I DON’T WANT CONTROLLED TIDY SEX IN A CONTROLLED TIDY LIFE

I don’t want to have controlled tidy sex in a controlled tidy life and be a controlled little tidy wife,

Happy and smiling just right, but never mad and free, flying high as a kite,

Caught up and spin spin spinning like a top, fuelled by the crazy of my own supply, running so fast I forget from where I came or where it is I’m going but only just knowing –

This is flow

This is BREATH

This is nothing and everything and all things I could possibly need,

Or want,

Ever

In this moment right here

I don’t want to carefully move my body this way and that, mechanically do it right, get the outcome, twist like this, turn like that, slide over just a notch

I want it to be messy and scary, a whirlwind, and me the whirring dervish in the middle of it, dancing so fast I become a blur, now you see me,

And now you don’t

I don’t want to have to THINK

About what you want
Who I am
Who are YOU
Or how to be,

What is expected
What is appropriate
What is allowed

I want to be so lost in the mayhem, the chaos, the RAMPAGE of it all that it never even occurs to either of us that we should THINK,

Or worry,

Or plan,

Be careful,

Considerate

And proper

I want it to just WORK

Without rhyme
Without reason
Without forethought or discussion

And so this is what I shall have

As I always do,
In all things,
Once I decide
Lock it in,
And let go

I don’t want a life of neatly dotted i’s and just-so-crossed t’s, a life in which the colours are so beautiful, but oh – !

So within the lines

so

so

SO

fucking perfect

That’s not the life for me

I want a life a love a madness a passion a fury a business which is wildly streaked with oversized splotches and blood-like gashes and violent streaks of jewel like glory to take your breath away, and when you look close –

OH

the detail

the depth

the at once both incredible and also terrifying never-endingness of it all

I want a life in which I free-fall

And just as I’m about to hit terra firma

the floor drops away

and I’m fall fall falling again, into a whole new world a whole new layer a whole new REALM

opened up

and I want this life with the ones who also want to run breathless

and naked

and screaming

laughing

dancing

twirling

into the wind

into the madness

and into the fullness

of the crazy

they once tried to hide away

that’s the life for me

and you?