you give horses to make ’em jump start.

It’s been 3 months since one of my best friends said “I think eventually, inevitably, you’ll just stop doing the coaching and go all in on the God stuff”, and I looked at his message and thought “what do you mean? I am SO all in on the God stuff; He is rearranging my coaching biz and I’ve given it ALL to Him, everything!”.

It’s been every number of months, ’cause I pray it so continually and have done for a very long time, since I prayed what most people call dangerous prayers and which to me just seem smart, namely:

“God, wake me in whatever way you need. SHAKE me however I need. BREAK me for your purposes. I give it ALL to you, do what you WILL with it, take anything anything anything that is not of you or not in accordance with who you would have me be”.

I don’t recommend praying a prayer like this,
if you don’t mean it.

But I’ve always been a person who, once I truly recognise something must be done, will deliberately kick herself off that cliff without hesitation. I learned a long time ago that the fallout of NOT doing so is infinitely worse than the fallout OF doing so.

And so,
I prayed prayers like that over and over again, and I meant it.

I knew it could mean losing everything.

I trusted God DID have a better plan.

And I also just knew I was done fighting and that it was time.

See I always believed I had a destiny, a purpose, a calling, and I always knew, since I was a little girl in church singing “I have a destiny, I know I shall fulfil“, that, well – I did. And I would.

I just ran from God for decades because I bought into a story that it was all on me and that I wasn’t good enough or couldn’t keep up properly with the whole Christian thing.

Somehow,
despite my ‘from the womb’ Christian upbringing, and wonderful family and churches,
I missed the whole grace bit.
And the supernatural equipping that is inherent to that.

Like most people, I also fell prey to satans wiles. I lusted after what I lusted after. Got addicted to what I got addicted to. And let childhood insecurities around not being pretty enough, or having money, or being cool enough, take me from initial fun accomplishments and wins and splurges when I started to make real money into a rollercoaster and eventual tidal wave of being led by pride and an idea that I HAD to have all that stuff.

It’s been 10 years, more even than the amount I started to consistently make ‘that’ kind of money, since I advocated hard for the fact that it was NEVER about the money and that you had to put purpose and alignment first, but yet, despite how powerful my teachings and courses on this were … and anybody who has been intimately or in any sort of way in my space knows I always taught from such a dropped in place of truth regardless what I was coating myself with externally …

yes.
I became tangled in an idea that ‘that’ sort of money was who I was. Who I now had to be. Plus more!

It’s been at least 5 years since it all started to feel wrong.
And it’s been an equal 5 years that I fought endlessly to try and figure out WHY though, because OBVIOUSLY I’m here to write and speak and create and POUR FORTH A THING, and so …

what do I do if not this?

It’s been 2 weeks
maybe 4
definitely all of this year
most of last
or maybe a lifetime

since I figured out that huh. Somewhere along the way to that destiny God planted in me since before I got here,

I got derailed into following satans plan for my life more than Gods.

As a child of God SINCE childhood I was still covered by the blood and I believe this is why so much good came out of me,

but I am not certain I DIDN’T walk myself out of that covering and protection, and if I had to guess I’d bet that I did.

Bit by bit,
things I would never have been okay with became okay,
normal,
and even what I actively chased.

And through it all I knew, the whole entire time,

THIS IS NOT IT KAT.
You’re mean to do SUCH big work in the Kingdom of God! THAT is the lens you’re meant to be preaching from, and teaching purpose, identity, alignment, not all this … SELF stuff.

But I didn’t know how to get off.

And I thought I had time.

Last year I just finally decided to stop waiting til I inevitably one day would run out of time.

It’s been 2 weeks since I announced I was quitting, and today, after spending most of the day quite enjoyably going through all of the finances of my business, investments, life, and happily making myself a nice new little spreadsheet to track everything, everything which is so much LESS since God took what I offered and let me know in multiple ways that NOPE; that won’t be coming where we are going, I can sit here at peace, indeed in the peace which surpasses all understanding, and admit:

I regret who I became.

I was always the girl with a journal and a pen, a backpack and a dream, and an endless list of book ideas and other creative ideas.

I was creating and selling since I was 3 years old and never stopped.

And when I’m in flow I have ALWAYS been able to make money, ‘outta nowhere’.

All I’ve ever wanted to impart to the world was that you do have a purpose. You were born for a reason. You MATTER. And there is a plan for your life. Yes you have a destiny! But you have to say YES to that destiny, just having it won’t make it occur.

PS the destiny is in God, otherwise – by definition – if you don’t choose Him, and eternal salvation through His son Jesus, you are choosing the alternate destiny also planned for you. By satan. And that one WILL just occur if you don’t choose the other.

I think I did a pretty good job in as much as anybody can do anything largely in their own efforts, to impart purpose, meaning, alignment.

But I also think that all got seriously skewed years ago because of the spirits behind it; not Gods.

And I regret who I became.

I regret that I perpetuated a narcissistic, it’s all about MORE approach to success, I regret flaunting myself and my lifestyle all over the internet, I regret the endless giving in to my OWN heart and soul desires, which made me wretched and foolish because without God arranging our desires and giving us a NEW heart in Him, it can only be that way.

