IS FEAR OF REJECTION STOPPING YOU FROM DOING YOUR SOUL WORK?
The greatest fear I have in my life, I’ve realised, is not that I’m not good enough or worthy for my message, and my art, but that I’m not good enough or worthy for other people; not worthy of love, or acceptance, or even being in the room!
This has shown up in a million ways for what feels like a million days (or at least mostly all of the days I can remember!), but where it shows up relevant to my business is in me holding myself back from being fully seen, and reaching the level of fame I know is meant to be for me, via allowing my MESSAGE to be fully seen and heard.
It’s ACTUALLY extraordinarily egotistical of me, because the choice I’ve (mostly) unwittingly made here, which I again have to acknowledge and then DO something about, is to put my own fears and hurts ahead of allowing what’s inside of me, and meant to come through from me, to ever FULLY flourish.
If you think about it, that is flat out OUTRAGEOUS, horrible, just awful, and also WILDLY irresponsible!
“Now wait just a minute, Kat!”, I hear you say –
“You ARE seen, and heard, and noticed! You have tens of thousands of followers online … you make MILLIONS of dollars each year … you have an inarguably successful business and life! What are you talking about?! And besides, if YOU think you’re not letting yourself be seen at all, then what on earth am I doing?!”
Okay, maybe you wouldn’t say all that at all; perhaps that’s another part of ME just feeling insecure about what you might think of what I’m writing today! Which is simply that same old need for people to like and accept me showing up again, demonstrated by my need to justify myself to you!
Haha.
And though – people HAVE also said the above sort of stuff to me, a lot. But either way, it’s all relative, isn’t it? And what it’s relative TO, specifically, is simply and ONLY – AM I LETTING MYSELF BE SEEN FULLY IN THE WAY THAT I KNOW IS MEANT FOR ME?
It doesn’t matter what the numbers are, it doesn’t matter whether you’re supposedly ahead or behind or alongside of anybody else, ALL that matters, when we measure ourselves in ANY area of life is IS THIS WHERE I AM MEANT TO BE AT?
The only measurement, really, is alignment! Or, some sort of version of ‘well, am I actually pressing the fuck play here?!’.
For me, when I look myself honestly in the soul and ask am I actually pressing play relevant to my message, and how I KNOW it is meant to be taken to the WORLD, the answer is and always HAS been a flat out HELL NO.
That doesn’t mean I’m not proud of the work I have done, what I’ve created, and also what I do each day right now!
I am WILDLY proud of it, and it is DEEPLY fulfilling.
But, I’m not all in.
On the one hand, I don’t believe we ever are! The beauty of being a DRIVEN one, is that we are NEVER all in; it’s not possible! There’s always another layer to drop into, another realisation of growth to allow through, a new vision which presents itself to us.
Some people think this is wearying, or that it’s a mindset of not being content, grateful, or present and fulfilled in the now.
I fully disagree.
I am fully present, fully content, fully feel ‘enough’ in who I am right now in this moment – because I learned some time back that all of this is just a choice, and then I started to choose it! – AND I am also aware of all that I must still CHOOSE to be courageous enough to allow, as I respond ever more deeply to my purpose, my soul, my art, and as I repeatedly practice the art of not letting my bullshit be bigger than my dreams.
Which is a BEAUTIFUL art to practice, by the way!
When I dived into this this morning, when I looked at how I’d be showing up TODAY if I decided not to let pain be a ruler of how I live my life, one of the responses my soul served up was that I would allow myself to be seen more, and to be famous.
‘Yes, but why would THAT hurt?’, I asked of my soul.
I thought perhaps the answer would be about not feeling worthy, maybe I’m not good enough to do this work, to say these things, to be one of the most known transformational leaders of our time!
My mind, my soul, my every cell and strand of DNA answered this idea INSTANTLY:
‘Yeah … NAH!’
lol.
