The meltdown of my first marriage

When I was 26, and married for the first time, I went through an 18 month or so meltdown kind of situation which I have (not that) fondly looked back on since and referred to as my ‘quarter life crisis’.

Well, by the time the meltdown period was over I was no longer married –

No longer settled and stable with a nice apartment, car, possessions and savings –

And no longer knew who TF I was at all!

The implosion of my life had been swift, dramatic, messy as all get out, and resulted in me high-tailing it outta there taking only my cat Arnie, one plate, one knife, one fork – as though I thought I’d never have companionship again haha – and, of course, all my books.

No idea what happened to that plate and its cutlery, but Arnie is still alive and well and living the luxe life with my parents in Melbourne, and the books are scattered all over my current home, as books should be.

But as for the girl who I was when it all hit the heavens?

I’ve no idea where she went or even where she came from in the first place.

‘kay, maybe a few ideas 🙂

When I say it all ended SWIFTLY, that’s not true at all. It may have looked that way in the moment, and even felt that way, but really there had been a very very steady march towards the doom of that relationship and of my then-life, for some time.

I can remember clearly one of the pivotal moments when I knew that I was so far off the damn track that I probably didn’t even know there WAS a track!

My then-husband’s sister had just had a baby, and he started to talk about US having a baby. He wasn’t even suggesting we hop to it right away; it was more of a conversation about what would be. And, why wouldn’t we? We were young, fit, hot, the ‘Ken and Barbie’ of the fitness industry in Melbourne at the time, had plenty of personal and business awards to both our names, made GREAT money, lived a great lifestyle, had the perfect apartment in the perfect part of town with the perfect car and the perfect fucking, well, everything.

We were living the dream, and only in our mid-twenties!

But this conversation about kids … and the recognition of everything that would come along with it … I remember it just FROZE me. I couldn’t see it. I couldn’t feel it. I didn’t want to!

And I thought, well, yes. We ARE living the dream.

It’s just that it’s SOMEONE ELSE’S DREAM.

At the time I didn’t have the guts or know-how, so really just the guts, to back myself and pull the emergency cord, get off the train of the wrong life. I also didn’t TRUST my feelings, I thought I must be wrong in feeling what I felt.

When it all blew up one comment he made which has always stuck with me is that he should have known. “I should have just paid attention to the titles of all your books”.

I guess they were pretty much all about finding happiness, and changing your life.

I look back at that part of my life and sometimes I wish I knew, wish WE knew, to work on who we were together AND apart, and to grow up together; stronger. But I also think, well – that was just the journey and learning we each needed at that time, painful as it was.

But what I think mostly is –

For so long, I KNEW I was hurtling along at an out of control speed, down the WRONG PATH OF LIFE.

And for every day that passed where I didn’t OWN it, it was like the speeding off-tracks train got FASTER, and more dangerous.

There was a continual feeling of just being caught up in having to continue to be this person who I knew I wasn’t!

And I felt that I didn’t know what to do to change it. I would journal and read and think endlessly about what I really wanted, but then I would get on with my day and with the business of NOT BEING ME.

Sure enough, as is always the case when you ignore what’s inside, life soon enough threw down the emergency cord for me.

Yanked it like a motherfucker and nearly blew the whole damn train and everyone on it up, is the truth of the matter.

For months after that I didn’t speak to anybody –
Hid from my friends and family –
And moved like a zombie through my life.

There’s a photo from that Christmas where I just look so vacant and lost and empty that it makes me tear up every time I think of it.

But eventually, obviously, I found my way through, and onwards, so perhaps it was all as it was meant to be.

HOWEVER, even if that is true, I can still say with certainty that I really wish I had been brave enough to PULL THE DAMN CORD SOONER, and without the messy devastation that ensued because I didn’t.

And I can also say with certainty to you that wherever your life right now is hurtling along, speed speed speeding ever faster towards the WRONG DAMN OUTCOME –

You BETTER get off your scaredy-cat ass right now and pull the damn cord, because you already KNOW it’s not working, and because if you don’t?

Shit’s gonna blow up in your face all over the damn place.

And probably take people you care about down with it, too.

This is just reality. You can NOT get away with continuing to live the wrong life. Heck, the reason to stop should be, uh, so you get to live the right life! But if that doesn’t motivate you then stop because you’d rather not have to go through the implosion or explosion that WILL ensue.

There is a natural outcome which is unavoidable, to NOT BEING WHO YOU ARE MEANT TO BE.

Your soul wants too badly for you to get on path, and express in the way you were born to, also serve in the way you were born to, and yes – also get to live your damn dream life!

And if you in your human form are not gonna be strong enough to walk away from what does NOT feel like that, and walk into the void deciding you will somehow find your way to what DOES, then yeah –

Higher self is gon’ sort that shit out for you.

You know this!!

Here’s what else –

I’m not just talking about the big obvious ways in which you’re speeding along on the wrong fucking path right now.

Yes, it could be your relationship.
It could be your entire business.
It could be what you’re giving huge chunks of your life or self to.

But it could be the less obvious stuff as well.

The way you’re doing your sales or marketing.
The stupid diet you’re on.
The ‘not that big of a deal’ commitments you’ve made through the week.
The hobbies you think make you a better person, and that you ‘should’ be into!
The habits around how you spend your downtime.
What you do on the holidays.
The social commitments you don’t say no to.
The things you think you have to do as a parent!

Where right now do you feel like you’re just caught up in this speeding train sort of a situation, and you KNOW it’s not quite right, it’s NOT a full body fuck yes, you WOULDN’T be giving your life for this if you fully were safe, free, had faith, or were already who you want to be, and yet you continue to just keep on hurtling along with it, vaguely wondering with actually GREAT unease whether you should change something?

Gorgeous, I want to remind you:

The thing with continuing to give your life for the wrong thing –

Is that one day you’ll look back and realise you actually did.

Pull the damn cord.

You’re safe to jump off.

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