I regret that I didn’t simply DECIDE to put God first years ago, and that I was deceived like so many into thinking it was on ME to figure it out.

I regret being all about being self-made, ‘look what I built’. I regret adopting an identity of an industry, even if I was always the ‘not gonna fit in’ one in that industry. Somehow fighting for alignment and truth whilst simultaneously conforming, always, to what I thought I needed to be to be enough.

I regret that I didn’t think my message was enough without all the cursing and carrying on.

I regret who I became in too many ways to count.

But here is what else:

I hold myself in no shame or condemnation for any of it, because I rest in Christ and there IS no shame or condemnation for any of it.

I forgive myself for ALL of it, even though in aspects to do with my personal life that has been very difficult, and is ongoing; perhaps a lifelong handing over.

I BELIEVE GOD FULLY WHEN HE SAYS HE RESTORES, IS DOING A NEW THING, HAS A PLAN, AND EVEN WILL CLEAN UP OUR MESS WHEN WE SURRENDER TO HIM!

And …

I am grateful.

I am grateful I ran far enough into the world to be able to now share a message of true love, redemption, and freedom, in Christ, which I otherwise would not be able to share.

I am grateful for the incredible grace of not only God (duh) but those in my community who are just here for this new season with me.

I am grateful for the weird wonderful and SERIOUSLY MESSED UP IN SO MANY WAYS yet so genuinely searching for truth and meaning coaching industry, and the fact that we really all do just get to grow up together in a way that is probably the most co-dependent thing that exists in any career path but yet also just kinda cool.

I am SO so grateful for all the wonderful memories. The incredible mentors. The heaven sent clients and friends. The painful lessons. The FUN. The flow. The mayhem.

I am so so grateful that I was that girl.

And I am so so grateful that she is gone.

The old,
crucified,
2000 years ago,
the moment I finally FULLY came back to Him.

I am so so grateful for Gods unending love and mercy.

I am so so grateful that He is just waiting, patiently, unceasingly, arms out, saying “child. When will you come home?”

And I am so so grateful TO that girl, and the Spirit working on and in her, who finally surrendered and said “okay God. I’m home”.

People say “I’d never change any of it”, well I WOULD change it in many ways. I would not live my life the way I’ve lived it the past 8 years if I went back and knew everything I now know.

But the cool thing is …

in God it doesn’t matter. It’s not only forgiven, not only restored, but the next and the new is always ALWAYS better than the last.

Just …

not your way anymore.

Not my way.

NO way.

I regret who I became.

I regret what I was part of.

I regret what I gave credence to.

I regret what I aligned with.

I regret what I stood for.

But I am exactly where I want to be and where I know it’s time to be, and so with that I can say, as I have so often said before:

Every moment up til now has been preparing me for what was to come.

This moment right now is preparing me for what’s next.

LORD JESUS –

I’M SO GLAD IT WAS ALWAYS YOU.

AND THAT I FINALLY SAW,

THAT THAT’S WHAT’S TRUE.

Thank you for loving me
Thank you for dying for me
Thank you for making me yours

I will live for you
Honour you
and serve you
for all of my days
in all of the ways

NOT by might
nor by power
but by your Spirit

And come what may
as I lean back and let go and watch the life I built float away
I will NEVER regret losing my life
in you

And I will trust you
in all that I do
as I walk forward
FINALLY fully in you
and finally
home.

Remember –

Life is Now. Press Play.

Kat

PS

My membership is open gorgeous, and? It’s the place God gave me some months back, as He revealed to me a vision I at first thought just for ME, of the renewing of my business,

and the NEW thing which was springing forth
in Him

A few months later He showed me that no:

This is not just for me.

This is a place for YOU. For US. For ALL of us who are willing,
simply,
to say yes

to all that He HAS for us.

It’s The Secret Garden, gorgeous, and the place God gave me for the faith-led entrepreneur who is just … done. With doing it her way. And ready … to surrender to and receive His. For business. For money. For life.

* newly restored OG pricing
* upfront annual or monthly option available
* live weekly trainings + prayer time, Q&A time, Bible deep dives and more
* includes all my smaller courses, challenges, workshops; no extra cost
* incredible intimate and just … beautiful + Holy Spirit filled and fuelled community
* given by GOD and fully led by Him as I partner with Him in all I teach in there!

Today is simply … a perfect time to join, as this week’s live Money, But God’s Way, class will be included for you.

Along with a plentitude of additional bonuses and extras.

Are you ready to walk a different path?
Would you like to do it alongside me, and be mentored as well as coached by a woman who HAS given it all to God and is herself walking the path of true trust, and thus,
true receiving?

You have a destiny my love.
And you do have a purpose.

Come see if one part of that for this season
is here
with me

In the place God gave us,
The Secret Garden

www.thekatrinaruthshow.com/thesecretgarden

PPS

If you are not ready for the all in thing
The Money, But God’s Way masterclass can be bought solo,
here:

www.thekatrinaruthshow.com/moneybutgodsway

pic: random cute pic with my sis

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