I have absolutely no feeling of not being good enough for my message, or of in any way thinking that the work which comes through me is not worthy, not powerful, not a MUST for the WHOLE DAMN WORLD TO PAY ATTENTION TO.
I KNOW it is, I KNOW that I am a worthy vessel for said message, and I also know that I am just that – the vessel, the filter, and that it’s NOT ABOUT ME; that it’s a responsibility to let the work live, breathe, and be carried around the world to do what it must!
In fact, the very idea of not allowing what’s in me to travel to the highest heights and the deepest hollows of this human place TERRIFIES me.
I know my work changes people.
I know it should or COULD be – or, more relevantly, is DIVINED to be – changing MILLIONS, even BILLIONS of people.
But what scares me –
What feels like PAIN and FEAR and HURT –
What I feel not GOOD enough for –
Is other people!
Which ones? I don’t even really know! All of them? The other world famous leaders, speakers, healers, lightworkers? The cool club, basically!
It’s all just an idea in my head stemming back to school days, when I so DESPERATELY wanted to be one of the cool girls, and categorically was NOT, and was certain they didn’t like me!
Well, even in school this proved itself to be not true, as I grew a little older and bolder and started to talk to those girls, they were more than friendly and accepting! Which I’m sure is not always the case with the cool girls, but in my case it was. I was the nerdy school square with ALL the wrong clothes, and SO shy, never part of THAT group, but when I decided to be friends with them I WAS accepted.
This has, for the most part, also shown itself to be true in adult life. Yet still to this day I ASSUME that people – especially ones I look up to or am inspired by – don’t like me, won’t accept me, will reject me!
I’ve written about this before, it is NOT a new theme or awareness for me. But it’s interesting to observe where it shows up.
The thing is, and where this is relevant for you with whatever you’re thinking and noticing right now, I actually don’t need to analyse it any further.
Every day, in some way or shape or form, we receive the opportunity to ‘clear our shit’.
It’s not about feeling BAD or SAD or down on ourselves that we have ‘blocks’ or some such thing.
It’s simply about noticing.
Observing.
Stepping away, which is a conscious choice, from the emotion fo the situation; getting into objectivity.
And then deciding what we wanna do about it.
It’s also about realising, as I just said to a private client on a bunch of back and forth audios, that the more we FEED these sorts of things, the more they demand from us.
If we FEED the need to be validated, or to avoid possible rejection, it’s like feeding sugar to a body with a yeast infection. The more you give it, and respond to that so-called NEED, the more urgently and with greater rage the YEAST body will demand more sugar.
When it comes to emotions, and responding to pain, the more we FEED the pain’s shrieking demands, the more greatly it will shriek, and demand yet again!
This means, that if we want to grow PAST being led, driven, stopped, by our fears – if we want to move past the horrific reality so many of us are in of ACTUALLY ALLOWING OUR LIVES TO BE CREATED BY FEAR – then all we need to do is DECIDE –
‘Oh. I’m no longer available for this to impact my choices’.
For me that looks like –
‘Oh. I’m no longer available to let fear of being SEEN more, and therefore fear of being REJECTED by whoever-the-damn-cool-kids
I recognise that allowing my fear of the pain of rejection to impact me is EGO-fuelled, and it’s also just flat out bullshit. Additionally, it is SO not what I’m gonna die for! So, as I’ve done a million times before, in a million different ways, or at least quite a few, I will now CHOOSE to put soul first, purpose first, in an even bigger and bolder and more audacious way than I already have done so!
The practical follow on from that will be …”
And then I would (well, have, in my journaling earlier) write out and COMMIT to said practical follow on.
And then fucking DO it; duh.
Do the fucking work.
It’s actually the key to EVERYTHING.
So I guess there’s only one thing left to say, isn’t there?
Relevant to where YOU are letting your bullshit be bigger than your dreams, WHAT WOULD CHOOSING OUT OF THAT LOOK LIKE FOR YOU?
And then?
I dunno, mebbe go do that, huh?!
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