WAITING TO BE REAL
When I am expending all that I know I am meant to as a writer I feel like I can breathe, I feel as though I can bare to give attention or energy to other people and things, I feel as though I can actually be HUMAN,
or at least a little.
When I am NOT expending all that wants to come out, a horrible situation which I somehow allow to go for days and days and days, a horrible situation which I have even allowed YEARS of my life to largely pass in, I feel like I’m floating through time and space,
I am not CAPABLE of being present with others or what’s around me,
I can pretend
do a reasonably decent job
paste a smile on my face, tilt my head just so, and easily convince others I am a normal person, a sane person, a nice person, see, watch me smile and laugh and offer to help!
Sometimes I ALMOST convince myself.
But through it all, really what I’m feeling is this –
I CAN’T BREATHE I CAN’T BREATHE I CAN’T BREATHE.
And –
I’M NOT HERE I’M NOT HERE I’M NOT HERE! Why does nobody see that I’m not HERE, and I don’t WANT to be here! Why do they all keep acting as though I’m here and as though I have ANY sort of space or interest for ANYTHING!
I’ve lived my life in that sort of dream state FOR so much of my life, with in between bits of being disciplined to the job of doing ONLY what I know I can’t not, and letting my message out no MATTER what, and somewhere through it all I managed to summon up enough discipline to build and then code into my identity the continued success of a very well to do online coaching business.
But the truth is that going all in on ME, on being who I’m meant to be, on doing the writing work which truly IS, just IS, the only thing that lets me feel I can breathe, getting to THAT point?
Well, firstly, is about so much more than simply that I built a business founded on my writing, my daily messages and rants and rambles.
And, secondly, well, secondly is kind of the same as firstly. In that it’s about realising you CAN’T DO WHAT YOU’RE MEANT TO DO FOR AN OUTCOME.
It doesn’t work that way.
And until you get to where you’re truly doing whatever ‘it’ is for you consistently BECAUSE IT NEEDS TO BE DONE, and because it truly is the ONLY thing which allows you to feel as though you can feel breathe, are fully grounded, are fully alive,
then whichever ‘outcomes’ you achieve really won’t matter.
And will in fact only serve to keep you even further from your purpose work, and from getting to live every day with the knowledge that you’re being true to who you’re meant to be in this world!
It gets better, clearer:
The reality of how you will actually make the money you know is there for you … build the businesses you see yourself building … create the relationships, you and life you want, is that anything ACTUALLY worth having (and yeah, it’s definitely all available for you!) will come FROM a place of you doing what you are meant to do because it’s what you are meant to do.
And doing it IN that way, as well.
Meaning –
don’t mess with the natural desired flow of your art.
Which brings us back to – don’t do it for an outcome! Don’t try to bend and twist and conform your soul work into something that will LEAD somewhere.
It doesn’t work that way.
It doesn’t work that way.
It doesn’t work that way!
Instead, this is how it works:
DECIDE you will get the outcomes you want, thank you God, surrender and hand them over in the same moment you decide, knowing and choosing and trusting that it’s always ‘this or something better’ (thank you God!), and then TRUST that because you planted those outcomes in,
put your order in,
shoved the darn seed into the ground,
of COURSE they will show up, because a) they’re yours to have (you wouldn’t see ’em inside of you if not!), and b) that’s how life works!
The CATCH, of course, being simple:
Do your job.
What, you expect life to serve up everything that is there for you if you don’t do your job?! It definitely doesn’t work THAT way.
As an artist, a messenger, a magic-maker, one who is called into and beyond and back from the supernatural, you more than EVER need to understand that just like anyone else on this earth, if you don’t do your job you don’t get paid.
“But Kat! You LITERALLY JUST SAID don’t do things for outcomes! Make some sense woman!”
Yeah, okay, I hear ya.
Step back.
And see what I’m saying.
Don’t do things FOR or TOWARDS outcomes. Don’t ‘work towards’. Don’t make deals with God or life, ‘if I do this, I get to have that!’. Opt out of the tit for tat paradigm. Heck, opt out of everything you were taught in the school of life you grew up in! EVERYTHING you learned about success is likely wrong.
The things you always SUSPECTED, deep within you, THOSE are the things which are most likely extremely accurate. And extremely costly to ignore!
So,
‘doing your job’ is about exactly what we’ve been talking about this entire time. Do what you have to do because you can’t not. Do it AS you can’t not. Do it as IT wants to be done!
And then –
hand it over.
It’s not up to you to figure out what to do with it, just like it’s not up to you to figure out how to do it. No I don’t mean bundle it up and stick it in the cupboard and wait for a fairy genie to arrive at your door to get it out into the world! Handing it over means – get your head out of the ‘how’. Hand it over to SOUL, to GOD, to INTUITION, to LIFE.
DEFINITELY you must take action.
As one of my all-time favourite authors, and personal mentor as well as friend, William Whitecloud, taught me:
There’s ALWAYS action to take. But no, there’s never anything you have to DO.
So stop making lists.
Pathways.
And instead start listening.
Hearing.
Being led and guided in your actions around getting your work out, monetizing it, and yes, of course, what that work is in the first place, by that still small voice within. You know –
the one you usually ignore because you live your whole life in fear of getting it wrong, not doing it like the others, not doing enough.
When deep down you’re perfectly aware that the only ‘enough’ that could possibly exist is you saying yes to enough of WHATEVER IT IS YOU NEED TO SAY YES TO.
And let’s neither of us pretend you don’t know EXACTLY what that is.
I’ve achieved outcomes in business money and life beyond what most people would dare to dream. And whilst I’ve achieved SOME of them (maybe 5%) from a place of butting my head against a wall and trying to do stuff in order to get a result, working ‘towards’,
I’ve achieved MOST of them (and all the stuff that actually ‘stuck’ and was right) from a place of working FROM, and letting my soul, God, life guide me.
Doing the things I was led to do even when they made no sense.
Letting the art, the message, my writing, do its thing without trying to figure out HOW this could possibly connect in to the results I wanted.
And repeatedly simply ASKING for, deciding and then handing over, the money and other outcomes I wanted. Knowing that it’s available because it’s available, not because I ‘earned’ it. But knowing that my end of the deal is to go all in on what I see inside of me.
And that if ever I feel uncertain of what THAT could be, all I need to do is connect back to – what is the thing which, if I DON’T do it, results in my feeling like my whole life is in limbo and I’m just floating through time and space waiting to be real?
Question for you:
What is that thing for YOU?
Side note which I thought I’d spend 1000 or so words on right now but which I find needs only this:
The magic is that when you say yes to that thing, put it first NO MATTER WHAT, push everything and everyone else away or just delete it off your list altogether if you can be so brave, what you will find is that life starts to work for and with and through you.
You tap into a place in time and space and wisdom and truth and flow that simply doesn’t EXIST in the ‘do’ world.
The thing with the paradigm you’re used to operating in …
is it’s kind of the most limited one.
And I think you know that.
So from here on out, let’s play a game of imagining you’re going to allow yourself to be fully human,
and you’re going to do it by saying yes, all the yes, first and foremost yes, on REPEAT yes, to the part of you that you can’t not,
and yet have somehow continued to not!
Let’s get real:
do you actually expect to be able to breathe, or receive ANYTHING properly, when you don’t do the thing you were given breath for?!
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