Why I Was a Complete and Utter C*NT Today

ADMIT IT:

YOU LOVE THE PUSH SO.DAMN.HARD.

You’re never going to be done with it, you know?

The PUSH. The go-go-go and never fucking sleep / breathe / stop / truly even PAUSE.

It’s going to be part of your life –

Now.

And forever.

It’s who you ARE, don’t you see? This person who HAS to push in order to thrive. You think you’re pushing in order to keep your head above water and SURVIVE, and you think that that’s a BAD thing, that what you WANT is to get to a point where you can relax, slow down, take it easy, be THERE.

No. You’re wrong. That is NOT what you want. You THINK it’s what you want because the world has conditioned you to believe that the purpose of WORK is to get SOMEWHERE where you can be free so that you then –

Oh yes.

Go and live the life you were born for, that life you really want, the one filled with purpose and MEANING.

By which I mean:

The one you’re fucking LIVING right now, the one you’re forgetting to damn well APPRECIATE and instead resenting it, telling yourself you just need to get past this deal, this next hurdle, get that influx of cash and then you can STOP THE MADNESS.

Don’t you see?

The PURPOSE of work is not to escape to purpose! The purpose of work IS PURPOSE.

The work is the purpose.
The purpose is the work.
You are the work.
What you’re DOING right now is your purpose.

I’m not even speaking to those who would say no, I’m not doing my purpose, not remotely, I HATE what I’m doing, let me out!

This post is not for you.

I’m speaking to those who need to wake up and fucking admit that they LOVE THE GAME.

Admit it!

You LOVE the push.
You LOVE being up on that mountain.
You LOVE being balls to the walls, eyeballs FRIED, brain completely about to EXPLODE, adrenalin CHURNING through your veins, living on coffee all day until it’s time for wine and THEN YOU KEEP GOING.

Admit it baby –

You’re a junkie through and through.

You get OFF on this shit.

So when you tell yourself that you need to stop, slow down, that a day of REST is in order you’re flat out kidding yourself and you know it.

It’s cute, is what it is. You – not want to work? Not NEED to work? Not be FED by your work and wither and die and ANGER without it?

Ha! Good one.

But sure, I get it. Sometimes you just need to go and screw with yourself for a bit; remind yourself of how GOD DAMN FUCKING AWFUL YOU FEEL WHEN YOU’RE NOT IN THE ZONE.

Remind yourself how HORRIBLE it must be to live like … them. Those … people, I guess they are? If you can truly BE a whole person without purpose? Seems … not a thing. But yet obviously a thing. Of sorts.

Can you imagine?

Think back to the last time you told yourself you need a day OFF and then you went and did a day like the zombie people.

Sleep in.
Wander around.
Eat some shit.
Watch some shit.
Wait around some more.
CONSUME content instead of create it.
Check shit off a list instead of EXPRESS yourself.
Tell yourself this is good for you?!

You’ve gotta be fucking kidding me.

Let’s just call it what it is:

A DAY OF AVOIDING LIVING YOUR LIFE ON PURPOSE.

Yeah …

Makes TOTAL fucking sense!!

But yet we do this, from time to time, perhaps to remind ourselves that being CRAZY is not a bad thing, if it means living with intent. Perhaps to REASSURE ourselves that the pressure, the pressure fucking COOKER, the way we burn and burn and BURN that candle at every freakin’ end and twice in the middle that that is what we WANT and by God do we want it EVERY single day and no two ways about it.

Sometimes I’ll go and spend an entire day eating sugar. I’ll go to the movies and stuff my face with popcorn, lollies, then go home and eat ALL the chocolate and ALL the ice-cream and top it off with some toast because why the fuck not?

I do this maybe twice a year?

I HATE the entire process of it; I don’t even enjoy it at the time let alone after! I watch myself with a slightly horrified fascination from the outside looking in, and then the next day when I feel TRASHED and sugar-punched, I wonder –

What the fuck was THAT about?

And then I go and SMASH my greens all week, and ever after, and I SWEAT, and I detox, and I BURN through the protein, and I am on.fucking.fire, and then I realise:

Oh yes.

That’s what it was about.

Coming back to PURPOSE, and sometimes you just need to remind yourself of how fucking awful it is on the other side.

Same thing in business.

I took a day off yesterday, from writing, speaking, creating.

A day to be normal.
To catch up.
And breathe a little.
I got nearly twice the amount of sleep I normally do (6 hours instead of 3!).
I lay around and read a novel.
I took my time meandering through my task list, and the day.
I did NORMAL, I suppose. Although probably not, but a heck of a lot closer to than normal for me!

It was the most stressful fucking thing I’ve done all year.

I nearly bit the HEAD of my trainer off this morning at the gym. I don’t think I’ve ever been such a CUNT (only appropriate word) with what I had to say about myself, him, the state of the Mums at our school, the world at large.

It was NOT a good thing, for anyone, me taking a day off! I don’t remember the last time I was in such a downright FOUL mood.

I felt ENRAGED with the pent up energy of not having EXPRESSED and CREATED the day before. Of having just PASSED THE TIME, really, although probably still made about 20k and did more than most people do in 2 months.

But did NOT PUSH AND BURN AND CHURN ALL DAY.

BIG mistake.

Yet here is what it WAS good for, in the same way I can be grateful to myself for abusing the sugar every now and then:

It reminded me of how INSANELY glad I am to not only have a purpose – as everyone does – but to have also found a way to live it through this business, this community, this life.

It AFFIRMED for me that next time I think I need to stop, slow down, DO less, PUSH less, give myself a break and maybe SLEEP a little?

I need to give myself a swift uppercut to the jaw and pull my head back in.

It reminded me of who I am.

And that actually I like being me.

That actually no, I don’t need to slow down and breathe. I need to wake EVER more up and live.

Because here is truth, and I bet it’s true for you too:

I have a purpose which DRIVES me, excites me, compels me.

And when all is said and done no matter how much I might bitch about it?

I love the push, I NEED the push, I can’t live WITHOUT the fucking push.

I’ve got PURPOSE WORK to do baby, and I ain’t never gonna be done with that.

And neither are you, so quit fucking whining and get on with it; admit you LOVE it no matter how much it burns!

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