WHEN SHAME GETS ME
Sometimes when I get caught up in berating myself for everything I should have already done, created, or become, the pressure and the inner pain of not being ENOUGH truly threatens to overwhelm.
I feel a pent up sort of rage, frustration, thread through like swirls of caramilk through regular chocolate, with SADNESS, and shame.
Why DIDN’T already?
Why DON’T I do more?
Why HAVEN’T I just got over my bullshit?
Why am I STILL caught on the never-ending cycle of I will I will I will I’m GUNNA – ,
and then I don’t?
In that moment it feels certain:
the answer is to do more things, all at once, faster, reduce the made up amount of time I think I need for pesky things like drawing breath or stopping to ground in, catch my intention once more, and just GO.
If I run twice as fast and for five times as long I will get further, faster!
And then maybe I will have run fast enough and hard enough and long enough to catch up to the place where I now get to be.
How nice!
As the Queen said to Alice –
“we must run as fast as we can, just to stay in the same place. And if we wish to go anywhere, we must run twice as fast as that!”
But,
what if the Queen were wrong? (Treachery! Sacrilege! Off with their, erm, my head!)
What if the way to get someplace else were NOT to work twice as hard, long, fast as anybody else (or as any other version of yourself), but instead to TRANSCEND this physical-world only approach to success and accomplishment by simply, well –
going there.
If we’re going to believe six or perhaps even more impossible things before breakfast (and why wouldn’t we?!), then why would one of those things not be that when I STOP –
I see where I already am and I am therefore able to effectively assess or have shown to me the PRECISE move I need to make, to open up everything.
I have never. And I mean NEVER. Got to some place amazing either within myself or outside of myself by trying even more furiously to keep up, catch up, or get there.
This is not to say I haven’t worked my BUTT off on many things, ’cause God knows I have. And love to. And will do that til the day I die, WHEN THE PUSH AND THE FIRE IS ALIGNED. Which it often is, for a woman like me. A can’t stop won’t stop badass like you. A supernatural freakin’ powerhouse like us!
But,
there is a difference between going headfirst into the fray BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT IT IS TIME FOR WHAT YOU ARE BEING SHOWN AND BASICALLY, WHAT THE VIBE IS,
as opposed to –
running furiously to get no place at all really, because what you are DOING is reacting to an idea of your not enough-ness.
I SHOULD have done that thing by now.
I SAID I’d be on top of that.
I’d have THAT goal or THAT money or THAT life if only I could figure out how to get all this done, and celebretize myself online while I’m at it!
NO babe, no.
Even if there were a case for everything you could have done by now, how is it helpful to lament what is not?! Be with what IS. And then open up to this:
I didn’t do the thing because it was not time yet.
I NEEDED to swill around in my own bullshit (ha!) because apparently there were parts of my character to benefit from that.
And I now get to KEEP choosing.
But first let me PAUSE,
and ask:
where would you have me go today?
What would you have me do?
What is it I am to create, unleash, say, or sell?
And what am I to turn away from,
and quit putting in the drivers seat of a life I am trying to CHASE to get to live,
when there’s a life I AM living, right here?
Just some questions,
you may like to ask yourself,
to come back to yourself,
and thus create –
what you’re actually here to do.
In the end, it’s very black and white and very very simple:
you could have done a million things, and maybe you’ll never do 999,999 of ’em.
But the only thing we ever really know is true? Is what is true right now.
Do that.
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