WHEN WILL IT BE FUCKING TIME?!
I know you long so badly, for the time you see in the future, the time when what you dream of will be yours, and actually DONE, and present, in the now, and FINALLY all the waiting has paid off.
I know.
I know you feel at times, as though your whole life is just suspended, you’re in limbo, and waiting, and everything you do, you do in some way in READINESS for the reality you see inside of you, and as though right now … whatever’s going on right now, and which you have to endure, somehow get through, somehow WADE through, is just … meh.
To fill space.
I know.
I know how desperately you CRAVE –
And you YEARN –
And you just want to stomp your FOOT sometimes, because it’s not.fucking.fair!
It should be done already! It should be yours! It should be now! You KNOW it’s right.
I know.
I know you think about it all the time.
How much you want it.
How much you desire it.
How free and HAPPY you’ll feel.
And how you think sometimes of maybe just letting go of the entire fucking dream, but then again, even though you COULD –
You don’t want to.
And you know you don’t NEED to.
Even though, sure, you’re aware enough to know –
Getting to THERE wouldn’t make it all ‘perfect’
It probably wouldn’t be TOTAL flow
And it’s not like having that, being that, living like that would mean everything is just rainbows and unicorns, always
You know this
But still
All you can think
When you think of that life, and you in it
Is –
I want you.
I want you.
I want you.
That’s how it should BE.
Now!
And when you come BACK to the now, speaking of now, it just feels like –
What IS even this life right here? I’m supposed to be over there! Doing it like THAT! Living like that! That’s what is RIGHT.
Here …
I’m just … in limbo. Letting the minutes the hours the days pass by.
Until eventually when the world will freaking right itself.
And meanwhile –
I don’t know what to do.
I don’t even know how to BE, sometimes.
EVERYTHING I do, I do partly with the understanding that it’s for the REAL life I’m meant to be living, not this waiting room version.
Which is …
Tiring, you suppose.
But,
Just how it is.
And no point analysing, because, what you dream of –
Will always be there.
It can never NOT be there.
In your mind.
In your heart.
In your soul.
And at night, or in a pause, or a breath, during the day, you think of it, and you think –
I want want want
I will will will
Then I can breathe breathe breathe
Until then HOW
Do I even live
And finally, you remember –
Waiting is not waiting, at all
It’s trusting
It’s remembering a future which IS already done
And the more that this time which can FEEL so never-ending, so incredibly painful to endure, marches on and STILL you find yourself seemingly STUCK, in remembrance of a future which you’ve already KNOWN, the more you are being readied –
Ripened –
Prepared –
And made resilient –
WHOLE –
And complete –
For that moment when what has always been DIVINED to be, shall be.
I know –
How hard it is.
To wait.
In anticipation.
To show the fuck up, best as you can, KNOWING that the ‘real’ life you were born for is the one you see inside of you
So FRUSTRATED that the outside world can’t see it yet, or that it’s not been brought to life and WHY
And I know
It will happen when it’s meant to fucking happen
It will happen when it’s time
It will happen when you are TRULY ready
And it will happen –
Precisely the way it was always divined TO happen
So if we come back INTO the now, into this place of half-suspension, where you twist, and you turn, and you want to SCREAM at why you’re not there yet, then really –
The only answer is this:
Stop fucking worrying about it.
If you know it’s done, it’s done.
Why would you worry? Just keep on pressing on.
Just as you’ve always done.
And as you only CAN.
It’s ONLY the only way you’ll ever know, anyway.
If that’s the only answer, then I suppose there must be an only question, too.
And the only question is this:
Do you know that you know that you KNOW it is done? Do you REMEMBER the future you’re so anxious to claim?
And if yes?
Shut the fuck up.
The answer has been written.
And get back to whatever it is –
You’re divined to do here.