I don’t know at what point you decided you have to be all coy and shy and Little House on the Prairie vibes with God, tiptoeing carefully around in a solemn and softly-spoken away –

“Is this okay God?”

“If you don’t mind – “

“Oh please Sir, can I have some more?”,

but, well –

you do not.
That is not a thing.
And never was.

At some point along the way, someone or something (LET’S JUST CALL IT INSTITUTIONALISED RELIGION SHALL WE?! Combined perhaps with a hefty dose of shame / fear / whatever from who / knows / doesn’t matter) taught us to be separated from God, and that there were hurdles that must be jumped in order to access Him –

That any asking which goes one is basically irreverent AF before it even leaves your mouth – how dare you CONSIDER it, you absolute WENCH! – and that if you do manage to be so disrespectful / needy / demanding, then you BETTER make sure you’re doing it in a way which is ONLY ABOUT ASKING FOR THE BARE MINIMUM, THE OBVIOUS, THE NOT TOO MUCH.


Just me?

Maybe it IS just my story, that somewhere along the way I decided that to ask for more, to choose to NEED more, or certainly to be anything that could remotely be labeled as demanding, was absolutely unacceptable –

Made me appear weak, or ungrateful, or unfaithful –

And that I should only turn to God when shit got really fucking real, i.e. something scary or potentially scary was going down … somebody was sick or hurting … or when I got to a point of truly feeling unable to cope.

I was using God as a last resort, and even doing THAT sort of apologetically!

Do you know what’s funny, and a bit confusing?

I always believed ABSOLUTELY in God’s ability to perform miracles, move mountains, change things in the blink of an eye, in less! I have never ever ever, not even once in the entire 20 odd years I was, if not away from God, then certainly not actively WITH God, questioned His power.


I’ve always known God can do anything.

But yet, yes, somewhere along the way I decided it was only appropriate to ask for what was ABSOLUTELY LAST-MINUTE NECESSARY, LIFE OR DEATH, SURVIVAL RELATED FOR ME OR ANOTHER.

What is even MORE funny, and confusing, is that I do NOT mean I ever doubted for a second that I can be or do or have ANYTHING.

Don’t imagine that I’m implying I decided to settle for a life of little, or less. Uh … nooooooo. Have you met me?!

Since a young age it was crystal fucking clear to me:

I decided to be rich.
I decided that my message would impact millions.
I decided I would not live a normal life, playing by somebody else’s rules, that my days would be free, and for me.
I decided I would have my dream body.
And life!

(I wish I fucking thought to decide to have my dream relationship earlier on, but hey – better late than never )

When I say I decided these things, what I really mean is that they were shown to me and I said yes.

What’s weird is – I knew they were shown to me by GOD! But yet I still haven’t once considered it appropriate to ASK Him … never mind to demand. The nerve, imagine!


I did it myself.

Well, let’s be clear – of course I didn’t fucking do it myself. Whether or not you ask Him, God is always there and yep, like it or not, HE HAS HIS HAND ON YOUR LIFE.

Maybe you’re feeling that call, or nudge, or push from Him right now. Maybe you’re trying to ignore it, it’s annoying you, the synchronicities are just getting irritating at this point, and you’re determined to keep believing it’s all bullshit.



So yeah –

God was never NOT in the picture.

It’s just that I didn’t actively really invite Him to be there (freakin’ pushy that He was then. Haha). And I CERTAINLY DIDN’T SUBMIT OR SURRENDER TO BEING GUIDED, SUPPORTED, HELPED, WITH EASE.

Just like a kid who hasn’t yet learned that it’s okay to be helped and you can even get there faster, I was determined to do it my way, and prove I could.

^^ maybe this is okay! Of course it’s okay, that it was part of my process, my learning, my growth. Just like it’s okay for a kid.

I’m not making any of my choices not okay.

But I sure didn’t make ’em easy, nor as HOLY SHIT BIG as I could have, had I have known to lean into Him sooner.

Imagine the support of He who created the entire cosmos were behind you and you were just all – “I’m good thanks”.


A BIG part of it, for me, and I wonder if you can relate (let me know if you can!), was and IS the thing around feeling weak.

I really really REALLY struggle to express to the masculine – in any form – NEED.

I’ve had to really practice even feeling comfortable asking my own FATHER (my earthly father I mean … the Godly one I’ve barely even practiced yet) for help with things. And my Dad has always been there for me, would always be there for me, I’ve never doubted that!

But I became that person who, when a man … any man … offered to help, I turned them down as quickly as possible. I’m talking about day to day little things, mostly, but of course it’s representative of ALL the big things.

“No no, don’t worry, I’ve got it!”

I didn’t want to be a bother.
Or high maintenance.
Or appear weak.

I wanted to show I was one of the guys.
That I could take care of myself.
That I wasn’t going to be a burden.
That I could and would do all things not only for myself, but I’d probably try to take over doing everything for everyone ELSE as well.


it was a way of slowly but surely becoming invisible

if I do it all/
take care of it all/
don’t be a bother or make a fuss/
and even sort things out for YOU/
never show needs/
or wants/
I won’t be hurt/
I won’t be rejected/
And I’ll be allowed to stay.


At its core, this mindset is set on a belief of “I shouldn’t even exist”.

Deep shit?

Sure, maybe.

Absolutely shiftable, in a heartbeat?

Of course.

On Sunday, in church, the preacher spoke about the fact that God wants us to be BOLD AND AUDACIOUS in what we ask of Him. Be loud! Demand! Jump up and down!


But –

How curious.

I mean, it’s not like I hadn’t heard this before. I guess I just hadn’t taken it on board for me. DON’T WORRY ABOUT ME GOD, I GOT THIS! I’LL DO IT! I’LL DO YOUR JOB FOR YOU TOO IF YOU WANT!

On Monday, I was on the phone to my Mum, I had NOT mentioned the message from Sunday, and she said to me – “maybe you need to be more audacious in what you ask of Him. Be demanding! Insist!” –

or something to that effect.

She used the same word, audacious. And started quoting scripture about it, of course.

Ok okay, I got it!!

This morning I sat down, and I journaled –

“God, please show me your way for me, your will – “

Straight away it came through:

“You don’t have to play coy with God”.


I got it.

Do you?



  1. […] so perhaps it is pride perhaps it is pain yes it is wounding it is hurt it is certainly worrying and OH! The […]

  2. […] God strips something from you, it begins to fade and dull, it becomes apparent it is no longer FOR you, and that is just […]

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.